Monthly Archive for August, 2009

Superglue, Vacuum Cleaners, Penises and Midgets Don’t Mix

Published on August 31, 2009 in Weird Fucking News. 5 Comments

Here’s a great way to start off your Monday, by making fun of someone else that did something stupid. This story isn’t very long but it’s pretty funny in my opinion. Meet Daniel Blackner, a midget in the UK who performs in some weird show called the ‘Circus of Horrors’ as Dan ‘The Daemon’ Dwarf. Apparently old Dan here puts on a show in his circus where he attaches a vacuum cleaner to his little pecker and drags it across the stage. Why anyone would pay to see a midget stick his dick in a tube is beyond me, but I guess the British are just fucking weird.

Anyway so Dan the 42 year-old midget was getting ready to put on his show the other night when apparently his prop, the vacuum, broke and he tried to fix it with some special glue. Well I guess Dan is not only a small guy but he also cannot read because he let the glue dry for 20 seconds instead of 20 minutes, what do you think happened next? Oh yea you guessed it, Dan’s little wee wee got caught in the vacuum cleaner and he had to be rushed to the hospital to have it removed.

“Mr Blackner said: “It was the most embarrassing moment of my life when I got wheeled into a packed A&E with a vacuum attached to me.”

“I just wished the ground could swallow me up. Luckily, they saw me quickly so the embarrassment was short lived.”

Short lived? Was that supposed to be a joke? Seriously I think this guy should stop sticking his dick where it doesn’t belong and maybe he wont end up in the ER again. Still to me the funniest part about all this is that the UK news site I got this story from, Daily Mail, put a picture of little Dan on stage performing his “vacuum trick”. Take a look below and tell me seriously, would you ever pay to see something like this in person?

DG

CLICK HERE FOR THE FULL STORY

Another Stupid Friday Question

Published on August 28, 2009 in Doug's Friday Question. 3 Comments

Fuck yea it’s Friday bitches! That means paychecks, weekends, alcohol and of course my idiotic Friday question. This week I have something to ask that you may want to answer anonymously. I’m not trying to get anyone into trouble here, but I am trying see if any of you have done this before. Ready? Tell me, have any of you all out there ever knowingly bought something “hot” or stolen because it was a good deal?

DG

There’s Nothing More Embarrassing Than An Itchy Asshole!

Published on August 27, 2009 in Daily Bitching. 6 Comments

I know that I am going to catch some slack for this post today, but still it’s pretty funny. So yesterday I woke up with a little issue I call IAHS, also known as “Itchy Asshole Syndrome”. If you can’t figure out what that means then I will break it down for you, my ass was itching like a motherfucker all day long! Why am I telling you all this? Well because the fact that I walked around all day scratching my asshole is probably amusing to everyone but me. I can’t seem to explain why stuff like this happens out of the blue but for some reason it just does.

Anyway so I couldn’t figure out why my ass was so itchy all day. I went into the bathroom several times to make sure it was clean, trust me it was, but still it continued to itch. All I could do throughout the day was scratch it for a little bit of relief in hopes that it would simply go away. Now I really didn’t want other people to see me with my hand up my ass so I had to try and scratch when nobody was looking. Unfortunately for me I got caught by my secretary while I was sitting at my desk, with one cheek propped to the left and of course my hand up my ass scratching it profusely. Not the best way to say good morning to someone.

Yes go ahead and laugh, haha very funny. Luckily the itch is gone today and it must have been one of those fluke things in life where shit just happens. It is pretty embarrassing though to try and keep watch to see if anyone is looking at you while you scratch your itchy asshole and you end up getting caught. I’m not sure if I was more embarrassed for myself or for her, as we both kind of gave each other that uncomfortable look. It was pretty shitty to get caught like that and honestly I still don’t know why I am sharing this with you all. I guess I just didn’t have anything else to say today so this is what you get. Hopefully the next time this happens I will learn how to conceal my scratching a little better.

DG

I’m Addicted To My iPhone!

Published on August 26, 2009 in Daily Bitching. 7 Comments

I’ve always been a big “Mac whore” and I pretty much buy just about everything Apple puts out. Not just because I am a fan boy, but also because Apple’s shit just works and I love the innovation put into all of their products. About a year ago I got my first iPhone and I have been in love ever since. I can wakeup in the morning, take a shit and read my morning news without the embarrassment of bringing my laptop into the bathroom. I can check my email no matter where I am at in the world. I can practice playing Wheel of Fortune while waiting in line at the grocery store in hopes I that I can one day be on the show. If I have a server problem at work and I’m not there I can login remotely from my iPhone and fix whatever the hell is broken. If I’m on vacation I check my stocks while sipping margaritas on the beach somewhere. Oh yea I can pretty much do anything I want with the iPhone, there’s millions of applications and the possibilities are almost endless.

