Monthly Archive for March, 2010

Designer Tampons Anyone?

Published on March 31, 2010 in Daily Bitching. 4 Comments

Okay so last night I was watching a little television, I really don’t remember what I was watching but I do recall this crazy ass commercial I saw. The commercial was an ad for the new designer tampons coming out from Kotex. Yes you read that correctly designer tampons! They’re called U by Kotex and seem to be available in several different sizes AND colors. That’s right now you ladies can bleed out of your happy place with style each month thanks to the pure fucking genius idea from the Kotex people. Here’s an excerpt from their website.

“Perfect size, can’t feel them and super cute colors. Win!!”
-missjackson

Seriously you have got to be fucking kidding me here. Who in the hell thought of this idea and why would color have to do anything with a woman’s decision when purchasing her feminine products? Don’t we have enough stupid designer shit in this world like Ed Hardy clothing and Baby Phat jeans to keep people feeling like they’re cool? Did someone really have to take the only thing in the world that should be left as is and make it ‘designer’? Come on now you really cant tell me that there are women out there who will say to themselves, “You know what? I really hate when my period comes so I think I will make it better by inserting a lime green tampon up my cooch.” No that is not happening I’m totally sure of it. Enough is enough already with trying to improve shit that should’ve been left alone. Let’s be real here, are there any of you women out there who are now thinking about buying yourselves some designer U tampons by Kotex after reading this?

DG

Stereotypical Wannabe Mafia Italian Guys

Published on March 30, 2010 in Daily Bitching. 1 Comment

Do you know or have you ever met one of those real Italian guys with the heavy accent? You know the kind who talks like they’re fresh out of the movie Casino and believe themselves to be kin of Joe Pesci? Aren’t they some over excessive loud mouth motherfuckers? God I can’t stand trying to talk to these fucking Guineas, it’s like for some reason they never shut the hell up. They walk around and think that just because they’re from New York, and talk like the Godfather, that automatically they’re some type of made men or some shit. Well it’s annoying as all hell to say the least.

These Italian ‘actors’ as I like to call them are one rare breed I tell you. Don’t get offended if you’re just a regular Italian here because I’m not talking about you. No I’m talking about the ones who never shut the fuck up but still never seem to say anything relevant other than, “fogetaboutit” and “what am I a fuckin asshole?” Yea the ones who take their Italian heritage way too far and think that because they watched a bunch of mafia movies that they’re actually in the fucking mafia. The ones where when they talk all you hear is what they have to say and nothing else. Yes I’m referring to the loud mouth stereotypical Italian dudes who seem to get on everyone’s nerves.

You fucking guys need to calm down with all this “I’m Italian and I talk funny so naturally I’m a made guy” shit because it’s just stupid. Nobody believes that you’re in the mafia and nobody likes talking to you because of all the idiotic shit that comes out of your mouths. Shut the fuck up already with the crappy accents and fake realizations of being a fucking gangster. All of you are just a bunch of loud mouth pricks who think their shit doesn’t stink and the rest of us aren’t buying that bad impression of Al Pacino you’re trying to pull off. Just because you’re Italian and you like to listen to yourself talk doesn’t mean you’re cool. It just means you’re a fucking asshole!

DG

Porn actors/actresses are so not believable!

Published on March 29, 2010 in Daily Bitching. 5 Comments

Okay so I know we’ve all seen porno before right? Well have any of you ever made it past 30 seconds of masturbation and actually watched a full porn video? Yes I mean watched the whole thing and listened to the shitty actors instead of fast-forwarding to the cum shot scene. Well if you have can you totally agree that these damn porn actresses and actors are trying WAY to fucking hard with the way they try to ‘act’ in these movies? They are so crappy at acting that there is no way in hell any of the shit they say is believable. Some of the things they say to each other in those pornos is so off the wall that there is no way possible that anyone would say shit like that to someone they are having sex with. Honestly I think that the actors and actresses in these fuck flicks should be required to go through some type of acting school before they are allowed to suck someone’s dick for a living. I like porn, I really really do, but I can’t stand listening to the people in those movies talk. Either say something that makes sense or just shut the fuck up and moan. All that corny talk you all are using is ruining it for the rest of us who are trying to get off by watching you. We all know porn is fake, but for the love of Christ can you please make it just a little more believable for us realists out there who know for a fact that people don’t talk like that while fornicating with each other?

DG
Professional Porn Viewer

Will you be my friend?

Published on March 26, 2010 in Daily Bitching and Doug's Friday Question. 4 Comments

Okay so I just broke one of my biggest rules that I swore I would never do, social networking sites. Yes I am now a member of Facebook and I’m SO fucking addicted. For the longest time I was against any social networking site because I try to live in the real world not the virtual one. Well after seeing that my seventy year-old grandma was on Facebook I just couldn’t resist, so I signed up and now realized that I have a shit load of friends I never knew about. Now my work productivity is going to drop 20-30%, I’m going to try and find all the long lost friends I haven’t seen in forever and stay up for hours playing Mafia Wars and feeding my farm animals. Yes I am now just as lame as the rest of the world because I have joined the Facebook movement. So this leaves me now with my normal Friday question to ask. Will you be my virtual friend on Facebook so that way I can feel better about not having any real friends?

DG

I have nothing to say today.

Published on March 25, 2010 in Daily Bitching. 0 Comments

Domino’s Keeps Spamming Me!

