Monthly Archive for December, 2009

Doug’s Top Ten “Why Didn’t I Think Of That?” List From 2009

Published on December 31, 2009 in Daily Bitching. 3 Comments

Okay so this is the last post of the year and I wanted to make it a good one. Just about every fuckin day I hit the internet looking for new things and I always find myself saying, “Why the fuck didn’t I think of that?” Now because of all the money I lost not thinking of these wonderful ideas I figured that I would compile a list of the 10 things I wished I ‘d thought of on my own. Had I been the one to come up with at least one of these ingenious ideas I probably wouldn’t be writing this right now. So here you go, my official “Why didn’t I think of that?” list for 2009.

1. www.peopleofwalmart.com – The people who created this website have got so many visitors a day that it’s not even funny. These guys are getting PAID in full trust me. They’re getting over a million unique hits a day and climbing so you can just imagine how much they are making with their site ads. Thanks People Of Walmart for giving us the chance to make fun of all the Walcreatures!

2. The TextNwalk iPhone App – With all the assholes walking around into things while texting on their cellphones this app was designed to save the day. What it does is allow you to see through your iPhone’s camera while texting. This is very helpful when you try to walk and text at the same time. Here’s a link to tell you all about it.

3. Solar Shingles – How fucking cool is that? You can re-roof your house with solar shingles and produce a shit load of power. Thanks Dow Chemical for making this possible. Click here for a link.

4. The Doggie Love Doll – You member this one? I did a blog post about it a while back. I can only imagine all the perverted shit that goes along with this thing. I think maybe I might buy one for my dog! Here’s a link!

5. www.lamebook.com – This site is fucking awesome! Have you ever seen some really stupid ass shit posted on Facebook before? Well these guys put it all together on their site and it’s freakin hilarious. If you haven’t had a chance to check it out then I suggest you go on over to www.lamebook.com and pay these guys a visit. Trust me you’ll become addicted!

6. The FleshLight – Oh man this is another GREAT fuckin idea. The people at fleshlight.com have created the perfect replacement for getting laid, a robotic vagina that feels better than the real thing and doesn’t talk to you after you’re done fucking it. And if you like the booty hole instead they’ve got one of those too! Thanks FleshLight for making my penis feel like it has never felt before! Here’s a link.

7. The Gas Mask Bra – How fuckin smart is this? A bra that doubles as a gas mask. You can wear it all day long to support your titties and when the shit hits the fan, like swine flu, you can throw that big ole bra around your face to protect you from inhaling nasty shit. Here’s another link!

8. Drive Thru Funnel Cake – I happen to love funnel cake but I’m super weirded out by carnivals. Even though funnel cake has been around for a long ass time Burger King is the first to offer it at the drive thru window. Thanks Burger King for making this delicious treat available without us having to deal with nasty crack head carni people. Link!

9. The Double Sided Condiment Bottle – Another one that makes us all say, “Why didn’t I fuckin think of this years ago?” Duh it’s not rocket science really. All you do is make one bottle that holds ketchup on one side and mustard on the other, pretty simple huh? Whoever created this was a very smart person. Click here for another link!

10. DJ Hero – We all liked Guitar Hero didn’t we? It made us all feel like we’re real rockstars minus the long hair and heroin. What could possibly be better? That’s right DJ Hero! Nothing like getting stoned and making believe you’re really DJ’ing at a hip party somewhere while playing a fake turntable in your underwear. Thanks DJ Hero for making us all feel cool again!

Now if any of you out there have another “Why didn’t I think of that?” invention from 2009 to add please feel free. Also I hope everyone has a safe and Happy New Year! Please if you drink don’t drive and if you do anyway then stay the hell away from my neighborhood.

DG

At Least You Waited Until After Christmas This Year

Published on December 30, 2009 in Daily Bitching. 2 Comments

Some of you may remember that just about every year I have a problem with the little bastards in my neighborhood fucking with my Christmas lights. Usually what happens is that these asshole kids will pull the lights out or the whole strand down from my fence just days after I put up the freakin lights. It’s quite annoying and tends to get on my fucking nerves just a little. As you have noticed I haven’t bitched about it this year until now. That’s right, my lights lasted until after Christmas this year before some dick face decided it would be funny to pull half of the damn things down from my fence. I came home yesterday to find most of the lights destroyed, obviously by some punk motherfucker who had absolutely nothing else better to do.

