Monthly Archive for May, 2009

Time Foe Another Weekly Question

Published on May 29, 2009 in Doug's Friday Question. 7 Comments

Oh man has it been one hell of a fucking week for me! First all of that other messed up shit happened, then to top it all off yesterday morning I accidentally left my Porsche in gear, went to start it and it jumped forward hitting my flower bed in the front yard ultimately fucking up the bumper that now has to be painted. Oh yes, FUCK MY LIFE! Anyway now that I got that off my chest we can move on to something a little more important, my weekly question. So here it is people a fucked up question to end a perfectly fucked up week.

“Let’s say that you went to your Doctor one day and they claimed that you only had 24 hours to live, what would be the first thing you’d do?”

DG

How can you just toss this thing away like trash?

Published on May 28, 2009 in Daily Bitching. 4 Comments

So yesterday a good friend of mine was driving down the street here in South Florida and all of a sudden some crazy bitch driving in front of him threw a kitten out of her window and into the middle of a busy raining street. My buddy then swerved to keep from hitting the poor thing, got out of his car and picked the wet kitty up to rescue it. Can you believe that shit? Like come on what the fuck is wrong with some of you people? Look at the picture of this little guy how in the hell could anyone possibly just toss this cat right out of a fucking car window, or any animal for that matter? Unfortunately he was unable to catch this asshole fucking lady’s license number because he was too busy trying to avoid hitting the kitten so this scumbag bitch got away. I just don’t understand why anyone would do something like that to such a poor and defenseless animal. As you can see from the picture the cat was wet and scared. It has a little scratch over it’s eye but they’ve been treating it with neosporin and the little thing should be okay. If any of you are looking to adopt a kitten or know of a place where we can take it and it will not be put to sleep please let me know. My buddy or I would keep it but unfortunately we are both highly allergic to cats. The main thing is to try and find he or she a new home somewhere and not give it to the animal shelter where they will more than likely kill it. So I know there’s quite a few of you out there who read here daily, anyone interested in rescuing a kitten?

DG

Where the hell have I been?

Published on May 27, 2009 in Daily Bitching. 6 Comments

I’m back motherfuckers and it feels good to be here. Some of you may be asking yourselves “Doug where in the hell have you been?” Well, I’m going to tell you. Over the Memorial Day weekend my wife and I headed up to North Carolina to visit my grandma and the rest of my awesome family, and we had a really great fucking time. Of course my grandma had a keg of beer at her house like last time thanks to my cool ass uncle Chip who works for the local Budweiser up there. I had plenty of good weed to smoke thanks to my cousin Shawn who was nice enough to drive a hundred miles with the shit just so we could get a little high, I even got another cool pic with my grandma posing with a doober which I will post at another time. My younger cousin Kyle graduated from high school while we were there so congrats to him and we wish the kid the best of luck with his future ventures.

All in all we had a really great time except for one little incident with my ex grandpa, it’s kind of a long story but I’ll keep it short. Basically my grandparents live on a couple hundred acres up in northern NC but they are separated and don’t live together. My ex grandfather lives in a house about 300 yards away from my grandma, and for good reasoning. He’s been a dick to just about everyone in our family for a long time, except for me personally until the other day. You would think that after burying both my uncle and my father at such young ages that he’d be a humble guy, well he’s not. Basically my family and I went down to visit him, some of them to make amends for old stupid shit where he hasn’t talked to them in years, and the fucker shunned us. To make it short and sweet I, who never did anything to him by the way, basically tried to give him a hug, he pushed me away, said no he doesn’t want to talk to anyone and sent us all on our merry way. Yes he’s a fucking asshole but it’s his loss that he is missing out on such a great family. All I have to say is fuck em, the miserable old bastard, and I will never bring it up again. Other than all that we had a blast and it’s always nice to see my cool ass grandma who has been a blessing to me all my life.

Now for the even shittier part! So we get back home on Sunday and I really haven’t told too many people about this yet but my beautiful wife was pregnant and we were really fucking excited. Yesterday I had to take her to the emergency room and unfortunately there were some complications and it looks like we are going to have to try again. It was early on and sometimes things like this happen for the right reasons. And although I usually do not like to get this personal with all of you I just felt the need to explain where the hell I have been and what has been going on with my recent leave of absence. Yea it sucked to experience this and it totally breaks your heart but fuck it, it wasn’t meant to be this time but we’re going to try again until we get it right and that’s the only attitude one should take when this kind of shit happens. Well that about sums it up, I missed a bunch of minor details but if I had put every fucking thing into this story you all would have stopped reading a long time ago like “fuck Doug never writes shit this long.” Anyway thanks again for reading about my recent fucked up issues and look forward to getting back to the daily bitching.

DG

Reporting Live From The Airplane

Published on May 21, 2009 in Daily Bitching. 1 Comment

So I decided to write a late blog today because I was going to the airport and I just knew if I waited I would have something fucked up happen, and it did. I’m actually writing this right now as I’m on the airplane sitting next to a fat smelly old lady who is taking up too much of my space here. This behemoth of a woman sat down next to me wearing this shawl that looks and smells like it hasn’t been washed since the late seventies. Not only does she stink all to be damned she also is taking my armrest and bumping me with her foot and elbow. I’d say something to her but she seems to be Canadian and doesn’t sound like she understands any English. Now I’m forced to sit halfway on my wife’s lap just to get away from the funk and nudges from this nasty fucking old fat lady. Goddamn she just bumped into me again, fuck this bitch! Why me? Why in the hell do I always get stuck sitting next to the rude and smelly ass people? Please lord don’t let me turn out to be that way and annoy someone else later in life who will probably end up writing about me on their blog. Fuck she bumped me three more fucking times!!!! I got it, I’m working on a fart right now and I am totally going to stink this bitch out in a minute. Then I’m going to nudge the shit outta her like she did me. Oh yes I’m getting even right now enough is enough!

