Monthly Archive for February, 2011

I need a lawn service!

Published on February 28, 2011 in Daily Bitching. 1 Comment

I’m one of those people who enjoys cutting my grass and keeping the outside of my housing looking extra fuckin tidy. Just about every weekend I’m out doing something or other to try and keep my shit looking nice and neat. Normally maintaining one’s lawn is no big fucking deal, but with me it has to turn into a pain in the ass. You see it’s not the actual yard work I’m bitching about today, no it’s the asshole people who feel the need to bust my balls while I’m out working in the yard. I can’t just go out, cut the grass in a timely manner and be done with the shit. Instead I head out front and get bombarded by people who I normally would not want to be talking to. Yes, certain people who I’d like to avoid have been catching me outside while I’m working on my yard and it’s almost like I’ve got an unfair advantage against them. It’s like these fucking weirdos have some type of radar where they can sense when I head out front and immediately they show up to bust my fucking balls. Normally if they knock on my door I can simply ignore them, but it’s kinda hard to hide when you’re standing in the middle of the fucking yard. I’m now considering hiring a lawn service to take my place because honestly I’d rather pay a few dollars than have to be subjected to dealing with people that I’ve been trying so hard to avoid. Pretty soon I’m moving the fuck away and I’m not letting ANYONE know where my new place is.

DG

Time for another Friday question bitches!

Published on February 25, 2011 in Doug's Friday Question. 3 Comments

Here’s a topic that really bothers the fuck outta me. Have you ever been waiting in traffic at a long stop light and all of a sudden some asshole on a motorcycle comes from all the way at the end of the line by driving through the cars and ends up passing you, making it to the front of the line and through the light while you get stuck? Who the fuck do you motorcycle people think you are and what makes you bastards so special that you feel that you’re allowed to cut everyone else in line? Weren’t you taught in grade school that you’re NOT supposed to cut the line? Doesn’t that shit just piss you the fuck off when it happens?

DG

Breakin the law, breakin the law!!

Published on February 24, 2011 in Daily Bitching and Only In Hollywood. 1 Comment

So Tuesday on my way home from work I got stopped by the police in this big sting. Why you say? Well, because on my way home I travel down US 441 and at 5:00pm traffic is backed up for about a mile due to the stop lights never working properly and only letting 5-6 cars through the light at a time. Every day I usually cut through an EMPTY parking lot to avoid waiting at the light for 20 fucking minutes. Well Tuesday the Hollywood police department had FOUR police officers setup in the parking lot there to ticket all the people cutting through. Of course they stopped me in my bright orange VW Bus and asked where I was going. I politely told them I was going the fuck home, and they politely gave me a ticket for “Cutting through private property to avoid a traffic device”. Now wait a Goddamn minute here! I didn’t cut through the parking lot to avoid the traffic light, I cut through the parking lot to avoid traffic! Big difference if you ask me.

Now the thing that really pisses me off about this whole thing is the fact that instead of spending a few bucks to fix the stop light, so traffic will flow better, the city of Hollywood instead pays FOUR fucking police officer’s salaries to sit in an empty parking lot and ticket people on their way home from work. That wouldn’t be so bad if our city was a small town with little crime, but when I gotta dodge crackheads and drug dealers to simply walk to the store something is terribly wrong when these policemen are ticketing ME for some bullshit ‘crime’. I think it’s a waste of taxpayer’s money and total fucking bullshit that these guys had nothing else better to do than ticket daily commuters for simply trying to get home on time. I’m sure there were no other crimes going on in Hollywood that day right? I mean we’re only like the highest rated city for crime in all of South Florida. Thank you Hollywood police, I feel WAY more safe now that all those regular old people who work for a living got tickets while the rest of the city’s crack fiends were out robbing and killing people. Good job guys!

DG

Caption My Fuckin Photo!

Published on February 23, 2011 in Caption My Fuckin Photo. 1 Comment

It’s Wednesday again peoples! That means we’re halfway through the work week and it’s time to caption my fuckin photo. Take a look at the picture below, think about what the hell it’s saying to you and caption the shit. Trust me it really isn’t that hard.

