Monthly Archive for December, 2007

Reality Shows

Published on December 31, 2007 in Daily Bitching. 4 Comments

Has network TV gone too far with reality shows lately? Fox has this new one coming out called “Nothing But The Truth” where they hook you up to a lie detector and ask you crazy questions in an uncomfortable situation. Like they will have your wife there while you are hooked up to this thing and ask if you ever thought of having sex with another woman. Well all men think about it, so your ass is busted there. Or they will have a really fat person ask if overweight people appall you when they already know you can’t stand fatties. The real name of the show should be called “Fucking Entrapment”.

Seriously are we going to far by fucking with people’s emotions just to try and entertain viewers? I’ve seen people eat roaches, bird eggs and all kinds of shit. And I think it’s getting to the point where these shows are just plain ridiculous. We all like to be entertained at the expense of others but damn what’s next, a shit eating contest? I guess as long as people are going to want money we will continue to make them do outlandish shit to get it.

I was watching a review on another show called “Who wants to marry an American Citizen?” The name pretty much says it all, basically immigrants will be competing for a green card by trying to marry an American. Is this shit even legal? Can’t the networks come up with something a little more creative than that? I can’t believe there are actually producers who got paid for that shit. They should let me create my own reality show. I’d call it “Stop being an asshole!” Where I would have a cameraman follow me around and every time I see people acting like assholes I would let them know and record their reaction. You know all of you would watch it!

DG

Ban on feeding the homeless?

Published on December 30, 2007 in Daily Bitching. 4 Comments

This one really pisses me off! Certain cities here in South Florida have recently tried to impose a ban on feeding the homeless in certain places. This has got to be one of the dumbest things I have ever heard of. Who actually came up with this idea? Were all you lawmakers sitting around in your million dollar homes thinking, “Hey, why not fuck over the homeless a little more and kick them while they’re down?” It takes more than one person to pass laws like this through so you know there were multiple city leaders who agreed with this stupid idea.

This is a prime example of what’s wrong with America today and why the rest of the world laughs at us. America’s priorities are completely ass backwards. We will go over to your country, happily blow it up and then spend billions to fix it for you, but we wont feed the needy in our own country. I just don’t get it! We are so quick to jump into the business of other nations, but we wont take care of our own people. It makes me feel ashamed to call myself an American.

What’s the fucking difference in where we feed the homeless? The people who are contributing donate their free time and money to make sure the next man has something to eat and we shun them for it. Pretty soon the do-gooders are going to say, “screw it” because the cities will make it impossible for them to pass along a good deed. Next you will see volunteers getting fined or arrested for trying to do the right thing. I say we need to take a look at the direction our country is going in, as this topic should not have to be written about. I hope that all the people who are contributing get past this bullshit and continue to help out. And I also wish that whoever brought up this “shit brain” of an idea eventually ends up homeless and in need. Karma is a bitch!

DG

Letter to the City

Published on December 29, 2007 in Daily Bitching. 1 Comment

Dear City of Hollywood,

First off I’d like to thank you for charging me 40 dollars a month to remove my trash. Also since our trash was not picked up on Tuesday because of Christmas I’d also like to say thanks for not picking it up at ALL since it’s now Saturday. I guess letting the garbage pile up for a week or two is no big deal right? Shit we can handle all the boxes and Christmas trees in our yard, can’t we? Since New Years is on Tuesday I would imagine that you wont be out in your fancy garbage trucks until next week Friday. By that time there will be so much junk on the side of my house you all will give me a hefty fine for not cleaning my yard.

Seriously what the fuck is wrong with you people and who is running the goddamn show over there? Does the City of Hollywood actually pay you to fuck up the trash routine? You guys have those unmanned garbage trucks so what’s the big deal with getting the shit picked up? Hell give me the keys to one of those fucking things, I’d pickup all the garbage and dump it right in front of City Hall for you assholes to deal with. If I was late with my payment you all would be busting my balls or charging me double. So maybe you should give me a free month of your shitty service as an incentive for your fuckup? Or how about you just get off your lazy asses and pick this shit up before my house looks like an episode of Sanford and Son?

DG

Diet Coke

Published on December 27, 2007 in Daily Bitching. 2 Comments

So you’re pushing 300lbs and you wake your fat ass up every morning and go to McDonalds. You then order three egg McMuffins, two hash browns and a couple of apple pies. Which all adds up to your 2000 calorie a day limit already at breakfast time. And what else do you order to wash it all down with? A large Diet fucking Coke!

