Monthly Archive for March, 2009

A few weeks ago a good friend of mine that I have known for fifteen or so years invited me to his son’s Bah Mitzvah, which took place this past Saturday. Now when he invited me I said to him “Dude you’re a Jew? I’ve known you for fifteen fucking years and we even lived together a few times, how in the hell did I miss that? Did all those Jew jokes I used to tell you offend you?” It was a big surprise to me that my good friend of all this time was in fact a Jew and still I honestly cannot picture him as being this way. Anyway so Saturday my wife and I head on over to this Chabad place for the Bah Mitzvah and all week I had been kidding her that I was going to buy a yamika to wear so that I would fit in with all the Jews. Well to my surprise these were Orthodox Jews and right when I walked into the building they first made me put on this stupid fucking baby hat and then separated my wife to the women’s side and me to the men’s side of their church, or whatever the fuck it’s called. Now as I’m sitting there wearing this ridiculous fucking hat I was trying so Goddamn hard not to laugh, because all I kept thinking about was the movie Borat and how they totally trashed the Jewish community in that film, and I couldn’t even look my wife’s way because she kept giving me this “you look like a fucking tool” stare and holding my laughter in was next to impossible. To top it all off I was forced to sit right in the front where everyone was able to see how fucking ridiculous I looked.

Now let me just tell you all that I was raised as a Catholic and although I really do not practice my beliefs I sure as hell would take going to church any day over going to this fucking place. All the men are segregated from the women like it was back in the 1600’s or some shit and everyone in the place had these huge un-kept beards, even the women too! lol So as I’m sitting in this place for four fucking hours wishing that I had a glass of wine or a bowl to smoke I realized something, Jews are fuckin weird people. I mean I really don’t want to trash my friend for wanting to practice his born religion but man the least he could have done was warn me about how odd the whole situation was going to be in there. I never felt so uncomfortable in my entire life! It was as if all these smelly big bearded people were staring at me like I was Jesus Christ himself coming to take their faith away. And to top if off these people and their children had to be the most rude and un-behaved fuckers I have ever met. Nobody used the words please or thank you, the little kids kept running around unattended like they owned the place and everyone cut in front of each other without saying a “fuck you” let alone an “excuse me”. Oh and I wont even get into the flavorless food they served there, at least I can thank my buddy Ivan for a good non-Jewish dinner later that night. Yes this was one of the weirdest things I have ever experienced in my whole twenty-eight years on this earth. Let me give you all a bit of good advice here, if anyone ever invites you to a Bah Mitzvah or any other Jewish event you are unfamiliar with do yourselves a favor and tell them you’ve got shit to do that day!

DG

Well today’s story is a little embarrassing for me but I find that when fucked up things happen to yours truly it tends to make the rest of you laugh so I figured I’d share this. Anyway so yesterday at work after I finished my coffee I headed to the bathroom to take my morning dump. I wont get into that many details about my shit but after I was almost finished and was wiping myself my wedding ring accidentally fell off of my finger and right into the fucking toilet bowl. Oh fuck I’m thinking to myself as I stood there for a minute watching my ring sink beneath a mound of turds trying figure out the best way to get the damn thing out. Do I go get a stick or something to try and fish for the ring or do I just say fuck it and reach my hand down in there like a man and simply fetch it out? Well I did the second one and reached down into the smelly bowl, pushed the big turdlings to the side and grabbed my Goddamn ring without hesitation. It was my shit so fuck it right? I mean it was easier for me to reach my hand into a toilet full of my own fecal matter rather than coming home to my wife and having to explain that I lost my wedding ring while taking a dump at work. So after I pulled my ring out I washed it off thoroughly with some Purell and about a half of a can of Lysol and then took my ass back to work as if nothing had happened. Now the one good thing here is the fact that I am only person who uses that said bathroom so at least no one else had soiled that toilet other than me, because had that been a public restroom or a portajohn I’d be out shopping for a new ring right now instead of sharing this nasty story with you all. I know this is a really nasty topic today but I can guarantee that any of you reading this with rings on right now are checking the fucking things to make sure they fit properly. Please don’t be a lazy fuck like I am and make sure your rings are correctly sized or you may end up swimming in shit one day to try and retrieve your wedding bands.

DG

Okay so I’ve had this ongoing argument with my wife over the past several years about whether or not women are allowed, or just do it anyway, to touch the private parts of men at male strip clubs. Now as most of you know some nasty shit goes down in female strip clubs and some of those women who work in those clubs will do just about anything for a few bucks. Me being the realist that I am I happen to believe that the same philosophy is applied to the male strip joints and that if a chick throws a guy in one of those places a twenty dollar bill that the man whore that he is will in turn let the said woman grab or cup his pecker or whatever else she’s like to touch. This argument has been going on for quite some time and I have actually asked several women if this is true or not, including my mother, and they all tell me the same thing “no stuff like that doesn’t happen in those places because all those guys are gay.” Well to be honest with you all here I really don’t fucking believe that shit at all and I also feel that you women have some type of “secret code” between each other where you have taken an oath to never tell men what actually happens inside your penis bars, kind of like “first rule of penis bars is there is no penis.”

I believe in this theory so much that I have even called my wife’s bluff and agreed to go to one of these places just to see what the fuck goes on for myself and I have been told that I’m probably not going to be allowed in, sounds a little fishy to me. All I want to do is walk in, see a woman grab one of the guy’s dicks and get the fuck out so that way I can prove my theory that I’ve had all this time. Because I know that money talks and if women are in there spending their hard earned cash that these dudes are going to give them what they want and there’s no way in hell that you can tell me otherwise. So I know that I have several readers here even though I kid about having only two or three I check my stats and on a good day there’s fifty to seventy people visiting so what I would like you all to do is tell me how the fuck you all feel about this situation by sharing your facts or opinions regarding this whole “that doesn’t happen” bullshit about what goes on inside male strip clubs, or penis bars as they should be called. Tell me people am I wrong or right here?

DG

Actually here’s all the proof I need right here!

So as most of you already know I happen to be a guy and like most men in this day and age my buddies and I usually forward each other emails with naked women doing erotic things, in other words porn. You know an email comes through from one friend and we men forward them on to all our other friends as a way of saying hey man I thought you would enjoy this nasty slut to get you through that hard day at work. Anyway so yesterday I get this email and the subject reads, “Hot hot hot, be careful when opening.” So naturally I open the damn thing and I see this blonde with big fake titties and the slide show is going through all the different poses until the final picture at the end you come to find out this blonde is not a woman, no it’s a transvestite as in a chick with a dick. I was tricked, fucking gross! Now the person that I got this from usually sends the best emails but in this case I was fooled and almost threw up my fucking breakfast because of the nasty shit I had just witnessed. This shit is so not funny at all!

First off I don’t want to see that shit even if it was a joke and second why in the hell would you even think of sending that on to someone? It’s like whoever sent it to me was either grossed out by it and felt the need to ruin everyone else’s day or that said person has a fetish I didn’t know about and I need to stop talking to the nasty bastard. Now what I did, and what this asshole should have done, was delete the Goddamn thing breaking the cycle so that no one else would end up ruining their monitors or keyboards by throwing up after seeing this awful crap. Seriously guys this shit is not fucking funny at all! Tricking people with shemale emails is just wrong for both the sender and the initial dude who decided it was a good idea to grow some hair and add a set of fake tits. I mean tell me what’s worse here a chick with a dick or a perverted ass motherfucker who likes to look at chicks with dicks and feels the need to send the nasty shit to other people?

DG