So to you asshole light puller downer I would like to extend you a big FUCK YOU for being such a douche bag. Thanks for at least waiting until after Christmas this year to come fuck up my nicely designed Christmas decorations. I hope by some chance that after you pulled down my lights you were hit by a car or got your balls bitten off by a pit bull. It’s people like you that make me hate the Christmas season because you feel the need to always fuck with my stuff. Thanks you inconsiderate piece of shit for nothing and I pray that one day, after you gather enough welfare checks, that you will have your own house with your own Christmas lights. That way I can come pull your shit down for no apparent reason and piss you off. Happy New Year and go fuck yourself!

DG

And the award for shittiest mother of the year goes to…….

Published on December 29, 2009 in Daily Bitching. 3 Comments

Oh my God this kid’s mom has got to be the WORST fucking parent in the entire world. You have to watch the video below to get an understanding of what I am talking about here but let me break it down for you first. What did this terrible poor excuse for a mother do? This bitch here wrapped her son’s Christmas present, a bunch of shitty winter clothes, in an empty X-Box 360 package to make it look like the kid was actually getting an X-Box this year. Instead the kid opens the box only to find that there’s not an X-Box in there, and you can tell by the look on his face that he is rather fucking pissed about it all. The worst part about it is that his mom is in the background of the video taunting him like it’s all a big game to her. You can clearly hear the mother saying “HAHA you know we can’t afford no X-Box, now look into the camera and cry!”

Seriously lady you are the biggest cunt in the entire fucking world. How you could possibly do something like this to a young child is way beyond my comprehension. We wonder why little kids start killing people and doing dumb shit at such a young age, well this is the reason why. What this bitch of a mother did here is called child abuse. There was no reason for faking the kid out like that other than to be a mean and fucked up person to them. This lady should have her kids taken away and she should also be forced to have her tubes tied to prevent any further reproduction in the future. You lady just earned the asshole parent of the year award. Fuck you and I hope your kid grows up to kick the ever living shit out of you one day for being such a piece of shit parent.

Oh and if anyone can find out who this kid is please let me know because I will personally buy him an X-Box myself just because I feel that bad for him.

DG
[video:youtube:lceRf0q60zA]

Give the gift that keeps on giving, a heifer!

Published on December 28, 2009 in Daily Bitching. 2 Comments

Yesterday I was browsing the internet and happened to stumble upon a pretty interesting site, www.heifer.org. Some of you are probably wondering what the fuck heifer.org really is, aren’t you? Heifer.org is a ‘charity’ website where people like you and I can go to donate gifts to the needy in poor countries such as Rwanda. The difference between heifer.org and other charities is that with Heifer you’re not donating money or toys, no you’re buying live animals to be shipped over to these needy people.

Yes you read that correctly! For 500 bucks you can buy a cow for a needy family in Africa. And for 250 dollars you could purchase a water buffalo and feed an entire Rwandan tribe for a week or so. Or if you want to get really fancy you could place an order for a few goats, rabbits, llamas, sheep and even a bee hive to help a starving family in Nicaragua. And the cool part about all this is that you’re able to help these starving foreigners right from the privacy of your own home without having to ever speak to anyone.

I too thought this site was a scam at first but then I did some research and found out that heifer.org is in fact a legitimate service. I honestly couldn’t believe that something like this would exist. But can I send any of these animals to a person I know here in the US instead? I mean for 250 fucking dollars I would love to have a water buffalo delivered to someone’s house as a joke. Wouldn’t you shit if UPS showed up at your door with a crate full of pigs, chickens and a big ass cow? That would be some funny shit right there!

Anyway if you’re still in the giving mood, and have an extra couple hundred dollars to piss away, head on over to heifer.org’s website and give a gift that will keep on giving all year long. Don’t buy that homeless guy standing on the corner a new jacket to keep him warm. Fuck that, get him a sheep from heifer.org so that way he can not only produce his own wool but also have something to fuck just in case he gets horny!

Remember folks, just one goat can change the world!

DG

Dear Santa 2009

Published on December 23, 2009 in Daily Bitching. 4 Comments

Every Christmas I write my own letter to Santa Claus here on my blog instead of trusting those bastards at the post office to deliver it. I know Santa is a daily reader so I’m sure he’ll read my letter again this year, even though he never gives me what the fuck I want.

