Monthly Archive for October, 2011

No matter how old I get, I’ll never ‘grow up’!

Published on October 28, 2011 in Daily Bitching. 2 Comments

Tomorrow is my 31st birthday. Yup, ole Doug here is now technically ‘in his thirties’. But no matter how old I get, or how much more responsibility I have, I’m still a kid at heart. I like my toys, my video games and my cars which is something that I will never change. I enjoy the fun stuff in life and I’m gonna try my damned hardest to keep it that way. Sure I’m a grownup, and I take care of my family, but I still enjoy playing with all my stuff just as much as I did when I was a child. I’m not going to let something like age get in the way of me having my fun, no sir. I vouch to keep doing what I’ve always done and that is to have some fucking fun in life. I may be getting older in age, but definitely not in spirit.

DG

The great mystery of the missing dish soap.

Published on October 27, 2011 in Daily Bitching and Things That Make You Go Hmmmm. 2 Comments

I don’t know what the reason is, or how it keeps on happening, but for some reason we’re ALWAYS out of dish soap at my house. It seems like every single fuckin time I go to wash my hands, or wash a dish, the dish soap dispenser never has any soap in it. My wife and I will go to the grocery store, purchase two of the biggest bottles of dish soap they carry and for some reason the damn thing is forever empty. We can’t explain where it’s going, or how we’re using so much, but it’s getting to the point where I think someone is totally fucking with me. There has to be some type of dish soap gnomes sneaking into our house in the middle of the night and stealing our dish soap for their evil doing. That has to be the answer because there’s just no other explanation for it. We buy dish soap, it disappears. We buy dish soap again, yup disappears again. I honestly think I’m going to have to stay up all night and guard my kitchen sink with a shotgun in hopes that I can find out who, or what, is stealing my damn dish soap. I just don’t get it. Why me?

DG

Are all those label tags really necessary?

Published on October 25, 2011 in Daily Bitching. 2 Comments

Now that I’m a father I tend to look at things in a different perspective. I notice more and more that I analyze the safety of everything my child is exposed to. Lately I’ve noticed that children’s toy and clothes manufacturers put an overabundance of labels and ‘safety’ stickers on all of their items. Those plastic label attachment tags are the ones that I mostly see, and it’s like these companies put 5 or 6 of the damn things all over new stuff. You have no fuckin idea what I’m talking about do you? I’m referring to those clear plastic strings that hold on price tags, labels or whatever else is attached to new merchandise. I just don’t see why they put these on children’s items. When you cut them off they fly everywhere and are almost impossible to find sometimes. This scares the shit outta me because I’m afraid my child will get ahold of one of them, put it in her mouth and choke. I just don’t understand why you companies continue to use these things for baby and kid stuff when they seem so dangerous. Especially when you put 10 of them on one fucking shirt. We’ve used these dumb things for years, maybe it’s time for a change?

DG

So you ran outta gas huh?

Published on October 24, 2011 in Daily Bitching. 1 Comment

I don’t know how many times this has happened to me, but let’s just say it’s been a lot. You go to a gas station, or corner store, and someone comes up to you explaining that they just “ran outta gas” and that they need a few bucks to get gas and go home to their sick mother, crying baby or whatever story they give you. You either tell them to get the hell away from you, or you fall for their scheme and give them ‘gas money’. What do they do next? They move onto the next unsuspecting fool and try to get some more fucking money. It’s probably one of the oldest scams in the book and you know damn well most of these people don’t even have a car to put gas in. Even if they do have a car they damn sure aren’t going to use that said money for fuel. It’s just frustrating the way I see it because if you are like me you don’t want to be bothered by these people when you go out somewhere. I just want to go to the store, get my shit and be left alone. It’s as simple as that. If I gave a dollar to every person who asks me for money I’d be broke as hell. It just sucks that just about everywhere you go nowadays there seems to be someone begging for money. I understand that people are broke and the economy sucks, but I’m still not giving any of you a Goddamn dime.

DG

Watch out for those thin walls!

Published on October 19, 2011 in Daily Bitching. 1 Comment

Ah so yesterday was one of those days to say the least. You see I happened to overhear a conversation between two people talking major shit about me. I was in a room next to them, with very thin walls, and I could clearly hear these two going on and on slandering the hell out of me. It was one of those, “Oh that’s what you think about me” moments that opened my eyes to how some people really are. They will be nice to you in person, but the moment you walk away the bullshit trash talk begins. I’m not going to go into detail as to what they were exactly saying, but the two douches that this shit talking was coming from is completely unmerited. It’s funny how both of them always need something from me, but yet they can sit around and verbally attack me when they think I’m not around. It’s okay though because the sources that this bad mouthing came from are two total dip shits and fuck ups at life. I’m taking it with stride and now I know what these assholes think about me so I know from now on not to do a fucking thing for either of them. Next time make sure the walls aren’t so thin and be sure the person you are insulting can’t hear you, fucktards.

DG

Nice motorcycle, I hope you fall off of it!

Published on October 18, 2011 in Daily Bitching and Only In Hollywood. 1 Comment

Ah so my punk ass neighbor kid, who is always in trouble with the law by the way, decided he was going to buy himself a shiny new loud motorcycle. Now I have no problem with anyone owning a motorcycle, that’s your decision if you want to risk your life everyday. But this kid is just a total fucking asshole with the way he rides this thing. He feels the need to try and pop wheelies while speeding 100mph down the street. He also likes to drive the damn thing around the block over and over again so he can show all of us other neighbors how cool he is. And worst of all he likes to do both of these things at 1AM when my newborn baby has just finally fallen asleep. I mean his level of coolness is just totally through the roof, you know you have to be really special to drive your crotch rocket around and around fifty fucking times to wake everyone within a mile radius up. That’s just the coolest thing anyone could possibly do, not. This kid is a Goddamn tool and honestly I’m tired of this shit. Sure you can call the cops on him, but with all the budget cuts going on down here they could care less. Even if they do come by the time they get here the kid is inside so it’s kind of pointless. I’m thinking maybe it’s time for a nice strong piece of metal cable strung out on the road that will lift up and the flick of a button. You know, that way I can help him with his wheelies and other neat tricks.

