Monthly Archive for January, 2011

My only job in life is to keep her off the pole!

Published on January 31, 2011 in Cool Shit. 3 Comments

So most of you are probably wondering where I’ve been. Well, I took a few days off blogging last week because I was at the doctor’s office with my wife and we found out that we are having a BABY GIRL! Yeah you heard that correctly, old Doug has a little baby girl on the way. I’m excited and scared shitless at the same time. My whole outlook on life is about to change forever because I’m now going to be the guy who if you fuck with my daughter I will rip your Goddamn head off. Everything is going to be WAY fucking different now and my only job in life from here on out is to keep my daughter off of the stripper pole! I’m going to be putting in a lot of time and effort to see to it that my child makes it through life successful and becomes a great member of society. I’m going to be the best damn dad I can possibly be and I can’t wait to get started. Keep your little boys far the fuck away though because I will be whooping some ass if I have to!

DG

Caption My Fuckin Photo

Published on January 26, 2011 in Caption My Fuckin Photo. 3 Comments

I’m so sick of explaining to you idiots what captioning a photo means. Just do it already!

DG

cap·tion n.

1. A title, short explanation, or description accompanying an illustration or a photograph.
2. A series of words superimposed on the bottom of television or motion picture frames that communicate dialogue to the hearing-impaired or translate foreign dialogue.
3. A title or heading, as of a document or article.
4. Law The heading of a pleading or other document that identifies the parties, court, term, and number of the action.

Yo Quero Taco Bell?

Published on January 25, 2011 in Things That Make You Go Hmmmm and Weird Fucking News. 2 Comments

So I wakeup this morning to a story on Fox news reporting that an Alabama law firm has filed a class action lawsuit against Taco Bell for false advertising. The company is claiming that Taco Bell is advertising their “seasoned beef” which, are you ready for this, is not 100% beef but more like 15% beef and the rest additives. No shit? Now who would have thunk that? What the fuck do you expect for .69 cents? I mean I never expected anything other than fake beef from Taco Bell, or any other fast food place for that matter. It’s all crap anyway! I really don’t see the point to this lawsuit, as these people don’t want any money. So what is this law firm really trying to accomplish by suing Taco Bell? Do you want them to change their advertising to ‘almost beef’? Would that make you guys feel better? Not for nothing but Alabama has one of the highest incest ratings in the country but yet you all are worried about Taco Bell’s ‘beef’? Fast food is and always will be crap, and as long as you keep your expectations low then you know what you’re getting and shouldn’t be bitching about it. Leave Taco Bell alone and let them serve their fake seasoned beef, because I LOVE that shit!

DG

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9 to 5, 9 to 5 We mother fuckin love our lives!

Published on January 24, 2011 in Cool Shit. 1 Comment

As per usual I’m running a little late today so I want to entertain you all with one of my boy Jon Lajoie’s new songs 9 to 5. Listen to this shit, laugh and have a great fuckin day!

DG

TGIF – Time For Another Friday Question

Published on January 21, 2011 in Doug's Friday Question. 5 Comments

Okay so it Friday bitches! That means I’m going to ask you another dumb question that you probably won’t answer. So I’ve driven all over the United States and I have always wanted to pickup a hitchhiker, but never had the balls to do so. I always thought that if I did pick one up that I’d either get murdered or abducted and used a sex slave for some old farmer. I’ve also been curious as well to see what the experience would really be like. Now my question to you all is very simple. Have you ever picked up a hitchhiker before and if so what was it like? Please elaborate.

DG

Who would have thought SEGA would make a comeback?

Published on January 20, 2011 in Cool Shit and Weird Fucking News. 1 Comment

Check this shit out! You memba Sega, the video game company from back in the day? Well, these guys are making a pretty awesome comeback with their new video game line designed to be used in public urinals. Yes you read that correctly, public urinal video games. How does it work? Well old Sega put a small monitor above the urinals so you can see the game you’re playing. Then they put a pressure sensor on the bottom of the toilet that you control with your stream of piss. Fucking genius huh? They have games like Graffiti Eraser, where graffiti on a wall is removed with a hose. The stronger the pressure of your urine, the faster the wall becomes pristine. Really Sega you guys came up with a great fucking idea and I can’t wait to try one of these out.

DG

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Caption My Fuckin Photo!

Published on January 19, 2011 in Caption My Fuckin Photo. 3 Comments

It’s Wednesday again already! That means YOUR job as a reader is to caption my fuckin photo. Look at the fucking thing and write down what it’s saying to you in the comments section. You got it? Well, what the fuck are you waiting for?

DG

I’m the Zodiac sign formally known as Scorpio.

Published on January 17, 2011 in Daily Bitching. 2 Comments

Okay so unless you’ve been stuck under a rock the last few days I’m sure you have heard that researchers claim they have found a 13th Zodiac sign. Some people are saying this is complete and utter bullshit, while others are saying the claim is valid. I’m not really sure what to believe, but I can tell you one thing, regardless of what the truth is here Astrology is bunch of fucking crap! It’s a bunch of made up bologna created by people who had nothing better to do back in their day other than make shit up for entertainment. Hell I’ve looked at the stars a million times and I still can’t see the any of the shapes of characters these people claim are up there. I can see a 1967 Cadillac convertible up in the night sky, but I sure as hell can’t see any pots, pans, gemini’s or anything else that’s supposed to be up there. You can take a bunch of dots on a piece of paper and draw lines from one to another to create whatever your imagination sees fit, which is the same thing that has been done with this bullshit. It’s fake and no matter what you add or subtract it will still be fucking made up fairy tale garbage that some people choose to believe is real. So don’t get all bent out of shape when some asshole scientist claims that you’re now a Virgo instead of a Scorpio because the shit wasn’t real in the first fucking place. Now excuse me while I go check my daily horoscope to see whether I’m going to have a good day or not.

DG

Seriously, how the hell do you get a half naked man pouring water from 20 dots? And what the fuck are those extra stars for?

Another Friday Fucking Question

Published on January 14, 2011 in Doug's Friday Question. 1 Comment

Okay so it’s Friday, I’m tired as hell and I want you fuckers to answer my question. Do you all remember how fucking hard it used to be to get a damn VCR to record your favorite TV show? I mean did anyone EVER get those damn things to work the right way?

DG

Caption My Fuckin Photo!

Published on January 12, 2011 in Caption My Fuckin Photo. 3 Comments

For those of you who don’t know, or are just simply retarded, this is my weekly caption contest. There really isn’t a winner and there aren’t any prizes so it’s not the best of contests, but it’s still fun. So look at the photo below, think about what it’s saying to you and caption the fucking thing!

DG