Why is that song called the TWELVE days of Christmas when there is only one fucking day of Christmas?
DG
Monthly Archive for November, 2008
Okay so for those of you looking for an awesome deal today look no further. I have found the deal of a fucking lifetime for you all that will even improve your quality of life, it says so on the ad. Forget about waiting in line for eight hours to save a hundred bucks on a TV and take this coupon I’m giving you over to Dr. Gee and get your asshole checked out! I figured after all that turkey and pumpkin pie from yesterday there will be a few of you needing this coupon anyway. So enjoy!
DG
Yes it’s Thanksgiving again and today we’ll all be doing the same shit as everyone else in America, over eating and bitching about all of our relatives behind their backs. It’s the only day out of the year where you spend six to eight hours cooking for a bunch of ungrateful bastards only to eat the shit in twenty minutes and pass the fuck out from the “itis”. All the people that you haven’t seen or heard from since last year come over to make a mess out of your house, bitch about all their medical problems and then run off with all the good leftovers. Someone usually ends up the drunkest out of the bunch and causes a fucking scene in front of everyone and if you’re real lucky the cops might even show up as well. So get your beer and antidepressants ready people because it’s going to be a long ass day of fun. I can’t wait for everyone to get here because that means I can start counting down the minutes until they all fucking leave. I hope the rest of you all are going to have as much fun as I am today and hopefully we can all keep our disasters to a minimum. Have a happy fuckin turkey day people!
DG
So the other day I gave you all a list of things that I wanted to be when I grew up. Well I’m totally taking one of them off of that list and for damn good reasoning. If you guys have been watching the news lately you’d know that NASA is recycling urine and sweat at their space station into drinking water for the astronauts. Now I don’t know about the rest of you but I’ll be damned if you’d ever catch me drinking any “used to be piss” water. I understand that the astronauts need something to drink while they’re up there but fuck come on NASA that’s all you guys could come up with is to recycle piss? All those billions of dollars you guys go through you couldn’t find a way to get a fucking Zepyr Hills delivery in space? It’s like who the hell was in charge at that meeting when you all were trying to find a solution to a water shortage the Porta Let guys? Call me old fashioned but to me I just cannot fathom the idea of doing anything else with pee pee other than flushing it down the toilet. Oh and who is in charge of testing this machine for trial and error? What do you guys at NASA do keep tasting the recycled piss over and over again until you get it right and it no longer tastes like pee? And what are you guys gonna do next when you need to find a solution to a food shortage in space, tell all the space men to eat a bunch of corn before they go up there so that way they can recycle that too? I’m sorry but this whole idea is just gross to me!
DG
CLICK HERE FOR MORE INFO FROM NASA
So you go out to the store to spend your hard earned money on a brand new shirt in the package. Then you take your new shirt home and the next day decide to wear it out somewhere but oops you forgot something, it’s wrinkled dummy. Just because it’s new and fresh out of that nicely packaged plastic doesn’t mean you can wear the fucker without ironing it first! Yes we see this shit all the time, people go out and buy new clothes or sheets for their beds and think that because it’s new nobody will notice all the fucking wrinkles. I saw that on MTV Cribs a few times where you get these rich bastards, Lil Wayne, who say they spent a thousand dollars on some bed sheets but yet you can’t pay your maid twenty bucks to dry clean the shit for you. Man why do you people do shit like this? We all know your shit is new by those nicely manufactured creases and wrinkles that look ridiculous so why can’t you all notice that too before you leave your house? Don’t you people have mirrors or wives that will tell you how fucking stupid that looks? Seriously you all need wake the fuck up and take a look at yourselves because the rest of us are laughing at you!
DG
Have you ever been out to the store or somewhere in public and you see these asshole people walking their kids around with a fucking leash? Tell me what is the deal with that shit, shouldn’t having your kid on leash be considered child cruelty? What parent in their right mind walks their kids around like a pet fucking dog? Maybe I’m missing something here but to me if you cannot take control of your own child a leash is not the answer. Walking your kid around like a German Sheppard shows that one you have no idea what you’re doing as a parent, and two that you’re too fucking lazy keep an eye on your children that you’d rather walk them like a pet on display. Seriously I think kid leashes should be banned for all intensive purposes and taken off of store shelves. What are you people teaching your children by walking them around like that? That it’s okay to treat a human like a fucking animal? It’s bullshit! Put down the Goddamn leashes and teach your kids right from wrong instead of pulling them around all day on a fucking rope! What’s next kid collars that shock the little bastards if they go too far away from their yards?
