Monthly Archive for April, 2009

“Fuck My Life”

Published on April 30, 2009 in Daily Bitching. 3 Comments

So a fellow blogger, who’s site I follow daily like the police behind a car full of Mexicans, recently had this really cool blog idea entitled “fuck my life”, or FML for short. It’s where you write something down that is going wrong in your life and at the end you add “fuck my life” as a way of saying you’ve had enough. Now normally I would so give you the link to that particular blog but I added to the FML section there and some of you who read might get offended if you see what I posted, so I’ll keep what I said private at this time. Anyway so after reading this person’s short story regarding the “fuck my life” section I decided it would be a good idea to create a few things that are going on with me personally right now that make me want to say “fuck my life”. So go ahead read on and if you feel like adding your own fuck my life of your own please feel free, trust me it’s rather therapeutic.

DG

1. A close family member of mine recently went to jail for doing some really stupid fucking shit and guess whom they called? Yes yours truly was responsible for bailing this said person out and picking them up from the slammer, “fuck my life”.

2. I have to deal with someone on a daily basis who I totally cannot fucking stand but at this point I have no choice but to suck it up because my hands are tied and there is nothing I can do about the situation, “fuck my life”.

3. My asshole itches and now I have to go to the drugstore and purchase one of the most embarrassing products ever, Preparation H, while I’m almost certain the person behind the counter is making fun of me, all in hopes that I can get the itching to stop, “fuck my life”.

4. My wife had to have her cat put to sleep yesterday and she knows I hated the fucker so no matter what I say to her to make her feel better she assumes I’m lying and doesn’t believe me, “fuck my life”.

See wasn’t that fun? Go ahead and try it on your own!!

I Can’t Believe People Still Use Those

Published on April 29, 2009 in Daily Bitching. 4 Comments

So yesterday on my way home from work I had to stop at the old ATM machine to pickup a little bit of cash so I could pay for strippers and beer. As I was waiting in line at the drive through ATM I happened to notice the man in front of me because well he didn’t have a car and was standing in the drive through lane. Not only was this weird looking man walking through the drive up only ATM he was wearing something I hadn’t seen in about fifteen years. This guy was sporting an old school Sony cassette tape Walkman on his waist. You know the things that people used to have back in the old days when there wasn’t such a thing as digital media? I was so intrigued by the fact that this dude was rocking an old piece of history that I almost forgot that I should make fun of him today. Honestly I couldn’t believe that someone actually still uses cassette tapes. I mean do they even sell those anymore? I buy all of my music on iTunes so the last time I even set foot in a music store was years ago so I couldn’t even tell you what is for sale in those types of places.

I have that mentality that CD’s are a thing of the past so seeing a cassette tape player is almost like seeing someone with an eight-track player, very rare. It’s weird when you see people with shit like that because you’re so used to the digital age now that you basically forget how shitty it used to be to listen to music. It kind of makes me wonder how things will be when I get old like I hope I’m not one of these people who stays stuck in the past. One day I could be the poor bastard standing in the drive through lane with an iPod on and some smart assed fucker will make fun of me for not getting with the times. It just goes to show you that we take things for granted like being able to access pretty much any type of music we want from the comfort of our own homes that we forget how it used to be sometimes. So tell me when was the last time any of you all seen a cassette tape?

DG

If You’re Going To Strip Naked, At Least Have Something To Show

Published on April 28, 2009 in Weird Fucking News. 1 Comment

Do you all remember when I said that dicks are funny? Well this guy has got to have the funniest, if not smallest, penis I have ever seen! A California man posing as a wizard was recently tazered and arrested by police after he refused to put his clothes back on at what seemed to be a Renaissance festival, and it was all caught on tape. The thing that I don’t get is that why in the hell would you walk around naked knowing that your dick is the size of a fingernail? The video of this incident is fucking hilarious but I’m having a little bit of trouble loading it on here and I’m as per usual late for work. So if you’re up for a good laugh click the link below and watch the dumb and naked fucking wizard get his ass tazed, if not go fuck yourself and have a great day!