DG

Is it that hard to flush the fucking toilet?

Published on February 22, 2011 in Daily Bitching. 2 Comments

So last night while I was out to eat I had to use the restroom to take a piss. Well, the place that I was at had one of those bathrooms where there was only one toilet. As I went in to relieve myself I noticed a lonely turd floating in the toilet where I was about to leave my piss. Fuckin gross eh? The worst part is that there was no toilet paper accompanying that piece of shit floating in there meaning that whoever left it did not wipe their ass! Now I don’t know about the rest of you, but to me there is nothing more disturbing than having to flush someone else’s shit. It’s gross, unsanitary and to be quite honest it’s not that hard to do if it’s YOUR turd. So if you’re one of these people who feels the need to leave the rest of us a present when you use the bathroom, please fucking stop! Personally I love taking shits, but I damn sure don’t want to see someone else’s.

DG

Watch out for the flying dildos!

Published on February 21, 2011 in Weird Fucking News. 1 Comment

Okay so it’s Monday, I’m again late for work and I have this dumb fucking story to share. Read the heading below and then I’ll continue.

“THE best man at a wedding was left battered and bloodied after he was hit in the head by a fast-moving dildo.”

Yes, you read that correctly! This Australian dude was at a bachelor party for his buddy, who was getting married obviously, and their entertainment was a stripper who magically shot dildos out of her vaginal region. Apparently the best man got hit in the eye with one of the dildo projectiles and was left bloody and bruised. Now I don’t know about the rest of you out there, but I probably would not have gone to the news about this whole situation had that been me. I mean it’s not really a big deal to be quite honest, although it is pretty funny to get hit in the head with a dildo and start bleeding. I guess you can say this guy is a real dick head!

DG

Click here for the full story.

Friday Question

Published on February 18, 2011 in Doug's Friday Question. 1 Comment

Here’s a topic that really bites my ass. Why do people who can barely even spell the word computer buy these damn smart phones and wonder why the fuck they can’t use them? If you buy an iPhone, Android, Blackberry or any other smartphone you should be required by law to take an IQ test first!

DG

Caption My Fuckin Photo!

Published on February 16, 2011 in Caption My Fuckin Photo. 3 Comments

Ah yes, it’s just another fuckin Wednesday isn’t it? That means it’s YOUR job as a reader to caption my fuckin photo. Take a look at the picture below, think about what it’s saying to you and add damn caption to the thing!

DG

Happy Valentine’s Day, Sorry About That Whole Rape Thing!

Published on February 14, 2011 in Weird Fucking News. 3 Comments

Here’s a great way to start out your Valentine’s day! A 28 year old Wisconsin man, David B. Pedrazoli, has been accused of raping a woman while she was passed out after the two spent Christmas night getting shit faced together. Apparently the young woman woke up the next morning with old Dave here on top of her and he tried to play it off like nothing happened.

“Pedrazoli initially denied anything happened, according to the complaint, but later discouraged the woman from going to the doctor and bought her a “morning after” birth control pill and a sympathy card. The victim also showed police apologetic text messages from Pedrazoli.”

How thoughtful of him to get her a morning after pill and a sympathy card. I mean that totally makes up for butt fucking her all night while she laid there passed out on her bedroom floor. What the fuck was going through this guy’s mind where he thought being apologetic for raping this woman was going to make things all better? Let this be a lesson to all you women out there, if you get shit faced drunk with someone you barely know it’s probably NOT a good idea to invite them back to your home if you don’t want to get violated while you lay helpless on the floor. Happy Valentine’s day and watch out for all the crazy fuckers out there.

DG

Click here for the full story!

Friday Question Time!

Published on February 11, 2011 in Doug's Friday Question. 2 Comments

Happy Friday to all you hard working assholes out there! This week I have a pretty interesting question to ask of you all. Why is it that Girl Scout cookies are only sold seasonally? Wouldn’t it be more profitable for the Girl Scout crew to be selling the damn things all year round? And why in the fuck are those cookies so damn addicting? They’re like fuckin crack!!

DG