Monthly Archive for June, 2009

Keyword Analysis

Published on June 30, 2009 in Daily Bitching. 3 Comments

Today I’m going to share my recent website keywords with you all. For those who don’t know keywords are what people search for on the internet on search engines such as Google, Yahoo or whatever to find what they are looking for on different websites. What I do is monitor the keywords to see how certain readers get to my blog and what they actually searched to get here. Well because of my explicit vocabulary with words like shit and fuck I tend to get some odd keyword searches at times so I figured why not share them with you all today, you ready?

1. 16.67% “sleepy sick fucked in hospital video” What the fuck is this?

2. 16.67% “father in law fucking their dt in law” Whoa somebody has a weird fetish or they like their son’s wife.

3. 16.67% “pitbulls fucking” Oh yea, nothing better than a little pitbull porn to get your juices flowing!

4. 16.67% “my father in law fuck me stories” What is it with this shit?

5. 16.67% “hotdog in the ass” I’ve got a good joke for this one. How do you know of you’re at a gay picnic? All the hotdogs taste like shit!

6. 16.67% “guys with tramp stamps” Well if you are out searching for this I hope you’re not a guy looking to get yourself a new tattoo.

There you have it, that’s some weird shit people are out googling I tell you what. You just can’t make this shit up. Do any of you all have some interesting keywords you’d like to share?

DG

Have you ever traded food for sex?

Published on June 29, 2009 in Weird Fucking News. 2 Comments

Here’s a great way to start off a Monday morning. The Smoking Gun is reporting of an Oklahoma woman who recently accepted a plea deal for her recent prostitution charge. But this is not your normal hooker here, no this dumb bitch blew the Frito-Lay guy for a thirty-dollar case of fucking potato chips!

“According to the below Oklahoma City Police Department report, john Faron Johnson told cops that he informed Smith that he did not have any money, but that she “agreed to give him a ‘blow job’ meaning oral sex, for a box of chips.” Johnson, a Frito-Lay employee, provided Smith with a case of chips he valued at $30.”

Wow are we in a fucking recession for real or what? Holy shit, what is the world coming to when hookers are now accepting food as a payment for sex? And it wasn’t even good food at that! What’s next are they going to start giving out payment terms for a piece of ass? “Don’t worry baby, you can pay for this pussy in 30 days or less cause I’m giving you Net30 terms”.

DG

CLICK HERE FOR THE FULL STORY

Another Fuckin Friday Question

Published on June 26, 2009 in Doug's Friday Question. 4 Comments

Oh man it’s Friday again and of course that means, paychecks, weekends, alcohol and another one of my weekly questions. You all ready?

Now that Michael Jackson is dead who is going to take his place as the weirdest fucking celebrity alive?

DG

Get out of the middle of the fucking road dummy!!!

Published on June 25, 2009 in Daily Bitching. 1 Comment

Over the past few weeks while I’ve been out driving it seems as if every time I go after the light turns green or make a turn some fucking asshole jumps right in front of me after I start to accelerate. According to Webster’s Dictionary the assholes I am referring to here are called jaywalkers. We have these people all over the streets of South Florida who believe that it’s okay to cross the street wherever and whenever the fuck they’d like. The fuckers cross when the crosswalk says not to, they run between traffic in slow motion like they’re invincible or some shit and to be quite honest I really don’t think the jaywalkers care if they get hit or not. Why? Well I think some of them do it on purpose like the other day some belligerent fuck crossed the street while I was doing about sixty and the damn guy slowed down as I approached him almost like he was challenging me to hit him. Of course I flipped him off and called him a cocksucker but I don’t think that made one bit of difference.

It’s like a growing epidemic down here with these people. They all come from other countries where they don’t even have traffic lights let alone crosswalks, or rules for that matter, and probably have no clue what the term “jaywalking” even means. I’ve witnessed the situation progressively get worse over the past few years but fuck now it’s like playing dodge ball in your car just to get to work. The worst part about all this jaywalking bullshit is that you know who’s going to get into trouble when one of these shit for brains pedestrians gets hit? Yup the fucking driver and the idiot who gets hit that was too fucking stupid to use the damn crosswalk, or even look both ways, will get a nice settlement from person’s insurance who hit them. It’s bullshit I tell you and honestly I’ve never seen one police officer stop anyone from jaywalking but I think maybe it’s time to put out a jaywalker’s taskforce before a bunch of dumb fucks get killed!

DG

What Happened To John And Kate?

