Doug's Daily Gripes
Wouldn’t be great if President Bush was impeached only a few months before his term finished? Hell why not right he fucked our country so lets fuck him back in return! Isn’t that what America is all about? Well Congressman Dennis Kucinich is giving everyone a chance to kick GW’s ass out and if you feel the same way please feel free to visit Mr. Kucinich’s website and sign his petition. It only takes about a minute!
DG
http://kucinich.us/
So the other day someone I’ve known for twenty fucking years asked me what I used to look like when I had hair. My initial response to them was “Um I haven’t been bald that long, you don’t remember?” Well they said no of course so I proceeded to look for a picture of myself back before I started to sport the penis like haircut. Well let me just tell you that I looked at almost every picture I’ve been in the last three or four years and couldn’t even find one of me with hair. So I started thinking to myself, “Damn have I really been bald that long?” Well I continued to look for a picture and I finally found one from 2004 and it made me realize some of the shit I used to do to try and make myself out to look like I had a full head of hair.
You see every man on both sides of my family were all bald so my chances of losing all my hair were pretty high since birth. I started to get the receding hairline thing at about 17 or 18 years old and by the time I was 24 I had a really bad comb-over hair do. I used to do some really oddball shit to try and cover up my baldness and now that I think of it I looked like a complete fucking idiot. I had really long bangs down to my chin that I would puff up to look like more hair with a blow dryer and my own “special” hairbrush. Then I’d glue it all together with some Aquanet hairspray in hopes that my hair helmet would stay together all day. My wife would know when I drove home from work with the windows down because all of my “hair” would be pushed to the right side of my head sort of resembling a rooster.
Well one day I happened to be in a hotel that had mirrors on both sides of the wall and I got a glimpse of what my head looked like from the back. Holy shit did I look like a fucking tool! The very next day I said fuck it and cut what hair I had left off and that was it I have been bald ever since. At first I was a little depressed that I had to resort to shaving my head at such a young age but after a few months it grew on me, lol. And you know what? It’s fucking great! It takes me less time to get ready in the morning, I save money on hair cuts and Aquanet, I look younger, I stay cooler and most importantly I don’t look like a hair club for men reject. After thinking about it honestly the best thing I ever fucking did was shave my head bald and hell people I’ve known all my life don’t even remember that I ever had any hair in the first place.
DG
How fucking stupid do you have to be to steal a damn light pole and try to cash it in at a scrap yard? Maybe you should ask this asshole, CLICK HERE TO READ!
DG
So down here in sunny South Florida we have this shitty local newspaper called the Sun Sentinel who always seems to get their stories wrong. These jackoffs also have a website, www.sun-sentinel.com, with a section entitled “FloriDuh” where they post stories of some of the dumb shit our locals do. Now some of the shit they write about is kind of funny and entertaining, but some of the topics they put in the “FloriDuh” section just don’t fucking belong there and it kind of pisses me off. There’s this one bitch in particular, Liz Doup, who is the main one behind all the “FloriDuh” stories and this cunt just really irks me with some of the shit she writes.
This dumb fucking whore wrote a story yesterday, CLICK HERE TO READ, about a postman in Northern Florida who cuts grass for free for certain people in need. Basically this guy is doing a good deed and these assholes at the Sun Sentinel have nothing better to do other than put him in the “FloriDuh” section with the rejects. So me being the well-mannered guy that I am I decided to go ahead and send a comment to our lovely Sun Sentinel whore Liz, or Lez whatever the fuck her name is, about how I thought that story did not belong in that section. You know what she had the balls to write back as an answer? “How did he end up in FloriDUH? Because we write about unusual stuff. Live here long enough and you start thinking people doing good deeds are unusual — not the rule!”
What the hell kind of answer is that Lez? Just because someone is doing something nice you find it unusual? Hmmm that doesn’t make any fucking sense to me at all and I’ve lived here all my life! Don’t you retards think we need more people like this guy? Shouldn’t you all be praising him for what he is doing rather than classifying him as someone from “FloriDuh”? Why can’t you assholes create a specific section for all of the good things people do and entitle it “FloriDoes” instead? Maybe, just maybe you pricks at the Sun Sentinel might encourage others to do good deeds as well by praising other do-gooders? Stop trying to be funny and just be real!