Published on March 24, 2010 in Daily Bitching. 8 Comments

It was a rainy day a few weeks ago and I was sitting at home smoking a fat joint of some killer California weed. After I was done I suddenly got extremely hungry, but didn’t feel like venturing out in the rain to get a bite to eat, so I decided to order myself some Domino’s pizza. Well instead of calling and dealing with some dip shit on the phone I went online to their website and ordered from there, big fucking mistake that was. Sure I got my cardboard tasting pizza in 30 minutes but along with that shitty pizza came something totally unexpected, spam. No not an extra topping, spam emails. That’s right ever since I ordered that fucking pizza I’ve been receiving multiple spam emails a day from the bastards at Domino’s. I’ve tried to unsubscribe from their mailing list several times and still I keep getting these damn emails each day. It’s quite frustrating when all you wanted to do was order a pizza and the next thing you know your inbox is full of unwanted junk from these douche bags over at Domino’s. Well fuck you Domino’s and your shitty pizza too. I wished that I’d never ordered your food because all I got out of it was heartburn and a bunch of fucking spam. The rest of you all have been warned so if you decide to order this crap beware that giving your real email address to the assholes at Domino’s may cause you more frustration than it’s worth. Order your pizza the old way if you don’t want to be spammed for the rest of eternity!

DG

Dumb-Ass Of The Week – Naked Taxi Guy

Published on March 23, 2010 in Dumb-Ass Of The Week and Weird Fucking News. 2 Comments

I’m kind of pressed for time this morning but damned if this isn’t one of the funniest pictures I’ve ever seen. There’s not much to the story other than the fact that a naked Chinese dude jumped in front of a taxicab and tried to lift the fucking thing in the air for no apparent reason. Have a look see below and like most people say, a picture is worth a thousand words. Have a great fucking day people and please try your hardest not to make it to my dumb-ass of the week section.

DG

“It all began when the nude man stopped the taxi by running out into the street in front of traffic. As the perplexed driver got out of the car to see what was going on, the naked man grabbed the vehicle’s bumper and tried – without much success – to lift it off the ground.

As a crowd of puzzled onlookers gathered to watch the spectacle, the man continued in his efforts to lift the car. Eyewitnesses reported that he would sometimes shout ‘please give me strength!’ as he struggled with the taxi.

The bizarre incident took place in Hefei, in Anhui province in eastern China.

Police eventually arrived, and attempted to detain the man and get him clothed again – at which point the man hid under a police van and refused to come out.

He was eventually retrieved from under the vehicle by police officers and medical staff.”

Click here for the full story.

Why did we have children? Oh yeah to exploit them!

Published on March 22, 2010 in Daily Bitching. 3 Comments

So yesterday I was out at the beach with some friends having a good day and we happened to notice a crowd of people gathered together. Our curiosity got the best of us so we decided to have a peek at what all these people were looking at. Behind that crowd were two young kids singing and playing the guitar, badly. Apparently somebody brought their children down to the beach to try and rake in a little extra cash. Well let me just tell you that the kids had no fucking talent whatsoever and I’m still not sure what language they were singing in. I was really trying to figure out why someone would set their two young boys in front of a Hagen-Das ice cream store down on the beach with some plastic guitars and then it hit me, they’re doing it for the money.

Yup those kids had a bucket full of tips in front of them and more people kept coming up to throw in their money too. It’s like the parents said fuck it there’s a recession so lets exploit our no talent children on a Sunday so that way we can make some extra money. Well it’s fucking wrong! You don’t have children just so you can put them on the beach during the weekends to exploit them for money. This isn’t some communist country where we use children to our financial benefit. The parents of those two boys aught to be ashamed of themselves for doing this shit because it just isn’t right. Seriously tell me if you think I’m wrong here.

DG

Another Ridiculous Friday Question

Published on March 19, 2010 in Doug's Friday Question. 3 Comments

So with trying to keep my Friday questions going each week I always find myself thinking of some really weird shit to ask you all, and this week is no exception. You all ready for this one?

Have you ever had sex and after you were done you and your partner were unable to locate what happened to the sperm that was just ejaculated? Or in short terms have you ever lost your man or man’s man juice?

DG

Do you really have to piss right next to me?

Published on March 18, 2010 in Daily Bitching. 3 Comments

All right so I know I’ve probably complained about this topic before, but damned if the shit doesn’t keep happening to me. Just about every fucking time I’m out somewhere and I go to take a piss some asshole always feels the need to stand right next to me and pee when there are plenty of other free urinals around. Some of you may be saying, “Doug why is that such a big deal? What are you a homophobe?” Well the answer is simple. For one I have a slight issue with ‘stage fright’ where I cannot seem to piss if someone is watching me or talking to me. Two I really don’t like to hold a conversation with someone while we both have our dicks in our hands, it’s just a little too weird for me. Still there can be 25 free urinals and some idiot always wants to stand right next to me and talk like we’re long lost friends.

Well listen to me here. We’re not buddies and just because we happen to be peeing right next to each other doesn’t give you the right to start talking to me. Leave me the fuck alone when I’m trying to relieve myself and mind your fucking business. I don’t care about how your night is going and all I want to do is take a piss and leave the bathroom. Public restrooms aren’t the same as Facebook guys, we’re not supposed to make friends in there. Go to the fucking bathroom, piss or shit, get the hell out and leave me the fuck alone. The last thing I want to do is make friends with someone while I’m draining the lizard. Assholes!

DG