Monthly Archive for January, 2010

Now Women Are Finally Equal To Men!

Published on January 29, 2010 in Daily Bitching. 2 Comments

Even though we have woman’s rights, and there are more and more women doing men type things, I still always hear that women are not as equal to men as they should be. And it’s true women are not equal to men for one very specific reason, men can pee while standing up. Yup to me that is our biggest advantage over women because us guys can just whip our dicks out and take a piss anywhere, where as you women have to pull your pants down and squat. Well all that has finally changed with this simple device called the SheWee. What’s the SheWee you ask? Well it’s one of the most simple, but very intuitive, inventions ever created. The SheWee is a funnel like contraption that allows women to take a piss while standing up and without having to pull their pants all the way down, just like the guys. That’s right ladies you all can now finally become one of the boys. All you need to do is head on over to ShePee.org and order yourselves one of these neat little SheWees so that you can finally be as equal to us as you’ve always wanted to be. Thanks SheWee for talking the woman’s rights movement one step further!

DG

Here’s some instructions on how this thing works. Click here if you want to purchase one!

The Spit Code

Published on January 28, 2010 in Daily Bitching. 4 Comments

So yesterday I was speaking with someone and I had one of those embarrassing moments that you try to ignore. What happened is that as I was talking to this woman explaining a few things and all of a sudden I had a little ball of spit, and or food, fly out of my mouth and on to this woman’s shirt sleeve. I know she saw it because when shit like this happens to any of us it seems like the spit just comes out in slow motion. Neither of us said anything to each other and we both just ignored the fact that I nastily spat on this woman’s shirt. Still we both noticed it and I’m sure she was probably grossed the fuck out by my flying spit ball.

It’s like there’s some code that we all have when accidental spit flies out of our mouths onto others. It seems as if no one will ever acknowledge the spit flying whether they are the spitter or the receiver of the spit. I think we all just blow it off like nothing happened to save ourselves the embarrassment of having to tell the other “hey close your mouth when you talk because you fucking spit on me” or “sorry that I just spit on you during our conversation”. I don’t think anyone wants to accept the fact that bodily fluids were just exchanged in a gross manner.

Still this happens to the best of us and sometimes you just can’t avoid it no matter how hard you try. It’s like that spit is just in your mouth saying “get me the fuck outta here” at the worst of times and seems to fly out on it’s own. So because I completely understand the nature of unintentional spit flying I will continue to follow the spit code. If someone accidentally shoots a flying ball of spit in my face while we’re talking I won’t say a fucking word about it. You all should do the same!

DG

Bring Back Paula!!!

Published on January 27, 2010 in Daily Bitching. 2 Comments

So I have to admit that I am a HUGE American Idol fan. I’ve been watching since the first season aired and have been hooked ever since. I think the show gives America a chance to locate some great talent in some of these singers, which is why I think AI is one of the best shows ever created. Now over the past several years I have complained about Paula Abdul and how she never seemed to shut the fuck up with her stupid ramblings. Paula would also appear to be a little bit fucked up at times with her slurred speech and dumb ass comments. I thought that she was a total idiot on the show and she always seemed to annoy the ever-living shit out of me. But now that Paula is no longer on American Idol anymore I honestly believe that the judging part of the show is going to shit because of her absence.

I think that even though Paula acted like a total she-douche that still she brought a lot of character to the show. This new bitch, Kara DioGuardi, lacks the skill that Paula had when it comes to adding a little more entertainment to watch. Sure Paula was always fucked up, and some really dumb shit came out of her mouth, but it was fun to watch. Now that she’s gone American Idol just doesn’t seem to be the same anymore. I hate to say this but I really DO miss seeing Paula Abdul act like an idiot every week. The show sucks now Fox and I think you all should do whatever you can to bring back Paula. I’m sure your ratings aren’t as good as they used to be and not having Paula Abdul anymore is the reason why. Bring back the funny inebriated judge and get rid of the not so talented one!

DG

Is it really necessary to talk so loud while you’re on speakerphone?

Published on January 26, 2010 in Daily Bitching. 3 Comments

So yesterday I had the pleasure of meeting some asshole that came into my office and decided it would be a good idea to talk REALLY loud on his cell phone right in front of me. Not only was this moron screaming on the fucking phone he was also talking to the other person on speaker. This went on for about an hour or so and really started to piss me the fuck off. I had to eventually ask this said person politely to please shut the fuck up, as he was screaming like a damn buffoon. It’s like seriously is that shit really necessary? Do you make it a habit of coming into people’s place of business and talking so loud that nobody else can hear a damn thing on purpose, or are you just that fucking stupid that you don’t realize how loud you actually are? And the speaker phone thing, what’s the deal with that shit? Not only are you talking extremely loud but now you’ve got some other asshole just like you screaming back through the damn thing. Have some common fucking courtesy for other people and take your loud phone call outside of the building. No one gives a fuck about your conversation, or you, so please do us all a favor and SHUT THE FUCK UP!

If you don’t agree with me here then YOU are part of the problem!

DG

Doug’s Jersey Shore Audition Video

Published on January 25, 2010 in Daily Bitching. 7 Comments

Seeing as the first season of MTV’s Jersey Shore is now over I decided that I would like to try out for the casting of their next season. I went ahead and created my very own Jersey Shore audition tape the other day and I’m thinking about sending this in to the folks at MTV. So go ahead and watch the video below and tell me this, wouldn’t I be the perfect fucking addition to that stupid ass show?

