Monthly Archive for November, 2009

Kick A Ginger Day and Kick A Jew Day, All In The Same Week

Published on November 25, 2009 in Weird Fucking News. 3 Comments

Okay so I’ve got two stories for you all today. The first is from Canada where 24 elementary school kids were suspended for participating in ‘Kick a Ginger Day’. For those of you who don’t know gingers, or reds as some of us call them, are basically freckled, red-headed and red skinned people who have no soul according to the makers of South Park. And if you still don’t know what a ginger is then think of Ron Howard, he’s a ginger. There you got it now? So anyway all these kids in Canada got into a bit of trouble for mimicking an episode they saw on South Park where Cartman made fun of all the gingers. Apparently elementary school kids in Canada are unable to tell the difference between real life and South Park. Sure we all hate gingers, and none of us would ever want to have one for a kid, but that doesn’t mean we’re allowed to kick them. Don’t these kids know that we’re supposed to make fun of gingers behind their backs without them knowing? Goddamn it where the hell are these kid’s parents at to teach them right from wrong?

Click here for the Kick a Ginger Day Story!

Now my second story happened just days later up in Naples Florida, this time at a middle school. Ten kids at North Naples Middle have also been suspended for participating in ‘Kick a Jew Day’. Now this one I just don’t get. Why would you want to pick on the Jews? Don’t these kids know that one day those Jews they kicked will probably be defending them as lawyers or getting the IRS off their ass by hiding their money when doing their taxes? Don’t these kid’s parents teach them anything? Pick on the Arabs, pick on the blacks, rednecks, gingers, retards, latinos or even the gay people but for Christ’s sake leave the fucking Jews alone! I just don’t know what’s with these kids today, I really don’t. If only the younger generation today would realize that we’re only supposed to pick on people who probably will never be able to help us when we get older things would be a lot better.

Click here for the Kick a Jew Day Story!

Seriously though all jokes aside here these kid need to stop with all this segregated hating bullshit and simply do what I do, just hate everyone it’s easier! Ironically both ‘Kick a Ginger Day’ AND ‘Kick a Jew Day’ took place during the national ‘Bullying Awareness Week’ where schools are supposed to teach children that it’s not okay to pick on others. Isn’t that some shit?

DG

Let’s Play The “Who Do You Think Is Wrong” Game.

Published on November 24, 2009 in Daily Bitching. 4 Comments

Sunday there was a video released showing a San Francisco transit policeman forcefully removing a drunken man from one of their trains. This video clearly shows that the belligerent man was causing a scene on the train and needed to be taken off. Well as the officer was escorting this man off that train he pushed old drunky into a glass window and broke it while trying to handcuff him. Something that to me was clearly unintentional on the cop’s part, but to everyone else in the country is being labeled as police brutality. Yes people are making a big stink over all this and complaining that the policeman used ‘excessive force’.

Now come on people let’s be a little bit realistic here. Say it was YOU on that train sitting there waiting to get home after a hard day’s work and all of a sudden some drunken asshole jumps on the train starting to yell out racial slurs and a bunch of fucking curse words at you. Would you be happy? Fuck no you would do what the other poor bastards on that train did and yell for the cops to help. You can clearly see from this video that the drunk guy was being a total dick and to me he got what he deserved. The policeman was doing what he gets paid for, to serve and PROTECT the people on that train.

Sometimes you people really piss me off with all this police brutality shit. Sure there are plenty of corrupt cops out there, who I can’t stand by the way, but when someone is endangering other people they should be brought into custody as quickly as possible. Sure some of you can say, “Well the cop didn’t even try to reason with the guy first!” Fuck that the guy was drunk and acting an ass on the train scaring people. And I know first hand that you cannot reason with a drunk person so I don’t see where this policeman did anything wrong. Stop being so uptight people and let the fucking cops do their jobs. Don’t get pissed when the police arrest bad guys, get pissed when they steal money or sell drugs.

