Monthly Archive for March, 2008

Every year in South Florida we get these “visitors” who come down south for the winter. No they’re not ducks or geese, they are French Canadians or better known here as “snow birds”. These people are the rudest motherfuckers on the planet in my opinion. They come down here and drive like senior citizens fuck, real slow. They don’t tip at restaurants nor do they use words like “please” or “thank you”. They all talk extremely loud in restaurants and for some reason think they are better than everyone else. And maybe it’s just me, or it could be their leather skin, but don’t they all look the same?

There is one thing in particular that these FC’s do that really gets on my fucking nerves though. It’s what they wear to the beach! If you’ve never seen one of these people on the beach before you’re lucky. The men all wear tight ass Speedo thongs along with knee-high black socks and sandals. In my opinion no man, no matter how good looking or built he is, should EVER go out of the house wearing nothing but a thong. It’s just gross! And the woman, well the only way to tell the difference between the FC men and FC women is that the women have full bathing suits on, thank god!

So it’s almost time for these fucks to go back to where they came from as it will soon start to get extremely hot here, and heat to a French Canadian is like kryptonite to Superman. So I’d like to give a big thanks to all the asshole FC’s who come here every year and piss everyone off. Thanks for being the cheap annoying smelly bastards that you all are, and thanks for finally going the fuck home!

DG

So I was out the other day with my wife and I happened to look over and see this couple with the most ridiculous fucking outfits I have ever seen. They had on these matching shirts that appeared to be airbrushed with “Dan loves Lisa” on the guy’s shirt and “Lisa loves Dan” on the woman’s shirt. Now this may have been a “cool” thing to do back in the early 90’s when you were in 8th grade, but when you’re thirty something years old it’s actually quite corny. I guess these people had nothing better to do and one day said to each other “hey honey, why don’t we get matching t-shirts made and walk around like fucking idiots?” If any of you ever see me out with my wife and we have on matching clothes, I am giving you permission now to walk up to me and kick me right in the fucking balls. Seriously who in their right mind, other than these two tards and the fucking Osmands, thinks that wearing matching shirts is a good idea? Do you?

DG

I just couldn’t pass this one up! So this redneck in Kansas was installing his DirecTV satellite dish at his home over the past weekend. Well he had a little trouble creating a hole through his wall so that he could get the wires into his house. You’d think he’d go on down to the old hardware store and maybe get a longer drill bit or a new hammer drill right? Nope, this dipshit decided he was just going to shoot a hole through the wall instead with his pistol. Well I guess this fucking idiot didn’t realize his wife was outside and when he shot through the wall, he also shot through his wife and killed her.

How fucking stupid do you have to be to install a satellite dish with a pistol? I mean what the fuck was this guy thinking? “Damn I can’t get the dag gum wire through this sunbitch, baby get me my gun I gonna fix this puppy right” It’s just sad because someone else died from this mans stupidity and now he has to spend the rest of his life knowing that he killed his wife being an idiot. Let this be a lesson to the rest of you good ol boys. If you don’t have the right tools for the job please don’t use a gun!

DG

READ THE FULL STORY HERE

Once upon a time smoking was one of the coolest things anyone could do, and almost everyone lit up. Smoking was glorified in movies, TV shows, magazines etc. Now if you’re a smoker you are labeled as if you were a criminal who doesn’t care about the health of your body. People look at you like you just stole a fucking car when you’re out taking a puff and in some places you can’t even smoke outside anymore. (Fuck I don’t want to smoke inside, it stinks.) Unfortunately I happen to be a smoker and believe me I am not proud of it. It’s just that a smoking habit is extremely hard to kick.

So the other day I was standing in front of my office building taking a smoke break on company time. All of a sudden this guy who works next door comes out specifically to tell me “hey you are polluting my breathing air”. He then starts to preach to me on how he was a smoker for twenty years and quit cold turkey. He then goes on and on about how bad smoking is and that I should seek help in quitting. I politely told him to kiss my ass and went back in to continue working. Who the fuck is that guy, or anyone for that matter, to tell me what I should or should not be doing?

Why do ex-smokers always feel the need to go around like a Jehovah’s Witness trying to get smokers to convert? I know that what I am doing is harmful but when I feel the need to quit I will do it at my own fucking leisure, not yours asshole. I didn’t wake up one day and say to myself “hey maybe I will smoke today and start to slowly kill myself”. No I started in high school like everyone else because it was the cool thing to do and hell everybody was doing it. So if you’re an ex or non-smoker please keep your fucking comments and stories to yourself and leave us the hell alone. It’s bad enough that smoking cigarettes is labeled worse than smoking crack in this country, so I don’t need some asshole telling me what I already know.

DG

Some of you are probably asking yourselves “how are you going to bitch about grey hairs when you’re bald?” Well let me just tell you that grey hairs don’t discriminate, especially anywhere on my body. Normally I sport a neatly trimmed goatee because as a bald guy it fills the gap of being hairless, plus I look funny without it. And usually about once or twice a year I get a stick up my ass and grow a full beard just for the hell of it. Well this time I grew one over the past weekend and noticed that about one third of my facial hair is grey. Holy shit, I’m not even thirty yet!

So I decided to do what any other guy would do in my situation, dye the fucker with some “Just for Men” beard coloring. Well let me just tell you that this is one of the dumbest fucking things I have ever done. After I put on the dye and the set time was up I started to wash the shit off of my face. Well I think I left it on too long because not only do I still have grey hairs all over my face, I now have what appears to be a circus clown beard. Meaning that it looks like someone drew a beard on my face with shoe polish. So I will now go to work looking like a fucking rejected rodeo clown, as I cannot seem to get this shit to rub off. Thanks grey hairs and thanks Just For Men you bastards!

DG