YOU NEED ME MTV!! :) )

DG
[video:youtube:HWdGLFX16Z8]

Should this commercial be released or not?

Published on January 22, 2010 in Daily Bitching and Doug's Friday Question. 4 Comments

Okay so I’m taking my Friday question to the next level this week by sharing a recently banned commercial that was set to air in France for AIDS awareness. This commercial below was created by a foundation called Aides, a French based company helping to fight the spread of HIV. Supposedly the asshole French government decided that airing this commercial was a bad idea and they banned it from ever being released. Well thanks to good old YouTube we all can now enjoy a little AIDS awareness today. So go ahead and watch this very creative ad below by the Aides guys. After you watch it then tell me, should this commercial be allowed on television?

DG

Aides Graffiti
[video:youtube:m4DW-hdXcH8]

Getting Caught With Porn Is Embarrassing!

Published on January 21, 2010 in Daily Bitching. 3 Comments

So today I have an embarrassing story to share about myself. Two days ago I was in line at the grocery store waiting to pay for my shit. The line was a little long so I do what I usually do when I’m waiting for something, look at my iPhone to pass the time. Well little did I know I had forgotten that earlier in the day someone sent me an email with pornographic material in it. Stupid fucking me never closed that email and as soon as I opened my phone to kill a few minutes there was a big picture of some woman’s vagina staring at not only me, but the lady standing right behind me.

Yup the woman standing next to me in line caught a glimpse of a very well trimmed vaginal region of the chick on my phone and it seemed like it took forever for me to close the damn thing. I knew she saw it because she immediately turned around in disbelief. This left me standing there quite embarrassed and also made me feel like some fucking pervert in front of this woman. So to the lady standing next to me at Publix on Tuesday I must apologize to you, as that was completely unintentional. I’m sure if you ever see me again I’ll be labeled as “that fucking pervert guy” looking at porn while he’s shopping and I bet you’ve been telling this story to all of your church friends. Again I’m sorry for the mishap!

DG

Dumb Ass Of The Week – Stupid Tattoo Guy

Published on January 20, 2010 in Dumb-Ass Of The Week. 6 Comments

Here’s something to make you all say, “Why? Just why the fuck would you do that?” I have no fucking idea what this guy’s name is, or where he’s from, but he has been given the honor of being on my dumb ass of the week for being such an idiot. What did he do? This dip shit here decided it would be a good idea to have a pair of sunglasses permanently tattooed on his face. Yes you read that correctly! How fucking stupid could you possibly be to even consider a tattoo like this let alone actually go through with it? I mean I’m all for tattoos and I’ve got quite a few of them but this guy’s idea is just plain old dumb. I can only imagine what his face is going to look like after 20 years of being exposed to the sun. That pair of glasses is going to look like someone took a shit on his face when he reaches 60 years old. Sometimes I’m just amazed at how retarded people in this world are when I see shit like this. So whoever you are tattoo’d face guy I’d really like to tell you what a fucking douche bag you are. That tattoo is not cool and neither are you! I hope that whoever that girl is with you in those pictures that she stays with you forever because I can’t see you pulling any more women with your face looking like that. Oh and good luck finding a job later in life when you realize that tattoos are not the only important thing in this world. I guess we’ll all be seeing your dumb ass in the circus one day!

DG

Click Here For More Pictures

What do you say when you talk to someone in Jail?

Published on January 19, 2010 in Daily Bitching. 3 Comments

Do any of you know someone or have known someone who is/was in jail for any period of time? It’s like the most awkward fucking thing in the world when you talk to them on the phone isn’t it? Really it is because what does that jailed person have to talk about other than being in jail? They call you and of course you get that real uncomfortable feeling like you don’t want to say the wrong thing to them so you’re stuck basically being the listener throughout the entire conversation. Seriously I mean you can’t ask them what they’ve been up to because duh they’re in fucking jail so you know what the hell they’ve been doing. You can’t ask them if they’ve been having fun because you know that answer too. And don’t dare ask if they’ve met anyone special because for one you probably don’t want to know even if they did, and two if they didn’t you’ll probably piss that person off.

All you can talk about with someone in jail is the fact that they all believe they are in there for doing nothing. That’s right no matter who it is or what they have done to land themselves in the fucking slammer they all think they’re innocent. You pay five to ten dollars a fucking phone call just to hear that person say the same shit over and over again. “Hey how’s it going? Yea? How have you been? Oh that’s right you’re still in jail, shit sorry about that. So how’s the food? Shitty huh? Oh man okay well good talking to you, see you in 10-20 years. What’s that you think you might get out sooner? Great news can’t wait to see you. Okay have fun and don’t drop the fucking soap. What that’s not funny? You dropped the soap the other day and now you’re walking funny? Shit man sorry about that! Well keep your head up and your ass down. Okay man yea fifteen minutes is up. Talk to you again in a week so you can tell me the same shit all over again.”

Do yourselves and the people you love a huge favor people, stay the fuck outta jail!

DG

Biggest Facebook Fail EVER

Published on January 15, 2010 in Daily Bitching. 3 Comments

I really haven’t had much to say lately so I figured I would give you all something to laugh at today. This has got to be one of the grossest and most fucked up Facebook postings I have ever seen. Take a look for yourselves, laugh at first, then think about it and say “oh my God that is fucking disgusting!” Happy Friday!

DG