Do you believe this policeman used excessive force or was he simply just doing his job?

DG

CLICK HERE FOR THE FULL STORY
[video:youtube:TKhnKoQAfXA]

Fuck You Seagate!

Published on November 23, 2009 in Daily Bitching. 7 Comments

So me being the total fucking computer geek that I am, I always keep all of my personal data on an external hard drive. Data such as 24 thousand of my family pictures, close to 50 thousand MP3 music files, hundreds of Mac and Windows based programs that I have collected over the years and also ALL of my saved documents. We’re basically talking about almost 500 gigabytes of information that I’ve been saving since God knows when and it’s pretty much my entire life on that drive.

Well the other day I went to plug in that said hard drive and to my fucking surprise some of my folders were missing and the drive was corrupted. No big deal I figured because I’ve got all of my information backed up on another drive just in case shit like this happens. So I go to retrieve my backup data, on a brand new hard drive that is less than four months old by the way, and to my second fucking surprise that drive will not turn on either. You’ve got to be fucking kidding me right? You mean to tell me that my backup to my backup has just failed?

All of my precious information that I have been collecting over the past ten eleven years has magically disappeared. I try my hardest to be subconscious enough to back my data up on a weekly basis so that shit like this will never happen. But it DID happen and now for the last five days I have been franticly trying to recover whatever lost data I can to try and salvage my life’s collection of personal media. Yes this totally sucks major ass and there is someone to blame for all this, Seagate Technology Company the makers of the second faulty hard drive.

Yes Seagate you fucking suck big donkey balls as a company. I have a hard drive that is less than four months old, that I never even turn on unless I’m doing a backup and the fucking thing failed. I did a google search on that model and it seems as if thousands of other people have had the same exact problem. All of a sudden the drive stops working, you lose all your data and you’re then fucked because old Seagate here released a shit load of faulty hard drives into the market that only last a few months. I tried my hardest to prevent this from happening, I really did, but now I am so fucked without all my information that it’s not even funny. Fuck you Seagate for making the last week of my life a living hell and I hope everyone in your company contracts herpes you sorry bastards.

DG

Another Dumb Fucking Question

Published on November 20, 2009 in Doug's Friday Question. 4 Comments

So we’ve all been to the movies before I’m sure. You buy your tickets, go inside to get some soda, popcorn, a box of snow caps and the next thing you know you’ve paid fifty fucking dollars to see some shitty Will Ferrell movie that you could ultimately see for free on pay per view a few months down the road. Now if you’re like me, someone who rarely visits the movie theater, when you do go to the movies you try to make things as cheap as possible so you sneak in your own popcorn, liquor, weed and dollar store bought candy. That’s just how I fucking roll! There’s no way in hell I’m spending nine fucking dollars for a box of Ju Ju Bees that I can buy for a buck across the street no matter how much money I have. Anyway so my question this week obviously has to do with the movies, you ready?

Have you ever been caught smuggling candy, popcorn, soda, drugs or any other substance into the movie theater when you know you weren’t supposed to? If you did get caught what happened, did you get kicked out?

DG

Need An Alibi?

Published on November 19, 2009 in Daily Bitching. 2 Comments

Have you ever tried to pull off the perfect lie but were unable to come up with an alibi? Well you can stop worrying about having to cover your ass from now on thanks to the people over at alibinetwork.com. These guys specialize in helping you create an alibi for just about anything. Want to have an affair but need your spouse to think you’re somewhere else? Alibi Network can help. Are you out of work but trying to pickup a hot piece of ass and are too embarrassed to tell her you’re unemployed? The Alibi Network can help you by creating the impression that you are actually employed somewhere. They will even provide you with fake business cards! Oh yea these guys do it all, from fake hotel reservations, discrete shopping and untraceable phone numbers all the way down to providing you with fake tickets to venues that already passed just so you can lie to someone by saying, “well I DID have tickets to that show yesterday.” This site is one of those ideas that makes us all stop and say to ourselves, “Goddamn it why in the hell didn’t I think of this?” So if you’re in need of an alibi to cover something up you can now stop worrying about it. Get your checkbooks ready, I’m sure they can even hide that for you too, because you now have a friend at the Alibi Network to help cover up all your shitty lies. Thanks Alibi Network for helping the lying scum of America become even fucking scummier. You guys are the best!

