Monthly Archive for October, 2009

You Can’t Be That Fucking Stupid

Published on October 30, 2009 in Dumb-Ass Of The Week and Weird Fucking News. 3 Comments

Day 27 without alcohol!

Just when you think you’ve seen it all two dumb asses come along and prove that there’s even stupider people still out there. Meet Matthew McNelley and Joey Miller, two of the most retarded fucking criminals to ever walk this earth. These guys decided they were going to break into an apartment in Iowa the other day and thought they had great plan for their disguises. Instead of going down to the Walmart and stealing a couple ski masks to hide their faces these idiots decided they were going to conceal their identity by, you ready for this, covering their faces with permanent marker! Yes these geniuses painted their faces with a Sharpie marker before attempting to perform an old B and E. Obviously someone saw them attempting to break in to that said apartment and ‘called the law’ on the fucks. They were caught a few miles down the road, as I’m sure it wasn’t too hard to find a couple of guys in Iowa with marker all over their mugs.

Can you imagine what their conversation was like when they both were trying to come up with a foolproof plan to carry out their robbery? I can see these idiots sitting in their mom’s basement huffing paint and saying to each other, “You know we gotta pull this break-in off without anyone seeing us. We’re going to need some good disguises. Maybe we should go into your mom’s room and use some of her stockings? Or how about we use your little brother’s old Halloween masks? No wait I got it, let’s go to Office Depot, steal some Sharpie markers and paint our faces with them. Hell nobody will recognize us then, even if we are using the same car you drive to work in every day in a town of 200 people.”

Seriously if the photo below is not enough for the rest of you to realize that there are some strange fucking people in this world I don’t know what is. These two guys are the prime example as to why we need a better education system in America. Never in my life would I imagine that two people could be this fucking stupid. The cops should use their mug shot as an example for younger kids showing them they should all stay in school or end up like these two douche bags. This is one of those stories that makes us all say, “they deserved to get caught!”

DG

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Go Doug, It’s Your Birthday, It’s Your Birthday, It’s Your Birthday, It’s Your Birthday!

Published on October 29, 2009 in Daily Bitching. 3 Comments

Day 26 without alcohol!

So today is my birthday, big fucking deal right? Yup I am 29 years old today! I don’t feel 29 and it’s hard to imagine that I’ve made it this far in life. I wasn’t really looking forward to my birthday this year being that it’s the last of my 20’s, which means next year I’m going to be 30, but for some reason I feel really good this morning. I think maybe it’s because in my 29 years on this earth I have accomplished a lot and now that I’m looking back on everything I’ve done so far in life honestly I wouldn’t change a fucking thing. I’ve overcome a lot of bullshit that was handed my way all this time and I really believe I have done the best with the cards life has dealt me. I’ve got a lot more coming my way I’m sure but for right now I’m content with the way things have gone so far. I’m not disappointed in myself nor do I believe that I’ve missed out on anything.

I think we all stop each year around our birthdays and take a look back at life thinking, “how the fuck did I get this old, and where the hell did all the time go?” We get so caught up in our day-to-day routines that somehow we lose track of time, and it seems as if our birthdays are our yearly reminder telling us “hey motherfucker, time flies doesn’t it?” But when you take the time to stop and think about everything for a moment you realize something, time really didn’t go by that fast. It may seem that it went too fast but for me when I recap on all the things I have done in life it brings me to believe that time doesn’t really matter. It’s what you make of the time you have here that matters!

So I’m going to take this last year in my 20’s and make it a great one! I’m not gonna let the big three-O scare me next year and I’m going to try my Goddamn hardest to keep on improving myself. That is what I have done all along and it’s been working great for me so far. Today is not only my birthday but also the next step in my journey of life to push to be the good person I have been trying so hard to be all this time. I feel good about being an old fuck today I really do. And if you’re too stupid to understand where I am coming from here then go ahead and fuck yourself!

DG

Oh and if you don’t understand the heading of this post I suggest you get caught up with the rest of us and watch the video below!
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I guess this is what they call ‘blogger’s block’?

Published on October 28, 2009 in Daily Bitching. 3 Comments

Day 25 without alcohol!