DG

Leave the kids out of it!

Published on October 14, 2011 in Daily Bitching. 0 Comments

If there’s one thing that I can’t stand it’s when people use their children as a way to get back at their other half when they argue. When they put kids in the middle of their fights, or use them as a crutch to punish the other for whatever the hell they are bickering about, it’s completely unfair to the young ones involved. If you all are fighting with one another it’s just wrong to even let your kids know that you are upset with each other in the first place. Children should be totally unaware when their parents are feuding because what you all are basically doing is scarring them for life. If a child sees his or her parents fighting like cats and dogs, then when they grow up they will believe that type of behavior is acceptable. That’s when the everlasting cycle of verbal and physical abuse trickles down from generation to generation. If you’re going to fight stop and think for a second, “hey, can my kids hear me?” If there’s any possibility that they can then go outside or save the fight for when they are not around. All you’re doing is hurting your children in the long run. All because you feel the need to argue over petty bullshit. It’s not the kid’s fault that their parents are assholes and don’t know how to get along. Leave them out of it and settle your differences without them being subjected to your foolishness.

DG

Porn School?

Published on October 13, 2011 in Daily Bitching and Things That Make You Go Hmmmm. 2 Comments

So yesterday morning as I was checking my email I happened to notice a new one come through to my junk folder. Normally I delete these without even looking, but yesterday this one in particular caught my eye. It’s from an adult porn site claiming that they can help me start a career in pornography. Here’s what that email said…

If you’re interested in making money in the adult industry, I have some good news…and some bad news.

THE GOOD NEWS:
X-Rated University opened access to their online VIP Coaching Program, teaching all the secrets how to make money in the adult industry.

People wanting to learn how to get in this $10+ billion per year industry have already jumped on-board.

X-Rated University has built a really cool community for those looking to start their own adult business, become a producer, run a paysite, begin a career working for a major adult company, being a pornstar…or just living the life of being surrounded by beautiful women all day.

THE BAD NEWS:
They’re only letting 50 people into their training program.
After that, access to the program will be closed off.

Well I’ll be damned! Can you believe this one? I mean it sounds like a pretty good idea if you think about it. The economy is in a total shit hole right now and there are many people out there who just cannot seem to find a job. You’ve got educated people working at McDonalds or cleaning floors just to make ends meet and times are really tough. Now while I don’t condone someone sucking dick for money, I do however believe that in America you should be able to make a decent living without having to totally bust your ass. So if any of you out there are interested you can contact X-Rated University to get your degree in pornology. What will they think of next?

DG

Oh, and if you’re close to my age I’m sure you used to watch porn like this as a kid.

Is it that hard to put the right disc in the right box?

Published on October 11, 2011 in Daily Bitching. 2 Comments

Today I would like to discuss the process of taking out a DVD or video game from their proper packaging and not returning them to the same box. Let me explain here. You see what happens is someone takes a DVD out to watch it, or video game out to play, and then once they’re done the disc is left in the player. The next time someone goes to watch or play something else they first get the box of the new movie or game they want, then they realize that there is already a disc in the machine they want to use, they take that one out and replace it with the different one that was in there. This process then repeats itself several times to the point where none of the DVD or game boxes have the original media inside them leaving you with a clusterfucked puzzle of trying to figure out what goes where. As you can imagine this can be quite frustrating, especially if you own several hundred DVDs and video games. I don’t know why it’s so hard to put the original disc back in the original box, because for some reason this shit seems to happen at everyone’s house. Sure it may sound petty now, but wait until you mixup the porno with the Disney and see what happens then.

DG

Toddlers in Tiaras eh?

Published on October 6, 2011 in Daily Bitching and Things That Make You Go Hmmmm. 1 Comment

Since I was already on the topic of shitty TLC shows this week, I figured why not add one more? Today I’d like to complain about the TLC show Toddlers in Tiaras. Now I could go on and on about the immoral and tasteless shit that this show is representing, but I’ll keep it plain and simple. These ‘parents’ are portraying their kids on this show like they do dogs at pedigree shows. You’ve got these overweight, talentless mothers who obviously have been ugly and oppressed all their lives so they’re living out their dreams of being pretty through their children. It’s sickening! The pressure to be the prettiest and best that these little girls have to deal with has got to be very bad for these kid’s self esteem and future outlook on life. It’s sad to see the way they act and I can’t believe these people can look themselves in the mirror everyday after forcing their children to be subjected to this shit. You know for sure that the kids didn’t get the idea to do this on their own. And the absolute worst part about the show in it’s entirety is that it’s a Goddamn pedophile’s dream show! Think about it, who else wants to see little girls dress and act like that? Certainly not me! But you can bet your ass that there’s plenty of creepy old men out there masturbating to reruns of this shit that they saved on Tivo. It’s a shame that because of the selfishness these parents have that their children will never know what it’s like to be a regular old kid, playing outside and acting like a normal child should. The parents and the people at TLC ought to be ashamed of themselves for allowing this garbage to be aired on television and subjecting these children to this shit. What is the fuckin world coming to?

DG