Monthly Archive for October, 2008

Choose Your Costumes Accordingly!

Published on October 31, 2008 in Daily Bitching. 10 Comments

Ah yes it’s Halloween today and we all know what that means, candy and costumes right? Well normally I write about shit that I have already seen or experienced but today I’m going to do something a little different and write about what I know I’m going to see, the wrong people with the wrong costumes on. Now you all know what I’m talking about here, the fat girl who thinks it’s cool to wear a skimpy witch’s outfit or some other revealing getup that shows off all of those sexy chub rolls. Or how about the overweight guy in his late 40’s who thinks it’s a good idea to wear an outfit with tights like Batman or Spiderman where his gut stretches out the costume and his belly hangs passed his dick and balls. And the worst one of all, the Borat bathing suit YUCK! Oh yea, they’ll be out there.

You see Halloween can be an extremely fun time but all it takes is one asshole wearing the wrong outfit to ruin your evening. You all know who you are and also know damn well what you should and should not wear. If you go to the costume store and they don’t have your size, chances are you shouldn’t be wearing an outfit at all. And if you’re fucking old as hell it’s probably not a good idea to wear something a third grader would have on either, grow the fuck up. So please do yourselves and the rest of us a HUGE favor and pick your Halloween costumes accordingly. Otherwise you’re either going to get made fun of all night, and the next few days, or even worse you’ll end up with a picture of your dumb ass on some shitty internet site like mine.

DG

Weird Fuckin News – “Do kegs and harmonicas mix?”

Published on October 30, 2008 in Weird Fucking News. 4 Comments

Okay so I’m tired, hungover and stuck at work without a lighter to have a smoke. Oh yes, it’s going to be a wonderful fuckin day I can see it now. Anyway I’m too tired right now to give a shit about writing some pointless story so I figured I’d give you all a little weird news for the day. The headline of this story just says it all!

DG

“Man arrested in Santa Cruz with beer keg, harmonica, wet suit, and hallucinogenic mushrooms.”

CLICK HERE FOR THE FULL STORY

Dumb-Ass Of The Week, It’s the Dad’s Fault!

Published on October 29, 2008 in Dumb-Ass Of The Week. 4 Comments

Alright so to make it on my “dumb ass of the week” section you’ve got to be one stupid mother fucker, but this guy takes the cake. Now this story is not only about what this dumb ass did, but also the outcome of his actions are extremely sad. Apparently a man and his 8- year-old son were at a shooting range in Connecticut last weekend and this fucking idiot guy decided it would be a good idea to let his son shoot a fully automatic Uzi, yea really. Well I’m sure most of us know that 8-year-old children and high-powered Uzis do not mix but apparently this kid’s dad never got that email and because of that his child shot himself in the head and died while using that gun.

Now most of you know that I am a firm believer in the second amendment and I’m also licensed to carry a firearm, which I do at all times. But like I said before in a previous posting, CLICK HERE, not everyone should be allowed to own a gun, this guy is one of them. When I read this story yesterday I almost shit myself at the fucking stupidity of this kid’s dad for even letting him near that weapon. Who in their right fucking mind would hand a fully automatic machine gun to an 8-year-old? Not only did the kids dad give him permission to shoot that gun but there were also several other people around who didn’t say anything about it either. You can bet your sweet ass if I was standing there that I would have said, “excuse me you stupid ass mother fucker it’s not a good idea to hand that young child a gun!”

And to top the whole fucking story off the kid’s dad is giving a TV interview two days after this all happened and the asshole doesn’t seem to be showing any remorse for what happened. Anyone else who would have just lost their child to such a tragedy would be too distraught to even think about going on television without showing any emotion. I feel really bad for the rest of this kid’s family but honestly I believe the father AND the people at the gun range should be held accountable for this incident. Had any of these fucking people done the right thing and never let that kid step foot near a firearm all of this shit could have been avoided. So if you’re reading this right now and for some reason you think it’s a good idea to give anyone under the age of 16 a gun to shoot, please don’t! Trust me nobody wants to read about shit like this happening again.

DG

CLICK HERE FOR THE FULL STORY

When Nature Calls

Published on October 28, 2008 in Daily Bitching. 7 Comments

Here’s an aggravating topic for everyone that is almost unavoidable in any situation. Let’s say you’re at the beach just minding your own business and all of a sudden, wham you’ve gotta take a shit and there’s nowhere to do it at. Or you have to take a trip to the Doctor’s office, you get there and right when he comes into the exam room you’re stomach starts to bubble and yet again you’ve gotta take a shit and cannot at that point in time. How about back in the day when we were at school and the shits came about? I don’t know about the rest of you but I was jumping the fence and hauling ass out of there to take my ass home and handle business there instead, nobody wanted to get caught taking a big smelly crap at school. And the worst is when you underestimate your shit, try to squeeze out a little poot and end up like I did the other day at work with a shart in your pants. Oh yes I know this happens to the best of us.

You see sometimes you never know when nature will call and you find yourself running off to find a bathroom that you normally would never step foot in to relieve yourself. Some of you are probably reading this and saying, “Doug why in the hell are you bitching about the shits for?” Well for starters it pisses me off when they come out of nowhere and that’s what I do here is bitch about things, so fuck why not complain about having to take a shit at all the wrong times? I mean it happens to everyone and usually always at the worst fucking time. If only there were a pill that would make you shit at exactly the same time every day that would be the sweetest shit ever, no pun intended. Seriously though is it just me or is there ever a “right” time to take a dump?

