Doug's Daily Gripes
I’m going to keep this short and sweet today, I’m a bad neighbor! The mailman accidentally put a Christmas card for my next door neighbor in my mailbox last week. Now you would think that I’d give my neighbors their card the same day it was put in my box, nope. I don’t know why but for some reason I let the fucking card sit here until I finally threw it in the trash yesterday. I know I’m an asshole and I feel like a total dick. I have no excuse and I am indeed a shitty neighbor now.
DG
Okay fuckers it’s Wednesday again. That means it’s time for you lazy bastards to caption my fuckin photo. Take a look at the picture below, think about what it’s saying to you and caption the damn thing.
DG
So I’m driving home from work yesterday and happened to notice the car in front of me had something that irks the shit out of me for some reason. You see the driver I was behind had obviously updated his license plate registration several times. Now in the state of Florida when you renew your tag they send you out these little yellow registration stickers showing the year that you’re paid up to. When you receive these yellow stickers you’re supposed to affix them to the top right corner of your license plate, not this fucking guy. No this asshole had them scattered around his tag like a fucking retard, yes I got a picture of it. I don’t know why, but every time I see someone do this to their tag I just want to beat the ever living shit out of them. It shouldn’t piss me off I know, but it does. It’s like why in the hell can’t you just place the fucking sticker where it’s supposed to go like everyone else does? Are you that big of a fucking moron that you have to decorate the fucking license plate with all your old stickers, or are you just trying to show everyone that you’ve paid your registration all these years? Whatever the case may be it’s fucking stupid and so is this guy. Here have a look for yourselves.
DG
Oh and if I’m not mistaken I believe that bumper sticker is missing an ‘S’.
I don’t know why, but EVERY time my dog takes a dump he always leaves behind a little pebble of shit on his ass that I am forced to wipe for him. This doesn’t happen once in a while either. No, this happens about once or twice a day when I let him out in the back yard and it gets a little old and disgusting after a while. I’m not sure what it is with him, but for some reason he must have been born with a defect that prevents his ass from squeezing out all of his poop. It’s gross and tends to get to you if you’re forced to wipe a dog’s nasty fucking ass every day. I love my dog don’t get me wrong, but wiping his ass is not one of the things I anticipated having to do when I got him. If any of you know of something I can give him to make his shit come out all the way please be a pal and let me know what it is.
DG
Every year I write a letter to Santa Claus, and every year the fucker never gives me what I want. I figured that even though old Santa keeps stiffing me I might as well keep my tradition going. So here you have it, my letter to Santa 2010.
Dear Santa,
First off let me tell you that I really appreciate all the great stuff you brought me last year, those pairs of underwear that are four sizes too small really came in handy I tell ya. I’ve tried really hard this year to behave and all, but seeing as how I never get anything good for Christmas I really don’t believe in that shit anymore to be quite honest. Every year I ask you for something and you never fucking deliver Santa. Every year I’m on my best behavior and still you stiff me with bullshit presents like socks and fucking stupid ass “As Seen On TV” crap that I end up re-gifting. I hate you for that! I mean is it that fucking hard to bring me a 3D Sony Bravia television and some BluRay pornos that I keep asking for? Or how about that Goddamn water slide that I asked you for a couple years ago? Yeah you know the one I wanted that hooks up to the roof of my house and slides all the way down to my neighbor’s swimming pool, bet your fat ass forgot about that one eh? You fucking suck Santa, you really really do suck major ass.
But it’s all good because this year I’ve got one up on you fatty! That’s right I’ve got a little trick up my sleeve. You see Santa I’m about to have a child of my own. Oh yeah, you heard that right old Doug here is going to be a daddy and you know what that means don’t ya? Yup, I’m going to have a little bad fucking kid who will take over my yearly tradition of harassing you fat boy. I’m going to make sure my child fucks with you so bad that not only will you give him or her whatever the fuck they want, but you’ll give me what I want as well just so I keep my kid away from you. Every mall you’re at, we’ll be there and I’ll make sure my child pisses in your lap and pulls that smoke infested fucking beard off your face each time. Milk and cookies? You can forget about that tubby! Oh no, we’re going to leave some nice laxative chocolate and rotten goat milk for all the times you’ve fucked me by not giving me what I ask for.
That’s right Santa there’s going to be a new Goff coming soon who will ultimately take over my position and continue on the family tradition of fucking with you the big fat asshole who never brings us anything good. So prepare yourself fat boy, this time next year you’ll be wishing that you’d brought me what I asked for. Merry fucking Christmas and checkmate bitch!
DG
It’s hump day and you know what that means right? Fuck yeah, its Caption My Fuckin Photo day! What’s your job as a reader again? Take a look at the picture below, think about what it’s saying to you and add a caption to the damn thing. It isn’t that fucking hard people!
DG
Here we are, another losing season by my home football team the Miami Dolphins. Every year it’s the same old bullshit and I’m fucking sick of it. I’m tired of being a fan of a team who constantly sucks no matter who we sign or who are coach is. It’s just downright fucking sad and disgusting to see the same shit happen year after year. I don’t know why or how we keep sucking so bad, but I really need to find a new team to root for. Thank you Miami Dolphins for ruining yet another season and disappointing all of your lifelong fans you cocksucking sons of a bitches!
DG
I don’t know about the rest of you, but personally I always have an issue when trying to decide what restaurant to go to when my wife and I eat out. It’s always the same thing, “Where do you want to eat at?” “Oh I don’t care wherever is fine.” “Okay how about restaurant ABC?” “Oh no I don’t want that.” “But you said wherever is fine.” “Yeah, anywhere but that place.” “All right let’s go to restaurant DEF.” “Nope, I don’t like that place either.” And this will go on and on for an hour or so until we finally say fuck it and pick something that more than likely neither of us like. Arguing about where to eat is one of the biggest issues I think I’ve ever encountered in a relationship. It sucks!
So my question to you all this week is fairly simple. When picking a place to eat out at with your significant other do you have as much of a pain in the ass time agreeing on a place as I do?
DG
It’s Wednesday yet again peoples! That means it’s your job as a reader to caption my damn photo. Look at the picture below, think about what it’s saying to you and caption the fucking thing.
DG
Comments