DG
Today I think I’ll bitch about myself a little here. I seem to have this rather huge issue with overanalyzing things that happen all the time. Someone could make the simplest statement or gesture and for some reason I always take things the wrong way. Not only do I take things wrong I also sit and analyze the shit in my head to the point of almost going crazy. Then once I’ve completely driven myself fucking nuts by running a million scenarios through my mind I usually come up with a logical explanation as to why the initial situation happened. Sometimes these “situations” go on for days and days before I eventually come to terms with their meaning. I know, it’s really weird!
The main issue is that by this type of shit happening all the time it tends to take my mind away from more important things, like acting normal. I think my problem is that by overanalyzing things I start to think of all kinds of weird shit that would probably never happen in the first place but it still runs through my head as if it were a reality. Basically what I am telling you all here is that I am fucking crazy, but I’m sure most of you already knew that. I think maybe I should heed some of my own advice and just calm the fuck down once in a while and stop over-thinking things. Who would have ever thought the guy who bitches about everyone else would have an issue such as this one?
DG
If an atheist has to go to court, do they still make them swear on the Bible before testifying?
DG
Where the hell did we come up with the saying, “You’ve got to be shitting me?”
DG
Have you ever known one of those people who feel the need to stick their nose in everyone else’s business? You know the type of person who always has to know what’s going on with everyone else even though it has absolutely nothing to do with them? What is it with these fucking people? It’s like they have nothing better to do in their lives so they have to get involved with what you’re doing so they’ll have something to gossip about later. Why can’t you bastards just mind your own fucking business and stay out of everyone else’s shit? I just don’t understand why they get off on knowing what’s up in other people’s lives instead of their own. Are your lives really that boring? Can’t you all spark up some of your own controversy that way you can leave the rest of us the fuck alone? I think all of the non-nosey people should get one set day where we all can stick our noses where they don’t fucking belong in retaliation for you fuckers who do that to us all year long. Maybe then these assholes will get the point an mind their own damn business!
DG
So I was watching TV the other night and I happen to come across a story about a new innovative piece of technology that the world has been missing, adjustable breast implants. These adjustable tits are basically what they say they are, a set of fake boobs where you can either increase or decrease the size similar to the old Reebok Pump sneakers. Could you imagine sitting home with your wife and you feel the need to have sex with a bigger busted woman? Shit all you’d have to do is take her out into the garage and fill her up with a bicycle pump and viola, your size B’s are now double D’s!
I don’t know if I am excited about these new titties or appalled by them because there is one side of me that is enticed by adjustable boobies and another side of me that is saying “what the fuck do we really need these for?” I like titties but maybe these things are taking breast augmentation a little too far? Seriously what happens if you accidentally fill them up too much, will your boobs explode? Or could you make one bigger than the other on Halloween as a sort of joke? I guess there are a lot of indecisive people out there and I’m sure there were plenty of women watching the show as well saying, “Damn I need those tits!” I guess we are definitely in the future now aren’t we? What the fuck are we going to think of next?
DG
HERE IS MY MODIFIED VERSION OF THE NEW IMPLANTS
Seeing that I have gone almost two months without drinking any beer I only felt it necessary to post this wonderful list. I’m probably going to get into a shit load of trouble for this one but fuck it this is funny.
DG
Why Beer Is Better Than Women
1. Beer doesn’t mind sitting in the freezer for an hour to cool off.
2. You can enjoy beer all night long.
3. Beer doesn’t complain when you fart.
4. A beer will wait in the car while you go and play golf.
5. When your beer goes flat you throw it the fuck away.
6. Hangovers go away.
7. A beer doesn’t get jealous when you grab another beer.
8. Beer doesn’t care how much you make a year or what you drive.
9. Beer never has a headache and tells you to wait until tomorrow.
10. You can usually show off your beer out in public.
11. Beer is happy to ride in the trunk of your car.
12. A frigid beer is a good ass beer.
13. A beer gets lighter the longer you hold it.
14. A beer doesn’t come with pain in the ass in-laws.
15. You are never embarrassed by the beer you bring to a party.
16. Beer doesn’t grow hair where it shouldn’t be.
17. Beer doesn’t bitch and complain.
18. You can’t catch anything other than a buzz from a beer.
19. When you’re done with one beer you can just simply get another one, no questions asked.
20. The only thing a beer tells you is when it’s time to take a piss.
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