DG
So a couple of months ago I told you all about the “Butt Bandit” of Valentine Nebraska who was running around at night time rubbing his greasy ass and balls on the windows of some of the town’s businesses, click here to read. Well apparently the Valentine police caught the man, and his ass, in the act the other night and have finally apprehended the “Butt Bandit”. I guess living in such small towns that there isn’t much to do so some people have to make up their own fun by putting Vaseline on their ass and balls and rubbing it up against windows all over town. I wonder what the authorities are going to charge this guy with? Maybe they need to interrogate him first to “ass” him a few questions as to why he was doing that shit in the first place.
DG
Why do you fucking people insist on asking for directions or take your sweet ass time counting change at the tollbooth? Don’t you assholes realize there are a couple hundred people behind you who’d like to get through as well?
DG
I’ve lived in South Florida all of my life and at one time we were considered the cocaine capital of the United States. All the good coke came from here back in the day and even now we’re still up there in distribution but this time the drug has changed. People are coming from all over the country to get their prescription drugs now and trafficking that shit instead of your usual cocaine or heroin. It’s so easy to come down here and find yourself a “pain management” clinic that will prescribe you just about anything you want, the hot item though is oxycontin. All you have to do is look in the newspaper, find a “pain management” center and go on in there to tell them your back hurts or some shit and they’ll give you all the prescription dope you could possibly want.
I wrote about the prescription pill epidemic a while back but didn’t tell about how these people were getting the shit. It’s so easy to get the drugs down here that it seems as if almost everyone is on them. We’ve got police officers getting fired for the shit, click here for the story, soccer moms hooked on it and even worse the younger kids are getting their hands on the stuff too. The laws are fucking strict as hell too, if you get caught with even one pill without it being in a prescription bottle you’ve got yourself a nice felony charge going for you. It’s really scary to think how many people are running around the streets here high as a kite all because these fucking doctors at the “pain management” centers want to make a few extra bucks.
What needs to happen here is that instead of putting the junkies in jail the authorities need to target all of these fucking clinics and shut them the hell down. The “pain management” centers and crooked doctors are the ones to blame for all this shit going on and should be targeted similar to drug stings in the ghetto. I can go outside and risk being in a car accident or getting robbed by one of these nut cases on their prescription pills all because of the greed of these asshole doctors giving the shit out like it’s fucking candy or something. This bullshit has got to stop down here and someone needs to step the fuck up and make it happen. Like I said South Florida is no longer the cocaine capital of the country, it’s now the “pain management” capital and it seems that there’s nobody doing anything about it. What happened to the war on drugs?
DG
So you see this shit all the time, some guy convinces some girl to take naked pictures of herself and send them to him either via email or text message for his personal enjoyment. The next thing you know they’re no longer together, he shows all of his buddies the pics and all of a sudden that chick is all over the internet showing the world her erotic pictures. Or a group of girls go out together for ladies night, get a little drunk at a party and their tops come off for everyone’s entertainment. A few months later their dad sees them on a girls gone wild video and pukes at the site of his daughter’s titties on his TV screen. The next day the girl decides to sue whoever took her pictures not realizing that she herself initiated the whole thing by being drunk and voluntarily showing us all her fucking knockers.
Now I like to see a little T and A from time to time just like any other guy, but sometimes you ladies need to learn a little self control when it comes to openly showing your body in public or via electronic messaging. Some of you chicks have to realize that in this day and age everyone is watching and that sometimes it’s probably best if you simply keep your fucking clothes on. No dad wants to go online to whack off to some internet porn and see his daughter getting exploited during her recent spring break rendezvous. If you ladies don’t want to see yourselves on some smut website one day then it’s probably a good idea to leave the pornography up to the people who actually get paid for it. The moral of this story? Don’t take pictures in the nude unless you want the whole world to see them because eventually it WILL happen!
DG
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