Published on June 24, 2009 in Daily Bitching. 3 Comments

Okay so today I’m actually pissed off about something a little un-manly here but since most of you who read are women I guess it really doesn’t matter. I’m mad about John and Kate Gosselin from the A&E TV show John and Kate Plus Eight. Yea I said it and I may sound suspect because of this but I’m pissed and I don’t give a shit what anyone else thinks. My wife got me started with this fucking show and I became hooked like a pedophile at a playground because for some reason these people’s lives were really intriguing to me. It was nice at the beginning to see them get passed some of their struggles and become famous just from Kate having a clown car full of kids pass through her vagina. John and Kate both seemed to get along like they were best friends, even though Kate was a little bit demanding, and the show was pretty funny to watch because of all the kids. But just like anything else all good things come to an end.

At first everything was all about the kids but it seems as if when John and Kate started to get a little more money and a little more famous all hell broke lose. John got his hair fixed, Kate got her stretch marks removed and her titties done and the next thing you know they started to slowly drift apart. They then got a big slap in the face from reality when John got caught out with some uglier, and far younger, woman which ultimately landed them on every tabloid and celebrity gossip site in the world. Kate was then accused of blowing her bodyguard and the next thing you know they announced their divorce on the show this passed Monday. Yup the Gosselins have split up and in my opinion it was the fame and fortune that caused it all to happen.

Now the question I have is what about the kids? In the beginning shows John and Kate were all about spending family time with their little ones, now the show has turned into a soap opera between the two of them and pushed the kids to the side it seems. Kate is a total fucking cunt and John acts like he’s on some type of sedative all the time, oh and you hardly ever see them together. They claim that their children are their first priority but I don’t believe that shit for one second. John and Kate are a perfect example of what can happen to a couple once a little bit of money is involved and the only ones who are going to suffer are their eight children who will now be put in the middle of their parents bullshit. What the fuck happened to you John and Kate? I used to think you guys were really cool people but now I think your both selfish pieces of shit. What about the rest of you, what do you all think about the John and Kate situation?

DG

Fan Mail Friday On Tuesday

Published on June 23, 2009 in Fan Mail Friday. 11 Comments

Most of you people who have been reading for a while may remember that I used to have a section here called “Fan Mail Friday” where I would answer back any hate mail I might have gotten. Well I haven’t had any haters in a while so there hasn’t been too many Fan Mail Fridays, until I got a nice email from some dumb bitch the other day. Yes over the weekend I got a hater and today I only felt it right to answer this fucker back the way I used to do it. So here you go, another rendition of Fan Mail Friday only this time I’m doing it on a Tuesday.

Blog: Gripes
Post: I Hate Pitbulls!!!
Author: Meghan (IP: 98.214.212.171, c-98-214-212-171.hsd1.il.comcast.net)
Email: calicocat57@sbcglobal.net
Comment: http://douggoff.com/blogs/index.php?blog=5&p=479&more=1&c=1&tb=1&pb=1#c1749
It’s so funny to me how ignorant you are. Lock their jaws. They are dogs not alligators. I have three “pit bulls” and mine are therapy dogs. Your ignorant if you think they are scary. The 60-80 year olds my dogs vist don’t think so.I wouldn’t be anymore scared if a German Shepard came running at me and not a pitbull. They are all dogs and no dogs jaw locks. You really need to do some research on the breed before judging.

Dear Meghan,

First off if you’re going to call someone ignorant I suggest you learn how to read and write. Now that I got that out of the way let me start this conversation right by telling you that you are a fucking bitch. Why? Because I said so! I will however admit that I am wrong about pitbulls “locking” their jaws, I guess I fucked up with my description. But when a dog can apply close to 400 pounds of pressure when biting and also refuses to let go to the point where they get shot I would say that is pretty similar to “locking” their jaws. See I know just a little bit for an ignorant fuck don’t I?

Anyway I did some other research and I noticed that you got to my blog by specifically googling “I hate pitbulls” when you clearly don’t. Obviously you were looking to start shit with someone because you were searching for people who don’t like your preference of dog, well you came to the right place. Now just because I don’t happen to like pitbulls doesn’t give you the right to chastise me in my own house, ie my blog. I simply stated that I hate pitbulls but that is my own opinion and I am entitled to that. I didn’t go searching for people who like the fucking things and start calling them ignorant because of their opinions did I? No I didn’t but you did and for that I extend you a big GO FUCK YOURSELF!