Dear Santa,

I know I haven’t been on my best behavior this year that’s for sure. You know just as well as I do that I’ve done some pretty fucked up shit in the past 365 days so I wont get into too much detail here. I don’t expect you to bring me anything for Christmas but I did want to let you know that I am sorry for all the bullshit I have caused. Sometimes life is tough and we’re put into situations that we don’t always handle the right way. It happens, shit that is, and when shit does happen it usually comes at all the wrong times. I’m sure you’ve been put into some shitty spots in your lifetime as well so I’m hoping that you can understand where I’m coming from here and possibly find it in your heart to forgive me. I’m sorry Santa for being such an asshole, sometimes I just can’t help it!

Now that I’ve gotten that out of the way let me move on to let you know how I REALLY feel about you and your stupid fucking holiday traditions. First and foremost Santa I want to thank you personally for making Christmas such a stressful and not so fun holiday anymore. Honestly if I saw your fat ass flying that stupid fucking sleigh over the top of my house I would more than likely shoot you and all of your stupid fucking deer.

You have single handedly ruined Christmas for every adult in the entire world. Yes because of you Santa, and your fucked up fairy tail of a story, the rest of us have to suffer each year trying come up with the money to buy shit for people we don’t even like. There’s no Christ in Christmas any more and I have told you this over and over again. All Christmas is about these days is buying shitty presets for each other that have no meaning at all other than the fact that we feel forced to do so. Because of you there are stressed out unemployed parents struggling to buy their kids a three hundred dollar fucking video game system just so the little bastards won’t find out that you’re a fake. Because of you millions of little kids will eventually realize that you do not exist and will probably never believe what their parents tell them for the rest of their lives.

Yes Santa this is the sad truth. Because of you young children will grow up to be rapists and crack whores. Why? Because their parents lied to them all their lives about Santa being real, so why should they listen when they’re told that drugs are bad for them? You see where I am going with this? I know I sound like a broken record each year but sometimes the truth fucking hurts doesn’t it Santa? I really wish I would have been born a Jew so that way I wouldn’t have to go through this stupid shit every year just to please other people. I’m sick of you Santa and your dumb ass fucking traditions. Don’t even think about trying to come to my house this year because if I catch you in my living room near my tree I’m going to shoot first and ask questions later.

Thank you, you fat fucking prick, for ruining Christmas yet again. I hate you and I hope you choke on a cookie or get smothered in reindeer shit. Merry Christmas and fuck you!

DG

Christmas Blog Swap

Published on December 22, 2009 in Daily Bitching. 3 Comments

Today I am doing a Christmas creative writing swap with one of my fellow bloggers Pam. If you’re not bright enough to realize what a blog swap is then let me fill you in. What happens here is that I wrote something Pam is going to post on her site, and she wrote her story to post on mine. You get it now?

This means that YOUR job as a reader is to not only read my blog today, but to also head over to Pam’s awesome site and visit her as well. Thanks and have a wonderful fuckin day!

DG

My Christmas wish

I wish for the little things to stop bugging me.

I wish for my New year’s resolution to not get the better of me and actually keep it this year.

I wish for my family to get along and stop putting me in the middle of things.

I wish for some time for myself. Not tons, just a little bit.

I wish for the stores to learn how to control the crowds in stores better, so there are not ‘accidents’ around certain items.

I wish for the mall to stop baiting me to the cookie store. It has not been good for my waist line.

I wish for a stop light at the end of my road that meets the busy one. It scares the crap out of me to take a left.

I wish for a chance to go to a place I’ve never been and have the time to enjoy it.

I wish for the traffic to become better and drivers a little more patient.

I wish for the chance to have my opinion heard at work and other places and not feel like a dummy after they hear it.

I wish that I people would not put up blow up things in their front yards.

I wish that there were no lighted deer to be sold so people who live with no snow do not put them in the front yard, where it looks tacky!

My biggest Christmaswish this year is to not file bankruptcy!

Merry Christmas!

~ Pam
http://neuroticwriter.rachieann.com

It’s Fuckin Christmas Week

Published on December 21, 2009 in Daily Bitching. 2 Comments

Christmas is almost here and I’m really excited about all the funny shit I’ll be able to post this week. Later today I’m supposed to be doing a creative writing blog swap with another blogger so I just wanted to let you fuckers know that you’re going to have to check back later for today’s actual story. In the meantime I figured I would throw something up that made me laugh my ass off this morning. Check out this lady’s Christmas hairdo! Now if this isn’t some good old fashioned ghetto Christmas spirit I don’t know what else would be. One part of me is thinking “what the fuck is wrong with this lady?” and my other half is thinking “damn I wish I had some hair so I could do that too!” I guess we all show our holiday spirit in different ways, and this is definitely out of the ordinary. I wonder if some of the shit stuck in her hair is edible?

