Monthly Archive for February, 2009

I Don’t Give A Fuck Friday!

Published on February 27, 2009 in Daily Bitching. 3 Comments

So used to get a heckler from time to time here and I always tried to answer them back with my catchy theme entitled “Fan Mail Friday”. Well since no one takes the time to fuck with me anymore my Fridays here have been less and less entertaining so I decided to give you all a new category for the end of the week called “I Don’t Give A Fuck Friday”. What I’m going to do from now on is to give you all something or someone that I absolutely have no compassion for, or in my own words just don’t give a fuck about for whatever reason. Today I’m going to be honest with you all here and tell you that what I don’t give a fuck about this Friday is/are stupid ass criminals. Yes I don’t give a shit about dumb fucking criminals, like for instance the idiot who robbed several banks and was later caught because the dumb shit was writing the robbery requests on his own blank checks with all his information on them. Duh you stupid ass maybe you should have bought a pack of sticky notes before you started to rob the bank you usually go to every week. Or how about the dumb asses who get pulled over for the most petty shit like running a red light or something and then decide that it’s a good idea to lead police on a high speed chase in an old beat up piece of shit car? It’s like what the fuck is wrong with you tards don’t you all realize that you almost never get away from the cops even in a fast car? Don’t you fuckers watch TV and every time someone runs from the law the news crews are usually right on top of that shit with helicopters saying “look at this fool”? So there you have it, I don’t give a fuck about dumb criminals who inadvertently get themselves caught because they’re too stupid to do anything else and think that their last resort is to commit a crime. You assholes deserve to be where you are! So tell me what do you all not give a fuck about on this beautiful Friday?

DG

The Blowguard?

Published on February 26, 2009 in Daily Bitching. 7 Comments

Okay so when I saw an ad for this thing yesterday I was thinking to myself, “what in the fuck is this?” Well apparently some dentist somewhere created a new item for oral sex called the “Blowguard”. Now what the Blowguard is designed to do is to one prevent women from nicking a man’s dick with her teeth while giving him a blowjob, and not only does it do that it also vibrates for extra pleasure. The story behind how this thing was created is pasted below and yes I copied it from their website.

“The Blowguard™ Story”

“PLEASE NOTE: The Blowguard™ is NOT a denture. It’s for adults of all ages with or without dentures or real teeth.”

“A 47 year old female patient came to see me a few years back. I made her a beautiful set of upper and lower dentures (she had no teeth). They looked and fit great!! She left the office satisfied. The very next day she returned to the office unhappy. I asked her what was wrong and she told me that her teeth moved when she gave her boyfriend a blow-job the night before. I joked with her and told her to take out her teeth – that he would love that. She said that he didn’t know that she didn’t have teeth. So I took the dentures from her and made a soft custom night guard to cover the teeth. The next day she called me and was very happy.
It worked. Blowguard™ novelty toys for couples was born!

Dr. Joe”

Testimonial:

We are an older couple that wears dentures. We are active in the swingers lifestyle. The blowguard fits over my dentures and when Im giving other men blowjobs, my teeth don’t move.

Thank you!

Howard and Elaine T. California

Is that some funny shit or what? Now come on here I can see this item maybe for a young woman, or man in this day and age, who may be a little inexperienced at giving head and nicks a guy’s pecker with his or her teeth because they just don’t know how to properly give a a BJ. But if you’re in your forties and still scraping the head with your teeth then something is terribly fucking wrong. I mean if my woman constantly bit my pecker while performing felacio I wouldn’t buy her one of these fucking things, no I would have gotten rid of her a long time ago. Just kidding! Seriously this device is a lazy excuse for women to not properly learn how to administer a good fucking blow job. If you’re looking to expand your BJ skills my personal recommendation would be to first watch the famous movie from the 1970′s entitled “Deep Throat” and after you watch that a few times then get plenty of practice, I’m sure it wont be hard to find someone to let you practice on them. But to me the Blowguard looks like you’re getting ready to play football or some shit when you put it on as it resembles a mouth guard. I don’t wanna look at that thing hanging out of your mouth like you’re an epileptic trying to control yourself while getting some head. Yea this is a cool idea sort of because a man can use it on a woman as well but in all honesty I could never see myself using something like this at all. Really the only good thing about this is the laugh I got from the testimonial on their site, oh and I almost forgot about the demonstration video that was pretty entertaining as well. So if you’d like to purchase one of these contraptions, or see a great video on how this thing is used, then “head” on over to www.blowguard.com and check it out.