Believe it or not I really do not have a fucking thing to say today. Usually this doesn’t happen to me but for some reason I think I have a form of writer’s block this morning. There are several things that I had in mind to bitch about today but I just cannot seem to get any of them out. I’ve been sitting here for an hour now trying to come up with some pointless story to share with everyone but it’s just not working out to my benefit here. This is the first time this has happened to me and to be honest it feels kind of weird. I’m stuck in some type of mode here where no matter what I think of to write about it all sounds fucking stupid. This sucks and I don’t know why this shit is happening to me. Maybe the lack of alcohol has turned me into too calm of a person? Maybe I’m just not in the mood today? Or maybe I’m just not mad about anything? Whatever the reason is it really blows and I have to apologize for not being myself today. I promise I’ll have something better to say tomorrow, hopefully.

DG

Just In Time For Halloween, The Weirdest Craigslist Ad Ever!

Published on October 27, 2009 in Dumb-Ass Of The Week. 2 Comments

Alright so as most of you may know this coming Saturday is Halloween. And what would Halloween be without a bunch of weird fucks dressing up as even weirder fucks on this glorious holiday? Well I believe I have found one of the weirdest trick or treaters in all of America people. This douche who wrote the Craigslist ad below has got to be the biggest dumbass in the history of all dumbasses. Put it this way, the heading for this asshole’s Craigslist posting says it all, “Need amputee to complete my Halloween costume (Brooklyn)”. Yes you read that correctly! This dipshit is looking for a cripple person with no legs, preferably at the hip, so that he can use the amputee for his fucking dork Halloween costume. Some people are just cut from a different cloth I tell you. Anyway so what I would like you all to do today is to click on the image below to make it bigger, read it and then tell me what you think is wrong this guy. Is this not the weirdest and stupidest fucking Craigslist ad you have ever seen?

DG

CLICK THE IMAGE TO ENLARGE

“I’m about to have a baby, hey nice tits!”

Published on October 22, 2009 in Dumb-Ass Of The Week and Weird Fucking News. 4 Comments

Day 19 without alcohol!

Okay so the other day I was reading this story and only felt it necessary that I share it with you all today. It’s about a father in Utah who’s wife was in labor at the hospital about to give birth to their child. As one of the nurses was wheeling this guy’s wife into the delivery room the dick head started hitting on her. The guy, Adam Manning, first told the nurse she was attractive, then grabbed her boobs and then got his ass thrown in jail charged with sexual assault. Nice huh? You would think that maybe old Adam here would have a little more common sense to not grab some nurse’s titties right in front of his pregnant wife, or at all for that matter. The funny part is that when the nurse brought the boob grabbing thing to Manning’s wife’s attention she responded with a “Oh he’s just drunk” reply like it was no big fucking deal. His wife must be used to him being fucked up all the time. I guess this just goes to show you that we all do dumb shit while we’re intoxicated. I’d say I can understand but never have I forcefully fondled a woman while I was drunk, at least not that I remember.

DG

“Sir, do you happen to have an extra cigarette I can borrow?”

Published on October 21, 2009 in Daily Bitching. 4 Comments

Day 18 without alcohol!

Okay so as most of you know I am definitely not perfect at all. I have my flaws, and I have a lot of them. Smoking cigarettes is one of the main issues I have that to me is actually more unhealthy than drinking. Yes I smoke and no I am not proud of it. Now as most of you know in an effort to get the public to stop smoking the fucking government keeps raising the price on cigarette tax. That’s right it cost an average of seven dollars a pack to purchase cigarettes, and if you do the math that works out to be 35 cents per each smoke. It costs a lot of money to kill yourself doesn’t it?

Now that’s all fine and dandy, if I want to pay a shit load of money to speed up my death that is my choice. The problem that I have here is that because cigarettes are so expensive a lot of regular smokers can no longer afford to purchase their smokes. What do they do then, quit? Fuck no they don’t quit the bastards go around and try to bum cigarettes from as many other smokers as they can. The famous words of a cigarette bum, “Hey you wouldn’t happen to have an extra cigarette I could borrow would you?” Um excuse me motherfucker don’t you know these fucking things cost an arm and a leg? Hell no I don’t have any ‘extra’ cigarettes you can borrow dumb ass! What are you going to do borrow it and then return it when you’re done? Get the fuck outta here!

It’s like no matter who the cigarette bum is they all ask about the ‘extra’ cigarette, I just don’t get it. That’s like me going up to someone and asking them if they have an extra gallon of gas I can borrow, it just doesn’t make any fucking sense. Who has any ‘extra’ anything for that matter? I certainly don’t have any extra smokes, extra money or extra time to give to anyone. If I had anything extra at all I would probably keep it for myself and therefore it would not be extra. You dipshits need to stop with bumming cigarettes, spare change or whatever the hell else you think the rest of us have ‘extra’ to pass around and get a fucking job so you can buy your own shit. And if you’re too stupid to understand where I am coming from here then go ahead and fuck yourself!

