Monthly Archive for October, 2010

30 Things I’ve Learned In 30 Years

Published on October 29, 2010 in Dumb Lists. 2 Comments

So today is my birthday! Yup I’m officially 30 fucking years old today and I can’t believe I’ve made it this far. I’m getting ready to head down to Key West for Fantasy Fest so I’m pretty stoked about that. But before I go I’d like to share a little list I’ve been compiling over the last year of 30 things I’ve learned in 30 years. This list is in no order, nor does it really make any sense. So go ahead and take a look at some of the stupid shit I’ve managed to figure out in my 30 years on this planet and have a great fuckin Friday people. I know I will!

DG

1. Bacon does not taste good in the microwave

2. Love hurts sometimes

3. Martin Luther King Blvd. is NEVER in a good neighborhood

4. One size does not fit all

5. Everybody does dumb shit when they’re drunk

6. Fat people are always good cooks

7. When a woman says she won’t get mad when you ask her she’s usually lying

8. No matter how fancy they make them bowling shoes will always be ugly

9. Takeout food doesn’t compair to eating at the initial restaurant you got the food from

10. Pushing the elevator button multiple times doesn’t make it come any faster

11. Cheap vacuum cleaners last just as long as expensive ones

12. Eating out alone sucks ass

13. Other people always have something weird about them

14. There really IS sex in the champainge room

15. All dogs are bisexual

16. Never buy something on it’s first release

17. Pubic hairs come in grey just like regular hair

18. Pimples never go away they just go south turn into back pimples or hemorrhoids

19. Not all cops are assholes

20. Makeup sex is always the best

21. Drug dealers are always late

22. It’s bad luck to wear the same suit to a funeral and then a wedding

23. Never trust anyone who begins or ends a sentence with “trust me”

24. Cheap chocolate gets you just as fat as expensive chocolate

25. Prices are usually always negotiable

26. Your balls keep growing even though you stop growing

27. Only women drink white zinfandel

28. If someone tells you “no offense” you’re probably going to get offended

29. Women do NOT hit on men

30. If you don’t learn from your mistakes then you’re a fuckin retard!

Want to have FREE vaginal rejuvenation after having a baby?

Published on October 28, 2010 in Weird Fucking News. 2 Comments

I’m a little pressed for time today so I figured I share this interesting article about French women. It seems that in France after a woman gives birth she gets it all.

“Weeks after giving birth, French women are offered a state-paid, extended course of vaginal gymnastics, complete with personal trainer, electric stimulation devices and computer games that reward particularly nimble squeezing. The aim, said Agnes de Marsac, a physiotherapist who runs such sessions: “Making love again soon and making more babies.”

But even after all that the French women are still not considered equal! France is actually rated 46th in the world when it comes to women’s equal rights. Go figure huh?

DG

Click here for the full story

Caption My Fuckin Photo!

Published on October 27, 2010 in Caption My Fuckin Photo. 3 Comments

Is it Wednesday again already? I know you fuckers have nothing better to do today so stop being dicks and caption my fuckin photo for Christ’s sake!

DG

Names on the asses of chick’s pants

Published on October 26, 2010 in Daily Bitching. 2 Comments

Here’s one of those fashion things that really confuses the shit outta me. You know those pants that women wear with names on the back like “Juicy”, “Princess”, “Hot Stuff” or whatever the fuck those things say? What the hell is up with that shit? Like is it really necessary for you women to walk around with a billboard on your ass? Not to mention that you all are drawing more attention to your rear that way because not everyone has the best eye sight and I’m sure a lot of people are staring trying to figure out what your ass is saying to us. And I’m also sure that there’s plenty of you conceded bitches out there, yeah I called women bitches so what, who probably get all mad that men are looking at your ass when in fact you are the one advertising some stupid saying on it in the first place. It’s just odd to me that showing some ridiculous saying on a butt is now a fashion statement. I guess this is another one of those things I’ll never get. Maybe I should make some for men? How’d you like it if I walked around with a name on my jeans that read “Gassy” or “Stinky”? I bet you that shit will sell!

DG

Taxicab Drivers

Published on October 25, 2010 in Daily Bitching. 4 Comments

I’m going to let you all in on a little secret about me today. I get car sick very easily. I don’t know why but for some reason if I am not in control of the vehicle I’m driving in I tend to get sick as fuck. This doesn’t happen with everyone I drive with, but it sure as hell happens every time I ride in a fucking taxicab. Seriously it’s like for some reason every taxicab drive I’ve ever taken has made me want to puke my fucking brains out. I think the cab companies hire the shittest drivers they can find, or they just don’t drive with them before they give these assholes a job. Whatever the reason may be, I’ve NEVER had a pleasant cab ride in my life. Not to mention that none of the cab drivers in this country seem to speak any English either. I think that’s also a prerequisite as well! If you can’t speak and you can’t drive then shit becoming a taxicab driver is the job for you. I don’t know how these bastards ever find where they’re supposed to go when they can’t even pronounce their own names. I really just don’t get it and I probably never will. I’m sure there may be some good taxi drivers out there, but they’re probably about as rare as finding the winning lottery ticket. What can you do about it? Not a Goddamn thing! People are always going to need rides and non English speaking, no talent, bad driving assholes are always going to need jobs. I’m sure this will never change!

DG

A Friday Airplane Question

Published on October 22, 2010 in Doug's Friday Question. 3 Comments

So this week I had the chance to do some traveling and boy are you other travelers a pain in the fucking ass! Yes, I’m talking about you inconsiderate bastards who fly on airplanes. You see what normal people do is wait their turns to actually get off of the plane because we know we cannot go anywhere when there’s a hundred people waiting in front of us. But no you assholes in the back of the plane think that you can just scoot your asses up and stand on top of everyone else while we’re patiently waiting our turns. It’s fucking ridiculous and makes absolutely no sense whatsoever. So my question this week is fairly simple. Why do you tards think that getting out of your seats and trying to hurry to the front of the plane is going to get you off of that plane any faster? Don’t you ass fucks realize that the before you can exit the airplane that the others in front of you must leave first to make room for your idiotic selves to get through?

DG

www.airtoons.com

I’m Back! Now Caption My Fuckin Photo!

Published on October 21, 2010 in Caption My Fuckin Photo. 4 Comments

Well good fucking morning people! Some of you are probably asking, “Doug, where in the hell have you been?” I’ve been out of town at a convention for my place of employment for the last three days so blogging was kind of the last thing on my mind. I am however back now and I’ll be posting some of my new complaints about traveling in the days to come. For now it’s Caption My Fuckin Photo day and I’d like you fuckers to participate please. So take a look at the photo below, think about what it’s saying to you and caption the damn thing!

DG

PS: It’s good to be back!

Random Funny Shit – That’s not a garage sale!

Published on October 18, 2010 in Random Funny Shit and Videos. 1 Comment

This Friday’s Question Makes No Sense!

Published on October 15, 2010 in Doug's Friday Question. 2 Comments

Okay so it’s finally Friday again and that means another dumb question by yours truly. This week I’d like to ask something that I think is kind of fucking stupid. Why is it that people can live in this country for ten to twenty years but still cannot speak a lick of English? What the fuck is up with that?

DG

Caption My Fuckin Photo!

Published on October 14, 2010 in Caption My Fuckin Photo. 3 Comments

Okay so I got my days all fucked up this week and didn’t even realize yesterday was Wednesday and I completely forgot about Caption My Fuckin Photo day. This week we’re doing things a little different and I’ll make you fuckers caption my shit on Thursday instead. You know what to do right? Take a look at the picture below, think about what it’s saying to you and caption the damn thing! Pretty easy eh?

DG