Monthly Archive for February, 2010

Who Wants To Go Vajazzling?

Published on February 26, 2010 in Things That Make You Go Hmmmm. 4 Comments

Okay so this is the first I’ve heard of the new found phenomenon called Vajazzling. What is Vajazzling you say? Well it’s a new trend where women go to get their vaginas waxed and then covered in Swarovski crystals. Sounds cool huh? Well another blogger, Bryce Gruber, over at TheLuxurySpot.com just got her cooter Vajazzled the other day and documented the whole thing, click here for that story. Yes this is for real people and I’m kind of intrigued by the fact that women are now treating their pussies like a fuckin Christmas tree. I am however worried that the Swarovski crystals might cause an injury though. Like what happens if you’re down there and one of those things gets caught in your throat and you choke and die from eating pussy? Man that would totally suck! Oh and what happens if they come off during the day and somehow manage to get stuck up in there? That would be an embarrassing trip to the emergency room now wouldn’t it? Either way I still think Vajazzling is a very innovative idea. Honestly I never would’ve thought you could take something so perfect as a vagina and make it look any prettier but it’s now been done. Supposedly Jennifer Love Hewitt was the one who created Vajazzling so you can all thank her for making this fine improvement to the vagina. Thanks Jennifer!!

DG

Source

“We only fingerprinted his left hand.”

Published on February 25, 2010 in Weird Fucking News. 2 Comments

So here’s a funny but not so funny story about a man who was arrested the other day in Philadelphia. Siri Pinnya, a 36 year-old man labeled as a “jerkoff” by Philly police, is being charged with harassment, disorderly conduct and assault after he allegedly attacked a 17 year-old girl when she refused to let him pay her for sex. Once he was in custody old Siri here must have been one horny motherfucker because according to police he wouldn’t stop whacking off inside the holding cell long enough for them to fingerprint him.

“We couldn’t process him because he’s sitting in the cell masturbating,” Chitwood said. “He wouldn’t stop so we had to wait till later to clean him up.”

Chitwood said that when officers finally photographed and fingerprinted Pinnya, they took extra precautions. “We only fingerprinted his left hand.”

Chitwood suggested that if convicted, Pinnya should have to come back to clean out the cell as part of his sentence.

Now the part about the guy trying to pay a young girl for sex is totally not funny. BUT, the part about him yanking his crank in the jail cell to the point where the cops would only fingerprint his left hand is fucking hilarious to me. Can you imagine if you were the police officer on duty who was responsible for taking the fingerprints that day? I honestly think that if it were me I probably would have quit right then and there. Just when you think you’ve heard it all some jackoff comes along and reminds us all that you just never know what you might wakeup in the morning and read about on the internet.

DG

Click here for the full story.

Curling Is Fucking Dumb!

Published on February 24, 2010 in Daily Bitching. 4 Comments

In case most of you didn’t notice, or just don’t care, the Winter Olympics has been on lately fucking up all of our regular TV programs. Now that’s all fine and dandy but I have one issue with regards to a particular Olympic sport called curling. This is the dumbest fucking sport I have ever seen in my life. Who in the hell created this shit and why is it even considered a sport? It’s like someone wanted to bowl without pins and mop the floor at the same time so they decided to make up this ridiculous fucking game that is considered skillful. Well news flash it’s fucking dumb! You mean to tell me that all of my regularly scheduled programs have been cancelled so we can watch a bunch of idiots with sticks clean some ice for a rock to slide down it? Fuck at least put something good on like bobsledding or something. If I wanted to watch someone sweep the floor I would go down to the Walmart late at night when they were about to close. Curling should be banned from being broadcasted on any TV network and never watched again. What the hell happened to the real Olympics?

DG

Shitty Customer Service At The Bank

Published on February 23, 2010 in Daily Bitching. 4 Comments

So the other day I was at the bank waiting in line to make a deposit. As I was standing patiently I noticed that there was one teller who was not helping anyone and she seemed to be a little pissed off. After about ten minutes of watching this bitch pace back and fourth she finally decided she was going to help me. When I got up to the counter all she kept doing was bitching to one of her coworkers about how she was mad about what someone else did, all while I was standing right in front of her. Now because she couldn’t stop complaining about whatever her fucking problem was it took her an extra long time to help me and I was kind of pissed about all that.

First off I’m a customer and whether or not you’re having a bad day should be none of my fucking concern. Just because someone you work with ticked you off doesn’t give you the right to take it out on the customers. There are plenty of people out there without jobs who would be more than happy to take your place, and probably do a better job at it. I’m so sick of these customer service people who cannot seem to do their jobs properly no matter where I go. You people aught to be kissing us customer’s asses all the time because WE are the ones who keep you employed. Stop being such fucking douche bags all the time and if you’re having a bad day save the damn complaints for after work or when customers are not around. Nobody gives a shit that you’re mad, just put a fucking smile on your face and treat us with a little bit of respect!

DG

Boner Is Missing!

Published on February 22, 2010 in Weird Fucking News. 1 Comment

So if you’re like me and you grew up in the 80′s then you so know who I am talking about here. Andrew Koenig, better known as Mike Seaver’s friend Boner from Growing Pains, has gone missing from his Vancouver home. Please if any of you have seen him it would be best if you called the Vancouver authorities to file a report. We all owe it to Boner to try and help find him. Why? Because I know you all loved Growing Pains back in the day and because think about it, when will the FCC ever allow a TV show to have a character named Boner on it again? Boner was a part of our 80′s history and needs to be found. Do your part here people and help us find old Boner Stabone before it’s too late.