I just don’t get it, what is “diet” about Diet Coke? Everyone I know who drinks it is fat. I understand that there are zero calories, but what about all the rest of the shit in there? If I started a doughnut company and claimed they were “diet doughnuts”, would you lard asses believe it and buy them? Honestly how many thin people have you ever seen drinking Diet Coke?

It’s almost like a fat people cult with this shit. If you’re not overweight when you start drinking it, you will be soon. So do yourselves a favor and stop thinking that because the label says it, you are actually doing something that pertains with the word diet. Get your fat ass off the couch, put down the potato chips, beef jerky, big macs and Diet fucking Coke and maybe do some exercise.

DG

Christmas With The Goff’s

Published on December 26, 2007 in Daily Bitching. 3 Comments

If this story wasn’t true it would almost be funny. So I wakeup on Christmas morning to a knock at my door, is it Santa Claus? Um, no! I open the door to find my buddy’s cousin standing there completely fucked up and smelling like 3 day old shit. “It’s Christmas morning, what the fuck do you want?” I said. This genius can barely even stand up and he’s on my porch asking, “Dude, do you want to buy a computer?” What are you the fucking Dell guy on crack? So I politely tell him to get the fuck outta here, and what does he do? He falls asleep on my goddamn bench!

All I want to do is play my fucking Guitar Hero, why does this shit always happen to me? So I call my friend several times and finally get his ass up to tell him what’s going on. He makes a few calls and gets someone to get the shithead off my porch about an hour later. For some reason my porch seems to be a magnet for fucked up people as this is not the first time I have had a nut job fall asleep on my bench out there. Only me!

So a few family members come over for dinner and the rest of the day seemed to be going well I thought. Wait! This is the Goff family something else is going to happen. And it sure as hell did. It’s about ten at night and I hear this loud screaming outside, I am thinking it’s my neighbors. I go out to find my sister, shit faced drunk, fighting with her boyfriend in my front yard. No biggie right? You all don’t know my sister! She is out there screaming at the top of her lungs to her boyfriend “Don’t leave me!” while she tells him to get the fuck away from her. Huh?

Anyway being that it was Christmas and all I politely said to her “Shut the fuck up, you’re drunk!” while she is nicely punching her boyfriend in the face. You’ve got to be kidding me! So I finally get the two of them separated only after I get knocked on the ground a few times. And I try to explain to my sister that this is neither the time nor the place for this shit. Trying to tell a drunk person their wrong is like wiping your ass without toilet paper, it just wont work! So they go back and forth for a while and eventually go the fuck home, thank god!

You see I must have been a serial killer in a previous life due to the amount of punishment I receive in this one. It’s never a dull moment with the Goff’s, especially during the holidays. And there is not enough free space on my site to get into all the details of what else went down. For once I want to go to someone else’s house and make an ass out of myself instead of having them at my home. Anyone interested in inviting me over for New Years?

DG

Nothing Better To Do

Published on December 22, 2007 in Daily Bitching. 3 Comments

So yesterday was Friday and we were at work with nothing to do. So my boss bets me I cannot eat 6 crackers in under a minute. Well I took his bet and his money. Not only did I do it once, but two more times after that. Most of you are going to ask “what the fuck does this have to do with you bitching?” Absolutely nothing! I just thought this was pretty interesting as I seemed to be the only person my boss has ever seen do this. I went ahead and recorded the cracker eating and posted it on youtube to share with you all. As you will see, we work real hard. So if you don’t want to watch it go to some other fucking site.

DG
[video:youtube:gPJDJsu41J0]

Dear Santa

Published on December 20, 2007 in Daily Bitching. 2 Comments

I am probably one of the hardest people to buy for on Christmas as I usually just buy whatever the fuck I want. But there are a few things that only Santa can provide for me so I decided to write a letter to him here on my blog. I know Santa is a daily reader as I traced his IP back to the North Pole.

Dear Santa Claus,

How have you been? I have not been good but I believe I am still entitled to a few gifts from you. The first would be to help me catch the fucker who keeps taking out the bulbs on my Christmas lights. I fixed the goddamn things the other night and 20 minutes later the asshole took one out again. I am sure you know who he is. So on your way to his house please stop by mine, pick up a bag of dog shit and put it underneath his tree.

Second I would really like to get rid of my “man-tits”. Right now I am a big A-cup and would like to maybe reduce them to a small A-cup if possible. Along with that maybe you could drop off some hair as well? I have been bald since the age of 19 and sure could go for a nice thick head of hair. I am sure you know all this but figured I would remind you.