DG

www.alibinetwork.com

Hate to lick envelopes but love the taste of bacon?

Published on November 17, 2009 in Things That Make You Go Hmmmm. 5 Comments

So I woke up this morning and forgot that I had to mail a letter. With the way technology is nowadays I really don’t send too many things via snail mail but sometimes you are forced to. Anyway so as I was preparing my old school pony express letter It dawned on me, man I really wish this envelope I am licking tasted better. The next thing you know I found this awesome new product, J & D’s bacon flavored mmmmvelopes. That’s right people you can now send your regular mail the way God intended it to be, with the sweet taste of lard! Take a look at the ad from old J & D’s website here.

“Technology has given us a lot lately. The car. TV. X-rays. The refrigerator. The Internet. Heck, we even cured polio. But what have our envelopes tasted like for the last 4,000 years? Armpit, that’s what.

Really, people? If we can’t overcome this kind of minor technical challenge, it’s only a matter of time until some super-advanced race of aliens with lasers, spaceships and a delicious federal mail system comes down and colonizes the world. And nobody wants that (except for the aliens, of course).

So, after thousands of years and kajillions of horrible tasting envelopes licked, we’re happy to report that J&D’s Bacon-Flavored Mmmvelopes™ are here to save the day. No longer will envelopes taste like the underside of your car. You can enjoy the taste of delicious bacon instead.

That’s right, bacon. It’s not real bacon, mind you, so you won’t have to start storing your envelopes in the refrigerator. But it really does taste like bacon. Which is what you really wanted in the first place, isn’t it? And it only took us 4,000 years to get there. Eat that, alien invaders.”

Now isn’t that the most clever ad you’ve ever read in your fucking life? I mean shit of all the flavors you could have chosen for envelopes like mint, chocolate, strawberry or vanilla you all instead chose bacon? Um am I the only one here who finds this a little weird? Are there people out there in this world who love the taste of bacon so much that they will actually go out and buy these fucking things? These guys are claiming that all the old envelopes taste like armpits, so I guess bacon tastes better than an armpit? Not for nothing but me personally I find it a lot easier to buy the envelopes that come with the peel and stick adhesive on them. You know that way you don’t have to actually put your tongue up against anything that just came from a factory?

Sorry J & D people I know you tried hard to come up with something original, which you did, but I honestly don’t think there will be too many people rushing down to the Walmart to buy your bacon flavored envelopes. Oh wait, I forgot what country I live in! There are millions of bacon addicted fat people in America who would love to lick a 600 calorie envelope in the morning. Fuck never mind everything I just wrote, I’m investing ALL my money in bacon envelopes right now. These things are going to be bigger than the Slim Jim!

DG

Yes this is a REAL product, click here for J & D’s mmmmmmmvelope website!

“Hello 911, I have an emergency! I’m horny and out of cellphone minutes!”

Published on November 16, 2009 in Dumb-Ass Of The Week and Weird Fucking News. 2 Comments

Just when you’ve thought you heard it all another dumbass comes along and proves you wrong. Meet Mr. Joshua Basso, an extremely horny and stupid motherfucker. Old Josh here got a little excited the other day and decided he was going to call a phone sex operator to help him get off. Well I guess Josh’s cell phone was out of minutes when he placed a call to a 976 number so he decided to try and get his phone sex for free by calling 911 instead. Not only did he call the 911 operator trying to get her to talk dirty to him once, he called FIVE fucking times. And if you listen to the recorded 911 conversation below you can clearly hear Mr. Basso pleasuring himself while talking to some poor woman who was unlucky enough to get his call.