DG

Is that fucking ringtone really necessary?

Published on February 25, 2009 in Daily Bitching. 4 Comments

So you’re out at a store or maybe even sitting at work and all of a sudden the person next to you happens to receive a phone call with some stupid fucking ringtone coming out of their phone. Now I’m not talking about young kids here, no I’m talking about grown ass people with songs like “Superman that ho” and “Back that ass up” playing from their phones like they were in grade school. Or even worse is when you call someone, who’s supposed to be a professional by the way, and they have some stupid ass song playing instead of your typical ring when you’re waiting for them to pickup the phone. Now I don’t know about the rest of you all but to me this type of shit is childish and completely uncalled for, especially when someone who is supposed to present themselves a little better has Little Wayne playing out of their pocket during a meeting. It’s like come on people don’t you all realize that you’re making yourselves out to look like a fucking tool with these unnecessary fucked up ringtones, even more so when you’re like 50 fucking years old? Does having a drug addict’s song playing from your phones make you all feel like you’re younger because all the kids are doing it? Shouldn’t we have some type of cutoff age for people who want to install these dumb ass ringers on their phones to prevent them from making them out to look like an asshole? Or maybe we should just come up with a default ringtone for anyone over the age of let’s say 18 that plays out something like “I’m a fucking idiot who feels the need to have some shitty commercialized song on my phone because I thought that I used to be cool but instead I got this little tune.” Catchy huh? Seriously though people there is a time and a place for certain things and having some ignorant shit coming out of your phone when you’re supposed to be grown is not cool at all. Grow the fuck up and put your fucking phones on silent for Christ’s sake!

DG

Weird Fuckin News – “What To Do In Case Of Sewer Backup.”

Published on February 24, 2009 in Weird Fucking News. 2 Comments

Imagine this, you call your local city’s sewer management due to the fact that there’s a sewage line break outside of your home. The next thing you know the dumb fucks who work for the sewage department in St. Martin Missouri decide that it would be a good idea to use a jet sprayer to clear the lines. What the hell do you think happened next? You guessed it the jet sprayer shot raw sewage, or shit as I like to call it, right through the sewer lines through these people’s sinks, toilets and tubs right into their homes. Yea these poor bastards have got shit everywhere throughout their houses but the worst part is that when they went to complain to the sewer workers they didn’t take responsibility for the shit and instead handed the homeowners a brochure entitled “What To Do In Case Of Sewer Backup”, told them to call the city’s legal department and then just fucking left the people there with several inches of shit backed into their homes. So basically these people are left in deep shit without anyone to help them out and it was all their city’s fault. I wonder if the city’s sewer workers told these poor people when they went to complain that “hey there’s nothing we can do about it, shit happens!”

DG

CLICK HERE FOR THE FULL STORY, AND VIDEO IF YOU WANT TO THROW UP

Can you please just shut the fuck up????

Published on February 23, 2009 in Daily Bitching. 0 Comments

So for the second weekend in a row I’ve spent both Saturday and Sunday working out in my yard. My wife and I have been busting our fucking balls trying to get our house looking in tiptop shape and honestly it’s almost there. I’m sore, tired, sun burnt and my hands look like I’ve been mauled buy a freaking pitbull but once all this shit is done it will all be worth it. Now while I was outside doing all this bust ass manual labor I realized a few things, the first is that I’m glad I listened to my dad before he died and went to college like he said so that I don’t have to do shit like this to make a living. Hey some people were built for hard work and some weren’t, I wasn’t! And the other thing that I realized while I was working my ass off is the fact that my nosy ass neighbor just doesn’t seem to know how to shut the fuck up. This guy will come out when he sees you working like a damn slave and try to spark up conversation like “hey what are you doing over there?” Then he’ll stand there for a fucking hour or so and will keep running his mouth about shit that no one else wants to hear about so he feels the need to bombard me with all this nonsense crap talk.