Wait there are a few more. I’d also like a little help with all my “habits” like smoking, drinking and being an asshole. The goal here would be to give me the willpower to cut down on all that bullshit to make myself a little bit healthier. The next would be to keep all those pain in the ass people away from me. You know how those fucks get on my nerves as I see you are a daily reader. And last but not least, I would really appreciate some more blog readers. I have been getting quite a few lately thanks to blogcatalog.com but I really could use a few more.

Your Friend,

Douglas Goff

PS: Instead of milk and cookies, there will be a beer and a bong hit for you as always.

Animal Wills

Published on December 19, 2007 in Daily Bitching. 1 Comment

Is it just me or does this sound like a dumb concept? In preparation for death you write a will, and in that will you leave all your money and assets to your pet. Now when you die your family struggles to get everything ready for you funeral and burial so it’s done properly. A few days later everyone is gathered for the reading of your will just to find out you left everything in your possession to your fucking dog, cat, bird, fish, snake or whatever the hell you owned.

This has got to be the dumbest fucking idea I have ever heard of. Why in the hell would you even consider this option? Why the fuck wouldn’t you just leave everything to a “human” and also leave that “human” your animal to care after? Did you see that dumb bitch Leona Helmsley left her fucking maltese 12 million dollars? 12 million for a fucking dog that eats its own shit and pisses on your rug, I just don’t get it. What is going through your mind that you feel the need to do something like this?

If anyone knows how this process works after the person dies I sure would like to know. I love my animals to death but I wont even let them drive in the car with me let alone leave them any money when I die. Seriously what is the world coming to? This has to be an American thing right? People in other countries are probably laughing their asses off when they hear shit like this. Hell for 12 mil you could buy a small country if you wanted to, or even better feed the homeless in that country. So if any of you reading this plan to leave everything you worked for your entire life to your pet, stop and think about it for a second. Maybe you should get some therapy while you’re still alive, or even better get some real friends?

DG

Sensitive People?

Published on December 18, 2007 in Daily Bitching. 3 Comments

So this guy, a friend of my boss who frequently visits our office, comes in yesterday afternoon. I am always friendly with him and usually crack a joke or two while he is there. Yesterday when he came in I jokingly said “don’t you have a job man?” with a smile and a laugh after I said it. Well this guy got pissed, stormed out of my office and later called my boss stating that I have a “shitty attitude”. Now any other day I could tell this guy I banged his mom in the backseat of my car, and he would laugh and make a joke back. What was the problem yesterday? I always bust this guys balls and we laugh about it, so I didn’t realize he was going to be upset. Now I feel like a dick and I am going to have to apologize when I see him again. But what the fuck am I actually apologizing for? Because any other day I can joke with you but not yesterday? Maybe next time he should wear a Tampax tee shirt so I know that he is on the fucking rag. Guys are not supposed get upset when other guys joke around, it’s a man thing you in the closet fuck.

You see sometimes people are too fucking sensitive. You need to watch what you say all the time to keep from offending these babies. Santa can no longer say “ho, ho, ho” because people think he is talking about street whores. No one can say Merry Christmas now, only happy holidays. Hell they are even trying to take the Christ out of Christmas to keep from pissing anyone off. When I was growing up I was the fat kid and I always got picked on. So I learned to deal with it and make jokes back but I never got offended. As a matter of fact there isn’t really anything that offends me. If you say something smart-ass to me you will get the same in return, period. So what do I do now? Before I fuck with anyone I have to ask if they are in a sensitive mood? You know what? Fuck that, all you touchy people need pull those sticks out of your asses and relax. They’re only jokes!

DG

Beepers

Published on December 17, 2007 in Daily Bitching. 3 Comments

It’s almost 2008, so why in the hell do people still have pagers? I don’t see them too often but when I do, they stick out like a sore thumb. Those old ass beepers are bigger than most of today’s cell phones. I don’t know if maybe the people who are using pagers still think they are cool or what but I really don’t see any feasible reason to own one. Have you guys ever heard of “text messaging”? Most cellular providers offer unlimited text messaging plans for around 5 to 10 bucks.

Think about it. A beeper does what? You call a number, put in your number and then wait for that person to call you back. Oh and don’t forget to put in your beeper code, remember those? So really, what’s the fucking point? You’re still going to need a phone to call them back anyway. Maybe you pager users are just stuck in the 80s? Do you all still own friendship bracelets, hyper color shirts, floppy discs and denim jackets too? Get with the fucking times!

DG