Well listen Meghan regardless of all that I honestly don’t give a rat’s ass about your three fucking nasty ass dogs and that you’re dumb enough to bring them around a bunch of senior citizens. I live in South Florida, where in most places your dogs are banned, and I have seen a pitbull attack a young child scarring him for life and almost killing him. Have you ever seen that before Meghan? Obviously not, because you wouldn’t be so defensive when someone speaks their opinion on the Goddamn things. It happens all the time here and that is why I don’t like the fuckers. So take your skanky ass somewhere else with this “pitbulls are sweethearts” bullshit, don’t come back here and I hope you have a great fucking orgy of a time with your three dogs that you love so much. Hopefully they’ll never attack and maul your dumb ass one day but judging by your piss poor attitude who would blame them? Have a nice day bitch!

DG

What the hell is wrong with some people?

Published on June 22, 2009 in Weird Fucking News. 1 Comment

So I woke up this morning, chewed my nicorette gum, had my coffee and ended up watching this video of some crazy bastard in Arizona who stabbed his entire family while singing an Eminem song. Yes some sick demented asshole started killing his wife in her sleep and when his two small children woke up to him stabbing their mother he went after them too, killing his daughter and critically injuring his four year old son. Not only was this story sad enough but they also released the 911 tape which in my opinion was a little freaky. In the 911 tape the man seemed so calm after stabbing everyone in his house that it was as if doing so was no big deal to him. These types of stories always bug the shit out of me because I can’t seem to fathom why someone would kill not only their significant others but also their poor innocent little children. I mean what the fuck is wrong with people sometimes? Why can’t you sick demented psycho fucks kill yourselves instead of everyone else around you? And why does the news always release shit like this with so much detail in it? Sorry for posting this story today but to be quite honest I think the news should refrain from putting out crazy 911 calls such as this one. And since it freaked me the fuck out I figured why not ruin the rest of your days too.

DG

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Another Fuckin Friday Question

Published on June 20, 2009 in Doug's Friday Question. 6 Comments

What do you do if you’re taking a shit at work and after your done crapping your ass out you suddenly realize that “oh shit” there’s not any toilet paper left? Do you call a coworker from your cell phone to bring you some, or do you pull your pants up and waddle carefully to where the TP is conveniently stashed on the other side of the building away from any bathrooms?

Happy fuckin Friday!

DG

It was only a damn fly PETA, calm the fuck down!

Published on June 18, 2009 in Daily Bitching. 5 Comments

So yesterday afternoon President Obama gave his speech about the financial situation in America. During the speech a fly landed on the president and Obama smacked the thing ultimately killing it. Well as I was watching the news shortly after the president’s speech ABC news was reporting that the fucking assholes over at PETA were pissed off because of the fly swat and crying cruelty to animals. Can you believe that shit? President Obama is on national television talking about our financial crisis and the future of America and all you cock suckers are worried about is that he killed a fucking fly. That to me is a bit extreme and completely unnecessary! I mean the president is such a cool guy that he actually pulled a tissue from his own pocket, picked up the dead fly and threw it in the garbage on his own. Now come on if that doesn’t show he’s just a regular guy then I don’t know what will.

Tell me something PETA members, what the fuck do you people do if a fly lands in your food? Do you let it stay there and shit on your tofu sandwich or do you swat it away? Or how about this PETA fucks, what if your PETA headquarters or even your homes became infested with termites? What are you going to do then let them stay, frolic around with the termites, give them names and let them eat all what you’ve worked hard to build? Yea think about that shit for a second you weird and overdramatic fucking assholes. It was a fucking fly for Christ’s sake calm the fuck down, mind your own Goddamn business and let the president do his fucking job so the rest of us semi-normal people can start to move forward!

DG
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Everyone in the world should be pissed at this!

Published on June 17, 2009 in Daily Bitching. 3 Comments

Imagine this, you call 911 for an ambulance because you have some type of medical emergency and need to be rushed to the hospital. The paramedics come, pick you up and immediately rush your ass to the hospital as quickly as they can. But wait, on the way there a police officer pulls over the ambulance for failure to yield, pulls the paramedics out and in this instance puts the EMT in a choke hold all while you’re in the back waiting to be brought to the emergency room. Can you believe that shit? This actually happened in Oklahoma by some tight assed fucking cop who thought he was above the law AND it was all caught on camera by the son of the woman who was in the ambulance. I read this story last night and I was in shock! How in the hell can you pull over an ambulance carrying a sick person to the hospital?? That’s like one cop trying to pull over another cop, it’s utter bullshit. This asshole fucking cop is the reason why good police officers catch a bad wrap. Go ahead and watch the video below but please visit the link to read the full story over at Carlos Miller’s website, he is an advocate for the first amendment and also has a very interesting blog to read. And please tell me, aren’t you mad about this? What if it was YOU in the back of that ambulance?

DG

CLICK HERE FOR THE FULL STORY

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