But with all that being said it leaves me with yet another fucking addiction, as I can’t seem to put the damn iPhone down. I love this thing and I feel like I am lost without it. I’m constantly staring at my screen checking my email, seeing what’s happening in the world on the news sites or playing with some stupid new application I just picked up. I put the fucking phone down and not five minutes later I pick it back up to check if maybe there was something I missed. It’s like ever since I’ve gotten this thing I have turned into a complete fucking iPhone junkie. I am so dependent on a little piece of electronics that it’s not even funny. I don’t think anyone out there is offering iPhone anonymous so I guess I’m shit out of luck with trying to break the habit. But I guess in the long run being addicted to a phone is a lot better than being a crack addict in my opinion. Hopefully one day I’ll get tired of being so in touch with the world that maybe I will go back to using a regular old cell phone, probably not though! So how about the rest of you, any of you all out there addicted to a piece of electronics?

DG

PS: This was written from Doug Goff’s iPhone!

Be Careful The Next Time You Shit In Public!

Published on August 25, 2009 in Weird Fucking News. 4 Comments

Imagine this, you go out to the mall on a Saturday to piss away some of your hard earned money. All of a sudden you feel your stomach bubbling so you head the mall’s restroom to take a shit. After dropping your load you then go to lift your leg so that you can wipe your ass and what the fuck happens next? You then realize “oh shit” I’m fucking stuck to the damn toilet seat and cannot get up! Well that’s what happened over the weekend to a 70 year old man in the country of Cairns, which is a commonwealth of Australia.

“I think it’s probably a prank but it’s a pretty sick sort of a joke,” Supt Carter said. “The humiliation of sitting on a toilet while emergency services are working around you trying to free you … I just feel for the man. “Then to have to be wheeled out of the shopping centre with the toilet frame still attached to your body is just dreadful.”

Apparently some pranksters spread fast drying glue all over the toilet seats before the man went in to relieve himself. After realizing that he was stuck to the toilet and could not get up he had to call fire rescue to get him free. As if it’s not bad enough to have to use a public restroom when you need to shit, this guy had to be escorted from that nasty bathroom with the damn toilet seat stuck to his ass. I bet you next time he uses those semi-sanitary toilet covers before squatting to drop a load! I guess whoever pulled this little prank got away with it and whatever kind of glue they used is really strong shit, literally. Some people out there are just really fucking mean aren’t they?

DG

CLICK HERE FOR THE FULL STORY

Stay off of my fucking grass!!!!!

Published on August 24, 2009 in Daily Bitching. 4 Comments

So those of you out there who know me are well aware that I am very fucking meticulous about my lawn. I take great pride in having a nice yard, so much that I refuse to let anyone else cut it because they just don’t do it my way. And if you’re looking for me on a Sunday morning chances are I’m outside making sure my grass looks better than anyone else’s on the block. That’s just how I fucking roll!

But recently I’ve been having a problem with assholes who just cannot seem to take a corner properly. I live on the corner house and these idiot drivers feel the need to turn all up in my Goddamn grass when coming off of the main street. These fucks just think they can do whatever the hell they want and when they cannot seem to stay on the damn road when they turn I end up with a nasty muddy ditch out front.

So what did I do to prevent this? I put these big ass triangle shaped concrete yard cones around the swale so that when the dick heads turn it shakes the shit out of their cars. You would think that by putting those cones there these tards would no longer turn in my grass right? Fuck no! Now the son of a bitches run the cones over and drag them through the yard breaking them and causing an even bigger fucking mess. It’s getting a bit ridiculous!

Seriously I am so sick of constantly fixing my yard because of you dumb ass people who do not know how to drive. It’s not that fucking hard to complete a proper turn without ruining my damn grass. I honestly think these assholes are doing this on purpose just to piss me off. But I’ve got a fix for you! That’s right next weekend I am going to mold my own ‘special’ yard stones specifically for you fucks that keep running over my grass. Yup I am going to add some razor blades and rebar to the yard cones so that way you idiots will learn real quickly not to drive on my shit. You all wanna fuck with me then I’m going to fuck with you!

DG

Just Another Stupid Question

Published on August 21, 2009 in Doug's Friday Question. 5 Comments

Okay so this week I promise not to ask anything gross, I’m just curious. This week’s questions is really simple and also one that I myself have been contemplating in my head for quite some time. You all ready? Let’s say that you won a million plus dollars by playing your state’s lottery, would you go back and tip the cashier person who sold you the ticket?

DG

Sometimes Bloggers Suck!

Published on August 20, 2009 in Daily Bitching. 5 Comments

I’ve been blogging now for almost two years straight. I try my hardest to post something here every day and even if I don’t have something relative to say I still put something stupid up just to keep shit moving. In my two years of being an offensive blogger I have met some really cool readers whose blogs I read in return. Now the problem that I have is that after reading these said blogs you start to get to know these people and look forward to what they have to say each day, then all of a sudden they seem to disappear. One week will go by, then two or three weeks and you soon realize that these people have simply just stopped posting things for whatever fucking reason. You all are fucking things up for the rest of us by pulling this crap all the time. Either you’re a blogger or not, make up your Goddamn minds!