DG

The Question Comes Early This Week

Published on May 20, 2009 in Doug's Friday Question. 2 Comments

Tomorrow I am going to Fort Lauderdale International Airport in route to Raleigh North Carolina to visit my family for the weekend. Don’t worry I’ll still be blogging and if you really want you can follow me on Twitter while I’m gone, oh wait I don’t use Twitter. Anyway before I leave tomorrow I wanted ask my Friday question a little early this week because it has to do with air travel and swine flu. Now me personally I’m not worried about the swine flu because more people die each year from the regular flu as opposed to the H1R2D2 or whatever the fuck you call it, but my wife on the other hand is scared shitless of the pork virus. So now that you know my take on the situation let me get to the serious question for the week here. Ready? Let’s say that you’re getting ready to go on an airplane somewhere, would you or would you not wear one of those ridiculous looking surgical masks while you were at the airport to avoid catching the swine flu?

DG

You’re Cutting The Wrong Jobs!

Published on May 19, 2009 in Daily Bitching. 1 Comment

So this morning I wakeup, read my local morning news site and find a story on how our local Broward County Sheriffs department is laying off 177 employees including 48 deputies. There are roughly about 1.8 million people in Broward County alone and we also have one of the biggest crime rates in America. Not that a crime rating is something to brag about but I mean fuck when there are so many criminals out here how can you force cutbacks into something so important like law enforcement? You can’t possibly tell me that there was no other way around this in the recent budget cuts? That you all at the Broward Sheriff’s office or county commissioner’s office couldn’t find anything else to cut but the jobs of the people who protect us from all the bastards out committing crimes? Get the fuck outta here!

Where was the rationality when the decision was made to lay off 48 fucking police officers? Why not administrators? Why not county employees who get paid to sit on their fat asses and do nothing? It just really amazes the shit out of me that this was the only solution to cutting back the county’s budget. It’s actually fucking sick if you ask me. What’s going to happen next year more laid off cops? Don’t you people see that with the recent rise of unemployment that there has also been a rise in crime? Broward County is going to turn into a really great place to live soon if you’re a criminal because we no longer care about the safety of our citizens, no all we care about is shaving money off the bottom so that the people at the top don’t lose any. Fucking ridiculous!

DG

Want Your Vagina Repaired?

Published on May 18, 2009 in Daily Bitching. 1 Comment

You guessed it, it’s Monday and yea I’m late for work AGAIN! Seeing as I am really pressed for time and I don’t have anything relevant to say today I figured I’d give you all a chance to get your vaginas repaired. Yep that’s what the sign says below, it’s all about the cooter repair baby! Makes a lot of sense if you think about it, you need your flappy vagina fixed and somewhere a burn victim needs new ears. It’s totally a win win situation. So if you need some “Painless and Satisfaction” vagina repair, whatever the hell that means, give the people over at Christ The King Maternity Clinic a call and they’ll fix your flappers! Seriously where do these fucking people come from?

DG

Another Weekly Question

Published on May 15, 2009 in Doug's Friday Question. 5 Comments

Alright it’s time for another one of my weekly meaningless questions. Now tell me, if you all had a hemorrhoid on your ass would you be too embarrassed to go have a doctor crawl around in your booty hole and treat it on your own OR would you be perfectly comfortable with going to the doctor and letting some stranger examine your anus with his big hairy finger?

DG

The Real Housewives Of Who Gives A Fuck

Published on May 14, 2009 in Daily Bitching. 3 Comments

Have any of you all ever seen one of these “Real Housewives” of some fucking county on TV recently? You know the shows where they follow around all these rich bitch ladies who have absolutely no skills whatsoever other than the fact that they fucked some wealthy guy and that’s how they got all their money. Yea I’m talking about those shows where no matter what county or state they’re in all the fucking women act the same. They walk around like their shit doesn’t stink, sit and drink expensive shit on camera to impress people, go out and piss away money on stupid crap and they ALL talk trash about the rest of the housewives behind each other’s backs. Oh yes it’s just a lovely idea that some asshole created.

My wife loves watching this stupid fucking excuse for a TV series and I totally cannot stand it. You’ve got your Real Housewives of Orange County, New York, New Jersey the list goes on. The people change but the plot doesn’t and the bottom line is that they’re all stuck up fucking bitches who all happen to have been lucky enough to land a rich guy, period. It’s like I can’t believe other people actually enjoy watching this crap AND these fucking bitch ladies, or housewives whatever you want to call them, get paid for this stupid shit.

Where did the concept of watching rich arrogant whores act like children on television come from in the first place? This series must have been started by other wealthy cunts who had nothing to do and one day said to each other, “You know what? I think we should make a show where we can watch what other housewives are doing in their counties all day while the normal people are out working. Wouldn’t that be like so fucking totally awesome?” That had to be how this stupid shit came about because I can’t see anyone with actual talent having something to do with the creation of this shitty show. I mean seriously I think it would be better if the show was called “The Real Housewives Of Martin Luther King Boulevard” instead. Wouldn’t that make it much more interesting to watch?

DG

Drunken Monkeys

Published on May 13, 2009 in Weird Fucking News. 1 Comment

This has got to be the craziest shit I have ever seen. In the Caribbean, Vervet Monkeys have developed a taste for alcohol and can regularly be spotted stealing cocktails from humans on the beach. This video is a short documentary showing how these monkeys will do just about anything for a drink and also compares their habits to us humans. If you want to totally laugh your ass off this morning go ahead and watch the video below. Oh and if you’re ever in the Caribbean somewhere make sure you keep an eye on your margarita!

DG

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