“The Florida man was arrested yesterday after allegedly placing a series of obscene 911 calls during which he asked a female operator about her breasts and whether she would have sex with him. When confronted by cops, Basso would not say whether he was masturbating while talking to the operator, as he claimed during the calls, according to a Tampa Police Department report.”

I really don’t have much to say here other than the fact that I think this guy is one of the dumbest fucking people on the entire planet. With all the free internet porn available nowadays who the hell even thinks to call a phone sex operator in the first place? I don’t know what the fuck this guy was thinking, if he was thinking at all, but he’s now the laughing stock of America and will probably never get laid after all this. I seriously wish I could send this retard a personal message. If I could it would go something like this.

Josh,

I hope by some chance you find my blog so that I can personally tell you how fucking stupid you are. The next time you want to get off do yourself a favor and buy some more cell phone minutes or let your dog lick peanut butter off your balls, whichever comes first. Please do not call the 911 operators and harass them, as I’m sure they deal with enough dip shits during the day with real emergencies. You’re an idiot Josh and I hope to God that if a real woman ever makes the mistake of having sex with you that you both use double protection because the last thing the world needs is another jackass like yourself whacking off to a 911 operator.

DG

CLICK HERE FOR THE FULL STORY
[video:youtube:SdcCMnLZ7MU]

Here’s an excerpt from one of Josh’s calls to 911.

This Week’s Question, Is This Right Or Wrong?

Published on November 13, 2009 in Doug's Friday Question. 3 Comments

This week’s question has a bit of a story behind it and I’m kind of pissed about the whole situation. Picture this, your three year-old son comes to you and alleges that your friend just molested him. Like any parent your first reaction is to protect your child so you do the obvious and kick the ever-living shit out of the person who supposedly touched your kid. The next thing you know you’re thrown in jail and charged with attempted murder. What the fuck right? Well that’s what recently happened to a South Florida man and to be honest I think the charges against him are seriously wrong.

I don’t have any children but I do have plenty of young family members whom I consider to be just as close as if they were my own. And if anyone laid a hand on one of those kids I would be the first person to open up a can of whoop ass on whoever fucked with them. That is why I believe charges against this man should be thrown out completely. He was doing what any parent would have done in a situation such as this one, protecting his young. In no way do I blame this guy for what he did and I can honestly say that if I were in his shoes I would’ve done the exact same thing!

We all need to stop being so uptight in this country all the fucking time and realize that when someone molests a child there should be no boundaries with regards to the punishment they receive. This sick son of a bitch got what he deserved and there is no telling me otherwise. We should be helping this poor guy and his child cope with the fact that the kid was wrongfully fondled by a fucking pedophile rather than throwing the guy in jail. In my opinion if you molest or harm a child your rights should be taken away and the parents of that child should be allowed to inflict any type of punishment on you they deem necessary. Of course I’m sure you all already know what my question is going to be this week but I’m gonna ask it anyway. Do you believe this father was right in what he did and should the charges against him be dropped?

DG

CLICK HERE FOR THE FULL STORY

“Cocaine Is A Helluva Drug!!”

Published on November 12, 2009 in Dumb-Ass Of The Week and Weird Fucking News. 3 Comments

Oh man so here we go again, another crackhead and another funny story. Meet Sundae Dawn Johnson, a crackhead whore from Naples Florida who recently got herself into a shit load of trouble. Old Sundae Dawn here is obviously hooked on crack cocaine and has some serious delusional problems. Last Thursday Sundae decided she was going on a little crack binge and apparently she took her drug habit to the next level. This bitch called her boyfriend claiming that she had been kidnapped telling him that her kidnapper was demanding a 200-dollar ransom for an unpaid crack fee.