DG

Click here for the full story.

Why just fuckin why?

Published on February 18, 2010 in Daily Bitching and Things That Make You Go Hmmmm. 2 Comments

So I’m posting my morning blog a little early because some people like to steal my fuckin pictures. Anyway so I was out at dinner tonight and it was a good thing I happened to look over at this woman AFTER I was done eating. Yes take a look at the picture below and tell me what in the hell is wrong with this lady? Jesus Christ I can’t believe she was out at a public restaurant looking like this. It’s like didn’t anyone tell you not to wear that before you left your house? And even if no one had the heart to tell you not to wear that didn’t you at least feel the cold air up against your half naked exposed fat ass? I mean come on what the fuck were you thinking and why did you have to ruin everyone’s dinner? Please for the love of God if you’re reading this right now and you feel the need to go out like this woman, DON’T! Nobody wants to see your gross ass, especially while we’re eating.

DG

Life Lesson #1: NEVER Fuck With Old People

Published on February 18, 2010 in Daily Bitching. 4 Comments

Here’s an awesome video I found this morning on one of the sites I read. I’ll break it down for you real quick. A young black guy is harassing an older white guy on a bus. The older guy moves his seat to avoid conflict. The young guy keeps antagonizing him. The old guy tells the young guy that he’ll whoop the guys ass. The young guy hits the old guy. The old guy then beats the shit out of the young guy in about two seconds and knocks him the fuck out. The old guy gets off the bus and says “I told you not to fuck with me!” The end.

Yes you have to watch this amazing footage of the elderly prevailing over the young and stupid. Let this be a lesson to all of you out there who think it’s okay to fuck with old people. You better be careful or you might end up like this idiot with a bloody nose and total embarrassment that you just got your ass kicked by a senior citizen. This is one of the best videos I have seen in a long time!

DG
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Tired of looking at your pets brown eye?

Published on February 17, 2010 in Things That Make You Go Hmmmm. 3 Comments

Are you sick and tired of seeing your cat or dog’s dirty asshole? Well stop worrying about it because now the people at Rear Gear have a solution for you. These guys have invented an asshole ornament designed to go over your pet’s tail and add a little trendyness to their ass. This way you’ll never have to see your animal’s dirty brown eye again. That’s right for only five bucks you can give your cat or dog some Rear Gear and that one eyed monster wont be staring you in the face anymore. Damn why didn’t I think of this? I can only imagine if the Rear Gear asshole cover makes it to one of those infomercials. Holy shit that would be funny as hell. It’s too bad Billy Mays is dead because he would have sold this thing out if he had the chance to market some Rear Gear. So what are you all waiting for? Click the link below and treat your beloved pet to a nice colorful asshole cover. I’m buying my dog one right now!

DG

Click here for Rear Gear

You want to fuck on me?

Published on February 16, 2010 in Daily Bitching and Only In Hollywood. 2 Comments

So you all are never going to fucking believe what happened to me last Friday night. It was about 10:45PM and my buddy and I were sitting in my office working on some music stuff. I got up to take a break and headed outside for a quick smoke. I looked and notice someone running and then jumping my rear fence. Holy shit I thought, this fucking guy was trying to rob me. I quickly pulled my pistol from my waistband and tried to chase the prick down. Unfortunately he was halfway over the fence before I could catch up to him. I then called 911 and in less than two minutes my house was surrounded by cops. The cops and I were out looking around and the one policeman said he heard something in my neighbor’s yard. The next thing I know they sent the dogs after the guy and the dog found him hiding under my neighbor’s RV. I heard the loudest scream ever, as the dog tore this guy the fuck up. The cops then had the guy in custody and brought me out to ID him. When I saw the guy he was covered in blood because the police dog basically bit his whole damn calf muscle off and it was hanging from his leg. Good fucking job Hollywood police! Thank you!

But wait this gets better. So the cops and I went back into my house to review the surveillance tape of what happened. This fucking guy was in my backyard creeping for like 30 mins! He waited for my buddy and I to go in and then jumped my fence. Not only was he trying to break into my shed but he was watching us through my office window the whole time to make sure we didn’t come out. Scary huh? Oh and this son of a bitch is actually the boyfriend of my asshole neighbors who live behind me, click here if you don’t know about them. Yea my own fucking neighbor was trying to rob me while I was sitting right fucking there! If you recall I got robbed a few weeks back, click here for that one, and obviously it was this same cocksucker I caught again. Well this time my cameras were working and this time your punk ass got caught. This guy got lucky that he was so far away or I seriously would have shot him, no questions asked.

Let this be a lesson to anyone else out there with balls enough to try and rob me. I have a lot of guns and a really itchy trigger finger. Please be my guest and try some shit like that again. Next time you might not lose just your calf muscle!

DG

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Here’s a quick clip of the surveillance video. I couldn’t post the whole thing because Youtube said it was too big, but if you want to see the full video just click here.

A Legitimate Friday Question

Published on February 12, 2010 in Doug's Friday Question and Things That Make You Go Hmmmm. 3 Comments

Okay this is something that has bothered me for many many years and I honestly wish I could think of an answer for this one. Could somebody please tell me why in the fuck do the banks have drive thru ATM machines with braille numbers on them? First off how would a blind person drive to that ATM? And second how would they know if the machine gave them the right amount of cash? Please tell me you have an answer!

DG