DG

I told you I was happy with my religion asshole!

Published on October 27, 2008 in Daily Bitching. 4 Comments

So Saturday I was outside all fucking day cutting the grass, fixing my broken sprinklers and basically just cleaning up my yard to make it look a little more presentable. While I was out there minding my own business and doing my thing I noticed a group of people standing across the sidewalk together staring at me like they never seen a man cut grass before. All of a sudden as I’m just mowing away two of these fuckers came up to me with paperwork in their hand asking me, “Sir, do you have a minute to talk about the coming of our lord and savior?”

Normally you can avoid these pains in the asses by not answering the door but since I was already outside I guess I was an easy target for them. So I did the polite thing and basically told them that I was happy with my religion and that I was not interested in anything they had to say. Now you’d think that would be enough for them to simply leave me alone and go onto the next schmuck cutting his grass, but no they had to start telling me this and that about how I should listen to them if I wanted a happy afterlife. I don’t know what religion they were trying to push off on me but by this time I was getting a little pissed off. So again I said, “I already told you that I’m happy with my religion and totally not interested in what you have to offer, please don’t make me have to tell you all to go fuck yourselves!” Whoops I just did, sorry couldn’t help it.

Like I said I could give two shits about what religion they were trying to pass off. I already have one religion that I don’t follow so I damn sure don’t need another one to learn a bunch of shitty rules to break. I just don’t see how these fucking people can go around busting people’s balls all day long in the name of God. No matter what religion you are I’m sure you’re version of God doesn’t appreciate you people annoying others to try and gain members. I mean I know you all are trying to do something positive but are you people that fucking stupid to not realize that I am outside busting my ass and not to bother someone who’s busy? So like I said, fuck em if they can’t take a hint the first time. I tried to be nice but you bastards just wouldn’t give up. Why don’t you all go push your fucking religion somewhere else instead of in my yard on a Saturday morning?

DG

Weird Fuckin News – 105 Year Old Virgin

Published on October 26, 2008 in Weird Fucking News. 2 Comments

Meet Clara Meadmore, the 105 year-old virgin from the UK. This lady has abstained from having sex all her life and claims that to be her success in making it to her age. I’m a little stumped as to why someone would never want to indulge in the wild bed boogie mamba, but hey to each is own I guess. The article doesn’t say it but I wonder if she ever played hide the cannoli by herself? I mean fuck a hundred and five years is a long time to go without ever having an orgasm, that lady’s cooter is probably closed up and healed by now.

DG

CLICK HERE FOR THE FULL STORY

things That Make You Go Hmmmm #40

Published on October 25, 2008 in Things That Make You Go Hmmmm. 0 Comments

Why do really dark black guys even bother to get tattoos? Wouldn’t it be better if they got them done in white ink?

DG

Gay Marriage, Are You Going to Vote Yes or No?

Published on October 24, 2008 in Daily Bitching. 5 Comments

Okay so this is a real touchy topic for everyone but it’s one that I myself am kind of undecided on. You all know that I make gay jokes here and there but when it comes down to it I really could care less what people do in their bedrooms and I honestly have nothing against gay people. I don’t personally like so see two guys fondling each other and holding hands but hey, some guys just like dick what can I say?

I was recently informed that in the upcoming election there will be a vote for gay marriage on the ballot. One side of me is saying hell no that’s gross and the other side of me is saying why not let them have the same rights as everyone else. I think that if two people are together in a relationship and if something happens to one of them the other should have the right to see that person in the hospital and be the decision maker should it come down to it in the end. But I also believe that marriage between a man and a woman is beneficial to procreation and the continuation of our species.

So as you all can see I am completely undecided here. But the fact of the matter is that people are going to be gay regardless of if they are “allowed” to get married or not. I don’t think that by letting gays get married that there will be an increase or decrease in homosexuality, it is what it is. Whatever happens though I think we should put this issue to rest already no matter what the decision turns out to be. We have way more issues in this country other that deciding who can marry who and what benefits they can have. So I’m leaving you all with this one question to ponder here and hopefully I can get some responses, are you or are you not going to vote for the approval of gay marriage?

DG

Dumb-Ass Of The Week, Ma’am Put Down The Tampon

Published on October 23, 2008 in Dumb-Ass Of The Week. 4 Comments

Imagine this, you’re a police officer and you get a call about a shoplifting woman who is brandishing a weapon at a local Walgreens store. You ask if it’s a gun or a knife she has? Then you arrive on the scene and come to find out it’s some crazy fucking bitch waiving a bloody tampon around. She’s serious and she’s gonna use it if she has to. Fucking gross huh? Well that’s exactly what happened to the cops in Fort Pierce Florida on Wednesday. Shit like this really makes you stop and think, “what the fuck is wrong with people these days?”

DG

“Both officers told her to drop the well-used and bloody female sanitary napkin, but the suspect refused,” the affidavit states. “I delivered a firm, lawful command to the suspect to drop the object and told her it was gross.”

A female officer eventually put the “offensive and potentially dangerous biohazard item” in a plastic bag.

CLICK HERE FOR THE FULL STORY

Congratulations Stephan and Sandy

Published on October 22, 2008 in Daily Bitching. 5 Comments

I just wanted to give a special congratulations to my brother in-law and my new sister in-law, Stephan and Sandy Brown. After almost seven years they finally tied the knot last weekend in beautiful Key West. They also played it smart and didn’t invite anyone, good for them cause thats the way I did it! Anyway I wish them many many years of getting on each others nerves and hope they had a great time.

DG

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