“The boyfriend said Johnson told him she had been kidnapped and tied up by a black Haitian male drug dealer, was being held for $200 ransom for failing to pay a crack debt, and that the money should be given to “Toni” at River Park Apartments.

The niece and boyfriend said they went to the River Park Apartments residence where Johnson purchased drugs and asked a few Haitian males outside if they had seen a “chubby white lady with big (breasts).”

All right come on now, first off this lady is pushing 300 pounds so she’s one of the fattest crackheads I’ve ever seen. Second she’s so fucking nasty looking that if I were her boyfriend I would have paid 200 bucks just to keep the gross bitch away from me. I mean how high could she have possibly been to come up with a story like this? Doesn’t she know that no drug dealer in the world is going to kidnap a crackhead in the first place? It really baffles me that there are people like this out there in our communities wasting their lives away and bringing others down with them. This fucking bitch aught to be ashamed of herself for concocting such a ridiculous story and also for wasting police time and jail space because of her stupidity. Someone needs to teach this dumb crackwhore a lesson and either leave her stupid ass in jail or get her hooked on Jenny Craig rather than crack cocaine. Just another example for all you kiddies out there, this is what happens when you do drugs!

DG

CLICK HERE FOR THE FULL STORY

Ten Things Not To Get Caught Googling, Part III

Published on November 11, 2009 in Daily Bitching. 3 Comments

Okay so almost two years ago I had fixed someone’s computer and ended up finding some really nasty shit about this said person and what they were Googling. That particular incident prompted me to compile a list of 10 things you wouldn’t want to get caught asking Google. Believe it or not I actually got a lot of traffic because of that post and gained quite a few readers at that time. Because that post was so funny, and that I also got some great responses, I decided to do another one back in April of this year. Well the other day I went to ask the almighty google something and it hit me, why not do another 10 things not to get caught googling? So fuck it I made another crazy list, along with some responses, and decided to throw it out there. Because of the success, and haters, that I got from these “10 Things Not To Get Caught Googling” I’ve decided that I am going to create one these lists as often as I can. So here you go!

DG

Ten Things Not To Get Caught Googling, Part III

1. Why is my asshole bleeding? – Well if this is happening to you I would suggest going to a doctor rather than referring to what some other asshole on the internet has to say!

2. What is the best tool to use when smuggling drugs in my vagina? – Damn, is that why my pot tasted funny the other day?

3. Why when people have anal sex in pornos is there never any shit coming out but when I do it I make a big mess? – This can only be responded to with one logical answer, an enema before you take it up the poop shoot!

4. What’s the best way to poison someone you hate without getting caught? – My guess would be cyanide or Taco Bell, either one should do the trick!

5. If I purchase a mail order bride is there a return policy? – This is the one that prompted me to make another list. I was looking for mail order brides online for my father in-law, as he needs some type of mate. If anyone knows of a dirty old biker chick they’d like to get rid of let me know and I will hook her up with my father in-law.

6. Could the sore on my genitals possibly be herpes? – Honestly if you think you have herpes chances are you do! Lucky for you you’ll end up keeping that shit for the rest of your life, kind of like a pet parrot.

7. Is it illegal to have sex with a chicken? – An old dirty-minded southern guy I used to work with told me about how he used to fuck chickens when he was younger back on his parent’s farm. The sad part is that I know he was telling the truth!

8. Is it illegal to have sex with a warm watermelon on a hot day? – Same guy as number 7 above but different time and different story. He was a super nice guy and very open with what he was willing to share with others. I still laugh to this day every time I think about him telling those stories. God rest his soul!

9. How long does it take to get rid of a dead body using sulfuric acid? – Take your finger and dip it in some of that acid to see how long it takes, then times that by 120 and you’ll have your answer!

10. Why when I masturbate does it take longer for me to cum than if I was actually having sex? – Try using your other hand! The trick is that if you’re left handed use your right hand to whack off and vice versa. Trust me it feels like a whole different person and should make you nut faster.