DG

Fuck The Ballon Boy Dad!

Published on October 19, 2009 in Daily Bitching. 4 Comments

16 Days without alcohol!

Okay so unless you have been living in a fucking box somewhere without electricity you may have heard of the balloon boy story the other day. You know the one where the six year-old Colorado boy supposedly got caught in his father’s makeshift hot air balloon but was later found to be hiding in the attic? Well it was proven over the weekend that the whole thing was a hoax brought on by the boy’s father and now charges are being filed against the stupid bastard for making the whole thing up. Because this asshole of a dad decided he wanted to be a little attention whore hundreds of thousands of dollars were spent trying to save his son who was never in any danger at all.

It really makes me sick when I see things like this happen. I have no idea why this kid’s dad decided to pull this little prank he did but it really makes him out to look like a total failure of a father. How are you going to try and fool the entire country like that and not think you’re going to get caught? How can you make up a stupid ass story like this and expect your six year-old to be able to keep the secret? Don’t you know that little kids are the worst at blabbing out shit that they shouldn’t say?

This shitty father aught to be fined for every fucking dollar that was spent to try and rescue his son. Then he should go to jail for defrauding the entire country into feeling sorry for that little boy. And after all that is said and done his wife should leave the stupid fuck because he is a piece of shit father for putting his children in a position to lie so that he can have his fifteen minutes of fame on television. What he did was not only morally wrong but also set a shitty example for his kids showing them that lying is okay as long as you get to be on Larry King afterwards. Fuck this guy and his stupid ass story, I hope he goes to jail and gets ass raped several times by a huge black man to the point where he can no longer walk! And if you’re too stupid to understand where I am coming from here then go ahead and fuck yourself!

DG

Another Stupid Friday Question

Published on October 16, 2009 in Doug's Friday Question. 4 Comments

Day 13 without alcohol!

Okay so I haven’t done one of these in a while and I figured why not ask you all some stupid meaningless question today. This week’s question is very simple but also reflects one’s character as a person. When you order takeout food or eat somewhere where there is not a waiter/waitress do you tip the cashier?

DG

The Broward County Courthouse Is Unsanitary!

Published on October 15, 2009 in Daily Bitching. 3 Comments

Day 12 without any alcohol!!

Okay so as most of you know I was at jury duty yesterday. I spent the entire fucking day there, got picked to be picked out of thirty people for a jury trial only to be let go at the end of the day. Honestly it wasn’t that bad sitting there staring at the wall all Goddamn day except for one major thing that pissed me off. What made me really mad was that I had to take a majorly big shit while I was waiting to be picked. One of those shits where you just know it’s going to be a big one but because of the situation you’re in you are forced to hold it in. After sitting there for about four hours clenching my ass cheeks together our lunch break finally came so I headed off to the restroom to relieve myself.

Once I got to the bathroom in the Broward County Courthouse I realized something important was missing, the paper toilet seat covers. That’s right one of the biggest courthouses in the fucking country and they didn’t even have the proper sanitary device to keep my asshole safe from toilet diseases. I had to first get a bunch of soap and paper towels to try and disinfect the toilet seat. Then I had to use almost a whole roll of toilet paper to cover the fucking seat so I could sit down, all while holding back one of the biggest craps I have ever taken. It was horrible to have to go through all that just to take a dump in a public restroom.

You would think that because Florida has the biggest number of swine flu cases in the country that maybe the courthouse would take the necessary precautions to prevent the spread of the disease. Fuck no, they didn’t have anything even remotely sanitary in a building that so many people come in and out of each day. I was so pissed off that I had to go through a fucking marathon just to take a shit that I am now writing the clerk of the courts a letter asking them why their courthouse is so under-stocked with the proper things that people require to stay clean and disease free. Hopefully I didn’t catch the swine flu, or herpes for that matter, just because I cannot hold my bowel movements in all day. You aught to be ashamed of yourselves Broward County for having such a lack of public safety in your courthouse!

DG

My Duty As An American

Published on October 14, 2009 in Daily Bitching. 2 Comments

It’s 6AM in the morning and I’m up getting my ass ready for jury duty. Sorry but I’m not in the fucking mood to write anything today due to the fact that it’s so Goddamn early. I’m going to do my duty as an American and hopefully they will either let me go home or pick me for a jury on an interesting trial. I promise once I get out of there I will post something better today, as I am sure something at the courthouse will piss me off. Have a happy fucking Wednesday people!

DG