So as this yappidy fucker is standing there talking to me he starts asking all types of questions like what am I doing? Well there is a big ass patch of yard that’s nothing but dirt and I have a pallet of sod here that I’m moving to that patch of dirt so what the fuck do you think I’m doing? I mean yea he’s a nice guy and a pretty decent neighbor compared to the other assholes around here but the absolute worst part about this fucking guy is that he cannot take a hint. Example, I’m working on putting in new sprinklers to cover the new grass so I’m going back and fourth franticly from the front to the back yard while he stands there to wait for me to come back to continue HIS conversation. It’s like dude don’t you see that it’s almost dark and I’m really dirty and fucking tired, do you think you could shut the fuck up maybe so I can finish? Yea I like to talk just as much as anyone else but sometimes when you’re on your hands in knees digging in the dirt you really do not want to be bothered by anyone. It really makes me wonder what the fuck is wrong with people sometimes and why they cannot seem to simply shut the fuck up and mind their own damn business.

DG

Weird Fuckin News – “I spent a lot of money on this weave!”

Published on February 20, 2009 in Weird Fucking News. 3 Comments

Okay so I totally had some other pointless story to share with you all this morning but when I opened up my news reader when I woke up I came across this story and laughed so fucking hard that I just couldn’t resist sharing it. Apparently this woman’s ex-boyfriend was mad at her for some reason, followed her to a local store and began shooting at her. Well one of the bullets hit this ghetto ass bitch in the back of her head but fortunately for her the nasty weave she spent all her money on stopped the bullet and saved her life. Yes you all are reading that correctly her fake ugly pink hair stopped a .40 caliber bullet from entering her head. I’m not a big fan of the whole weave thing but I’m actually considering buying one for my bald mug just to have a little protection in case I get into some shit one day. Now don’t get me wrong here I’m not making fun of the fact that someone tried to kill this woman I’m making fun of what she said on the video. So if you all are up for a good laugh watch the video below and have a happy fucking Friday!

DG

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Do you really have to whine when you talk to me?

Published on February 19, 2009 in Daily Bitching. 4 Comments

I’m sure I have written about this before but sometimes you have to talk to someone that gets on your fucking nerves so I’m just expressing how I feel today. Anyway so as most of you all know I’m a pretty decent guy and I usually like just about everyone, but if there is one thing I cannot stand is a whiney ass person. You know the type of person who basically whines whenever they fucking speak and every time that something comes out of their pussy ass mouth it sounds as if they’re crying? These types of people are usually the ones who were given everything throughout life because when they didn’t get their way they simply cried like a little bitch and no one wanted to listen to them. Then they grow up to be forty fucking years old and still do the same thing as if they were still that bratty ass kid trying to always get their way. It’s pathetic to hear a grown fucking man bitch and whine to try and get what he wants and it honestly fucking disgusts me when I have to deal with people like this either over the phone or in person to the point where I’m sure my damn blood pressure is sky fucking high. I try not to let shit like this bother me but I just don’t operate that way. If something pisses me off I can’t help the way I feel and that’s it. Maybe I’m cut from a different cloth or maybe I just have a really short fuse, but whatever my issue is it still doesn’t change the fact that I cannot stand you whiney puss mother fuckers who feel the need to cry like a Goddamn baby all the fucking time when you speak. Stop your fucking whining because for one that shit will never get you anywhere with me and two it makes you out to sound like the biggest puss in the world when you’re supposed to be a grown ass man! How do you people make it throughout life this way? Didn’t anyone ever tell you all that nobody likes a fucking whiner?

Thanks for listening to me vent and I hope you all have a fabulous fucking day!!!

DG

Collagen Lips Are Not Sexy!!!