DG

CLICK HERE FOR THE VIDEO

Watch Out For The Swine Flu

Published on April 27, 2009 in Daily Bitching. 1 Comment

Unless you have been in a hole the last few days you probably noticed all the recent news and state of emergency declared by the government regarding this new swine flu which seemed to have originated in Mexico. Nobody seems to know very much about the flu and how bad it can actually get so why not declare a state of emergency to scare the shit out of everybody right? My guess is that over the next two to three weeks all we’re going to hear about from the media will be regarding the Swine Flu. No Casey Anthony, no rapes, murders, or stock market news anymore just the huge pandemic that is sweeping the nation supposedly about to kill millions of people. The news media is going to milk this shit for all it’s worth and will probably cause a huge panic throughout the world. Pay close attention to the news and listen to whatever the fuck they say about this flu if you want to live as this is no laughing matter people. Mexico has again put a burden on the rest of us with their killer Swine Flu that has not actually killed anyone outside of Mexico but it just might. If you’re smart you’ll go out and buy a few months worth of food and supplies and then lock yourselves the fuck up inside your homes until this shit goes away. Get your gas masks and full body gear ready people because this Swine Flu could potentially be the end for all of us. Do what the news and media people say because they know it all!

DG

If you only had one choice which would you take?

Published on April 24, 2009 in Things That Make You Go Hmmmm. 5 Comments

Okay since I really don’t have shit to talk about today I figured I would ask you all another pointless question like I did last week. What I’d like you all to do is answer the question below either or, there is no “what ifs” to this. You ready?

“If you had to choose between the following two would you rather have high speed internet access or a cell phone? No you cannot have a cell phone with internet built in, only for voice calls. So tell me if you absolutely had to choose which one would you take?”

DG

Dumbass Of The Week – What A Great Mom

Published on April 23, 2009 in Dumb-Ass Of The Week. 1 Comment

When I read the headline for this story I really didn’t see anything interesting enough to use here today, but then I saw this lady’s mugshot and was like “oh that’s perfect for my blog”. An upstate New York woman has been charged with DUI, endangering the welfare of a child and criminal possession of a controlled substance after she crashed her car while she was all fucked up and injured her nine year old daughter during the incident.

“Police said Marty also was charged with harassment because she injured a police officer who was guarding her after she was taken to Southside for a medical evaluation after booking. In her booking photo, Marty can be seen making a lewd gesture with both middle fingers.”

Yes what we have here is another prime example of a piece of shit parent who’s so caught up in her own world of getting high that she put her child in a predicament where the young girl could have been killed. It’s sickening that there are people in this world like this woman who have kids when they shouldn’t and the children end up suffering because of the parent’s stupidity. The real victim in all of this shit here is the lady’s daughter who not only got hurt when her asshole of a mother crashed her car but I’m sure she also is going to suffer from some type of mental anguish after having to experience what her mom just put her through. This bitch of a woman should be thrown in jail without bond for not only endangering the lives of everyone on the road that day but also for bringing her child into her drug induced fucking mess with her. It’s one thing to drive all fucked up on your own but when you bring an innocent child who has no other choice into the situation then you should really have the book thrown at your ignorant ass, dumb bitch!

DG

Can’t you see I’m on the damn phone?

Published on April 22, 2009 in Daily Bitching. 1 Comment

Here’s a short and sweet complaint for today but it’s one that really gets on my fucking nerves. Have you ever been on the phone with someone, maybe an important business call, and you have that one ignorant fuck trying to get your attention even though you’re tied up on the phone? You know that pain in the ass person who feels that whatever they have to tell you is more important than the actual phone call you are already on so they try to get your attention by standing right in front of you staring at you like a fucking moron. Then you try to ignore them and continue with your call and not only do they stand and stare at you they also start to make sigh noises and act annoyed that you don’t stop your phone call like you’re the one bothering them. Oh yes I deal with this shit just about every freaking day and no matter what you say to the asshole who does this they come back tomorrow and do the same fucking thing. It’s like didn’t your parents ever teach you not to interrupt someone while they are on the Goddamn telephone? Do you not realize that whatever the hell you think is more important than what I’m doing on the phone can wait five fucking minutes? I swear the next time this shit happens I’m gonna go off the deep end and totally lose my cool on the person who’s been doing this and it’s not going to be a pretty sight. Do yourselves a favor and don’t fuck with people while they’re on the damn telephone, it’s annoying and it may make you a target for a flying stapler if you continue to do this shit.