Anyway don’t forget to check back later for today’s creative writing blog swap. It’s going to be fun!

DG

Where the hell can you find a black Barbie doll?

Published on December 18, 2009 in Daily Bitching. 3 Comments

The other night I was out Christmas shopping and I happened to be looking for something for my best friend’s kids. The thing is my buddy happens to be black so basically I was trying to buy his two daughters some African American Barbie dolls. Now you would think that because it’s 2009 that finding a black Barbie doll would be a piece of cake, fuck no it wasn’t. I went to Walmart, Target, K-Mart and even Toys-R-Us but was unable to locate even one black Barbie, or any doll of color for that matter. I really couldn’t fucking believe that not one of those four major stores had a black Barbie in stock. It was quite odd in my opinion.

I mean shit I live in South Florida, the most diverse place in the United States, so I was figuring since there are so many different types of people down here that the toys would also be that way. I was wrong. We can go to Washington DC and find a black man in the Whitehouse but you can’t go to Walmart, in a mostly black city, and find a black Barbie doll. Does that make any fucking sense to you all either? I didn’t think so!

Something’s up here, either the toy makers are extremely racist or I have just found myself a new side job in selling ethnic Barbies.

DG

Why? Just fucking why do you have to do that?

Published on December 17, 2009 in Daily Bitching. 3 Comments

Okay so today’s complaint is one that makes absolutely no sense to me at all. We have a certain employee at work, and you know who you are, that likes to leave open soda containers in the fucking refrigerator. Yes this person will open a fresh can of whatever, take two sips and then put that can back in the fridge leaving it there for other people to clean up. Not only does this little fucker leave cans with two sips taken out of them, but he also likes to open the last can of my favorite beverage. Yea sure take the last Yoo-Hoo you prick and then leave two thirds of it in front of me like an ass. I wasn’t thirsty anyway you douche.

Yes you know who you are, Dan, and I can’t wait till your mother reads this so she can find out how wasteful you are. There are starving kids in Africa who would cut your dick off just to have a sip of that Yoo-Hoo and here you are throwing the shit away like money grows on trees. It’s not funny at all and I don’t know what your logic is behind this. Why not just throw the damn shit away at least so that way the rest of us wont realize how many sodas you’re actually wasting? You’re never going to drink the open ones anyway so what the fuck are you saving them for? Stop wasting shit all the time and if you feel the need to do it anyway at least have the decency to not take the last fucking Yoo-Hoo! Jerk!

DG

The Worst Christmas Gift EVER!

Published on December 16, 2009 in Daily Bitching. 3 Comments

Okay so as most of you know Christmas is right around the corner from us and will be here faster than we think. I’m sure a lot of you normal people are probably done with your shopping already, but not me. I personally like to wait until the last minute to go shopping so that way all the good gifts are sold already and I’m then forced to buy people shitty presents. Now as I was sitting here last night contemplating what the fuck to buy for everyone there was one gift in particular that crossed my mind as being the worst Christmas gift ever. What could that possibly be? A Snuggie!

Yes people a Snuggie is officially the shittiest fucking gift you could ever give to someone. If you’re not familiar with what a Snuggie is then I suggest you turn on some shitty cable TV channel, wait for the commercials and eventually you will know what the hell I am talking about. Snuggies are the stupidest fucking idea I think I’ve ever seen and if you own one chances are you’re sitting home alone with your cat every night wishing you weren’t such a failure. If you are the owner or purchaser of a Snuggie I seriously think you need to make a doctor’s appointment to have your fucking head examined.

Please do the world a favor and refrain from buying these Goddamn things for yourself or anyone else. Snuggies should be banned and turned into curtains in my opinion and if you disagree with me you’re probably one of the douche bags who owns one. Sunggies are not cool and they’re not good gifts, they’re just plain old retarded. The only reason for giving one of these out for Christmas would be because you hate the person you’re giving it to. Other than that stay the fuck away from the Snuggie, the WORST fucking gift ever!

Go ahead, try and give one of these to someone and see what kind of dumb reaction you get. I dare ya!

DG
[video:youtube:h05ZQ7WHw8Y]
This is one of the best parodies anyone has put together!