Published on February 18, 2009 in Daily Bitching. 3 Comments

So we all know that in today’s society trying to stay beautiful is a big task for a lot of women and a lot of those women are more than happy to pay for any type of modifications they think may make them appear to look better. You’ve got your Botox, your fake titties, face lifts, ass injections, tummy tucks and my most hated the collagen lip injections. Now I can see if a woman has a really tiny size A breast and has them enlarged to a nice size C, doing that makes a lot of sense to me. But when you chicks think that injecting your lips to swell up like Mick Jagger’s after a night of shooting heroin I think that shit is totally ridiculous. What’s the point in having these huge fucking lips that make you look like you’re pouting all the time? It’s like you women do this because you think it looks good but in all reality it makes you look like you’ve got a baboon’s ass stuck to your fucking face. Not only do the collagen injections look stupid as all hell it also prevents you all from talking properly. Have you ever seen one of these chicks with that shit injected into their lips before up close? I have several times and to be quite honest I think it looks like they have a talking vagina stuck to their faces, it’s just fucking gross! So if any of you ladies out there are considering puffing up your lips with a little collagen injection please don’t do it. It’s not going to make you look good no matter what you believe or what your doctor tells you. The only thing collagen lips will change about you is the amount of people who will laugh and make fun of your stupid ass behind your back when you leave the room. It’s not pretty!!

DG

I just Contributed To The Immigration Problem

Published on February 17, 2009 in Daily Bitching. 2 Comments

Over the past couple of weeks I’ve had a lot of work done to my house, it wasn’t in that bad of shape but it did need a few things spruced up a bit. I had guys out painting the house because that’s one of the few things that I absolutely refuse to do because I cannot stand to fucking paint. I had these guys also do quite a few other things as well around here that I could have done myself but there’s one thing that I tend to lack sometimes, ambition. Well being the dumb ass that I am I had two pieces of my yard out by the street where I just couldn’t get grass to grow so I decided that on Saturday I would try and remove all the weeds and dirt to get it prepared to lay some new sod, big mistake. I was paying people to paint and repair my house, I had a guy out there cleaning my car and my stupid ass was digging in the fucking dirt. Makes a lot of sense huh? Anyway so it took me about five or six hours of ball busting work before giving up and honestly I didn’t accomplish a Goddamn thing.

So the next day I did what any God given American would do when they no longer want to bust their ass and went out and hired myself a Mexican laborer to dig the shit up for eighty bucks. Yes yours truly went around the block and found an illegal immigrant, who probably isn’t supposed to be in the country in the first place, to do the shitty job I didn’t want to do for a really cheap price. Sure I just contributed to the illegal immigration problem that we have in America but damn it I really needed that shit done so I can finish my project here and for some reason there weren’t any ‘legal’ immigrants around so I hired old Pedro. Yea that was wrong and probably could have gotten me into trouble, but so fucking what? I know there are millions of American citizens out of work right now who could have used the money but none of those people were standing out in front of the Home Depot on a Sunday waiting for some gringo to come offer them a labor job and this guy was. Yup I hired an illegal and you know what? This guy did an awesome job, didn’t complain once and got the shit done for cheap on a fucking Sunday. How many Americans do you know who’ll work like that?

DG

The Simpsons in HD? Why?

Published on February 16, 2009 in Daily Bitching. 2 Comments

So as most of you all know I’m a huge fan of the Simpsons and last night was their first ever episode broadcasted in high definition, or as most people call it HD. Now there’s nothing better than watching TV in high definition, and I love when you can see all the inconsistencies in people, but to be quite honest I really don’t see the point in having an HD cartoon. Sure the lines that drew the characters out were a little straighter than normal but in all reality it’s still a fucking cartoon so how much better could it actually be? To me it wasn’t that great and seems like a big waste of money and effort. If you people over at Fox want to make something matter by upgrading your shows to HD I would start with a different program where your viewers can actually tell a difference. Maybe you all should make the show Cops in high def instead that way we can clearly see when someone gets their ass arrested for being an asshole rather than looking at some shitty home video quality of a police chase. Seriously I think you fuckers should leave the cartoons alone because no matter how clear you think the picture is it’s still just a fucking cartoon and should be kept that way!

DG