It’s annoying as all hell to me because like I said you get to know these people on a personal level, they comment on your blog, you comment on theirs and then the next thing you know they’re gone. I hate that shit! If you fuckers are never going to write anything on your sites again at least have the decency to tell your readers or write a final post. Do you bastards think that the rest of us have nothing better to do than to stare at our RSS readers all day waiting for you to post something new? Yea I’m talking to all of you asshole bloggers who got us readers hooked on your sites and then vanished off the face of the earth. Stop being ignorant pussies and let the rest of us know that you’re too fucking lazy to write again so that we can give up on trying to visit your crappy blogs!

DG

Another Keyword Analysis

Published on August 19, 2009 in Daily Bitching. 4 Comments

Well since I really don’t have anything better to bitch about today I’m going to list my recent keyword searches again. In case you’re not sure what keywords do they are basically words that people put into search engines such as Google, Bing or Yahoo when they are looking for something in particular on the internet. What I do is monitor these keywords to see how readers actually find their way to my site, you can click here for the last one I did. Some of the keywords are really funny, others are kind of disgusting and the rest are just plain old stupid. Let’s take a look here to see what all you nasty fuckers have been doing out there on the internet recently.

1 – 28.08% – “tramp stamps” – Obviously this my number one keyword search of all times. I’ve gotten over 3,000 hits from the tramp stamp post!

2 – 15.89% – “jonathan bleiweiss” – Remember him? He was the ‘crazy cracker’ tattoo kid who also had a tattoo of Florida on his face.

3 – 14.38% – “woman taking a shit” – Ah yes nothing like watching waste ooze out of someone’s asshole, yummy!

4 – 10.25% – “dentures and felacio” – Okay? Um I’m not sure how this one came about but it is kind of funny. I guess having someone gum you when they suck your dick is better than having someone shit on you.

5 – 8.02% – “doggie love dolls” – Oh I almost forgot about that thing. I’m on the waiting list now for their next shipment.

6 – 5.10% – “fucking my father in law” – I don’t know how or why this one keeps showing up but obviously someone out there has the hots for their husband’s dad!

7 – 3.13% – “lower back tattoos for women” – Eh this one sucks. There is nothing funny about it.

8 – 3.13% – “kill a cop one day teo” – Yea the guy who got two years in jail for his rap song. I bet he’s not singing “kill a cop one day” while he’s in the fucking slammer!

9 – 3.13% – “my president is black my lambo is blue” – The most retarded song ever written in my opinion.

10 – 3.13% - “operation repo it happens to everyone” – The most retarded TV show ever aired in my opinion.

11 – 3.13% - “trashy women” – Nothing wrong with this one!

12 – 3.13% – “pranknet, twitter” – I still cannot believe they haven’t caught these guys yet!

13 – 3.13% – “hollywood florida police corruption” – I have no comment on this one.

14 – 3.13% – “the more you know the more you” – Where the fuck did this come from? What the hell does that even mean?

Well that about sums it up for today! Some of you out there in internet land are really fucking weird I tell you. But I guess being able to sit in the privacy of your own home and look at weird shit on the net is a good thing. At least it keeps all you crazy bastards in your houses looking for women taking shits rather than sneaking into public restrooms. And if you weirdos weren’t looking for all this oddball shit then I wouldn’t have anything to write about today. What about the rest of you guys, got any interesting keywords to share?

DG

“Are you workin baby?”

Published on August 18, 2009 in Only In Hollywood. 7 Comments

A while back I wrote about how I had the guy outside cleaning my cars when a fat hooker approached him asking if he “was horny” and looking for a good time. If you missed that one you can click here to read all about it. Well just the other day I was outside cutting the grass when I noticed a skinny whorish looking girl walking down the street while twirling a baton, she looked extremely out of place. The next thing I know a Comcast cable truck stops at the corner and the guy sticks his head out of the window asking the chick if “she was working?” Obviously a few words were exchanged, the hooker jumped into the Comcast van and off they went to fuck or whatever he paid her for.

No I am not kidding here this really did happen! I’ve seen this same nasty bitch walking the streets of Hollywood, twirling her baton and obviously searching for some more business. It’s a damn shame too because she looks extremely young but still she is selling herself for money in front of my fucking house, and I’m kind of pissed off about it. This area is turning into worse of a shit-hole ghetto than it has ever been and nasty whores like this one are not improving the situation. I’m getting to the point where I really do not want to even go outside anymore because of the drug dealers, wanna be thug gangbangers and now prostitutes hovering the area here. It’s really fucked up!

So this leaves me to the question of “what do I do?” I can’t just sit here and let this shit happen right in front of my own home anymore. I get so pissed off when I look out front and see some nasty whore selling her crack for crack or a drug dealer jumping into someone’s car to deal them some shit. It’s not like the Hollywood cops aren’t all over the fucking place trying to control this crap from happening because they are. It just seems like the criminals outnumber them or every time they put one in jail five more pop up. Seriously I think this city is going to shit faster than anyone can stop to try and control it. I think maybe I might want to move to a black neighborhood where it’s safe!

DG