DG

Tramp Stamps Are Not For Men

Published on April 21, 2009 in Daily Bitching. 5 Comments

So Sunday I was out at the beach with family and friends having a good old time in the lovely South Florida weather. I was standing in line at the bar, waiting to get a drink obviously, and happened to notice a shirtless dude in front of me with a rather odd tattoo in a place that normally only women would put tattoos. Yes this guy was sporting a tattoo in the small of his back labeled by most as the infamous “tramp stamp”. For those of you who don’t know what a tramp stamp is I have pasted the definition below.

“Tramp Stamp: A tattoo on the lower back of a female. Denotes the perceived correlation between having a tattoo in this location and being sexually promiscuous. The larger the tramp stamp, the more promiscuous the female, goes the common lore. Popular designs include butterflies, flowers, vines, tribal designs, wings etc. Basically it is used as a target to shoot your sperm on after having sex with a woman from behind.”

Okay so now that you all are up to speed on what a tramp stamp actually is you can see why I was a little surprised to witness a man with one of these. At first I was thinking this guy was a total queer but then I saw him bring a drink to what looked to be his girlfriend so I was a little confused. First off why would any man put a tattoo in a place that is normally labeled for loose women? Did you lose a bet or were you out one day and got a little drunk so you decided to give yourself a tramp stamp to show everyone how manly you really are? Do you not realize that potentially hundreds of people are making fun of you every time you take your shirt off? I really wished that I would have simply asked this guy what the fuck he was thinking when he got a tattoo there because I just don’t get it. Seriously guys if any of you reading this right now are thinking about getting a tattoo do your homework first and please don’t put a tramp stamp on the small of your back. If you do chances are that everyone you know, and even more people you don’t know, will be making fun of you for the rest of your lives. Do yourselves a favor gentlemen and leave those tramp stamps for all the trashy women out there, they’re not meant for men!!

DG

Weird Fuckin News – “If You Can Reach That Far Why Bite It Off?”

Published on April 20, 2009 in Weird Fucking News. 2 Comments

Yes It’s Monday again and of course you all know I’ve got some weird shit to share today. A twenty-six year old man in Brooklyn who was a registered sex offender managed to do something most of us men only wish we could do. Damiene Iriarte was found naked and bleeding behind a building in the Fort Greene section of Brooklyn after having bitten the tip off his own penis, police told a local newspaper. Yes you just read that correctly this fucking guy bit the head of his own dick off and for no apparent reason other than he is freaking weirdo. Nobody knows why this guy bit his own penis off and I can’t think of any reason either because if you can reach far enough to get it in your mouth why would you bite it off, or even leave the house? This guy had a gift by being able to suck his own pecker and instead he basically castrated himself, I just don’t get it.

DG

“How he did it? Limber, I guess. Not the work of a sane mind,” a police official told The Daily News.

You think?

Iriarte, 26, pleaded guilty in Suffolk County in 2004 to two misdemeanors after being accused the previous year of raping a 13-year-old girl, according to the News.

It’s not clear why Iriarte bit his own penis, but investigators might be just as confused — or impressed — that he did it at all.”

CLICK HERE FOR THE FULL STORY

Oh one more thing, why in the hell was this guy raping people before if he could suck his own dick??

???Serious Question Today???

Published on April 17, 2009 in Things That Make You Go Hmmmm. 7 Comments

Okay I have a really serious question for you all today and I sure as hell would appreciate your feedback on this one. Now read the following question very carefully and please answer one or the other. I don’t want some bullshit fucking excuse as to why you cannot answer or a question in return, just answer the shit either or. Got it?

DG

Question: If you absolutely positively only had one choice would you rather KNOWINGLY live next to someone who was a registered sex offender, or would you rather live next to someone you DID NOT know was a convicted felon for committing a violent crime like home invasion or murder?