08 February 2010
Written by
Doug (
)
Published on February 8th, 2010 @ 07:35:50 am, using 190 words, 20 views
So yesterday I was out at a Superbowl party with a group of friends. I was doing my normal mingling with everyone and I happened to notice an older guy sporting a pair of velcro strapped shoes. I looked down and couldn’t believe that a grown ass man was wearing these ugly fucking sneakers, probably because he doesn’t know how to tie laces. Seriously, velcro shoes? Come on now I haven’t seen a pair of those since I was in kindergarten. And even then I wouldn’t wear them because everyone made fun of you for not being able to tie your fucking shoes. Someone needs to tell these idiots that the only people who can wear velcro shoes and not get made fun of are retards. If you’re not 4 years old or a mongoloid you should NOT be wearing these fucking things, EVER! So if you have a pair of these in your closet or on your feet do yourselves a favor and throw the damn things away. Trust me they are not fashionable and everywhere you go you’re getting made fun of.
DG
05 February 2010
Written by
Doug (
)
Published on February 5th, 2010 @ 07:23:58 am, using 86 words, 27 views
Okay so this week’s question might offend some people but honestly I really don’t give two shits about anyone’s feelings in case you all didn’t know. No I’m not racist, but this is one of those life questions we all have that seem to go unanswered. You ready? Why is it that the fattest, trashiest and most disgusting white girls always date the skinniest and scrawniest black guys? Seriously if anyone knows the true answer to this I have a fresh 100 dollar bill for you.
DG
04 February 2010
Written by
Doug (
)
Published on February 4th, 2010 @ 07:46:38 am, using 154 words, 39 views
So yesterday a friend of mine sent me this Facebook posting via email and I laughed so hard that I almost pissed my pants. Apparently some dude had a 12 pack of beer in his room and his sister ratted him out to his parents. The kid got grounded for three fucking months because his sis decided she wanted to be a snitch. Well he didn’t take getting grounded lightly and opted to seek revenge on his bitch of a sister. What did he do? He rummaged through his sister’s room, found her ‘hookup list’ of guys she wanted to fuck, posted it on Facebook and then tagged all the guys who were on the list. I gotta give this kid a lot of credit because this is the ultimate payback and is very fucking funny. Do you all see now why I don’t have a Facebook account?
DG
Click here for the full post.
03 February 2010
Written by
Doug (
)
Published on February 3rd, 2010 @ 07:51:41 am, using 560 words, 37 views
As most of you may know I happen to have a big smelly bulldog. Also my wife has a little Jack Russell terrier. Normally these two dogs get along quite well with each other and hardly ever give us any problems, until just recently. Over the past week or so my wife’s dog has been in heat and neither of these two fuckers are fixed. What does that mean? Oh yes the bulldog has been trying to fuck the shit out of the Jack Russell, and the Jack Russell has no problem letting him. It’s been like some big horny fuck a thon in my house lately and we’ve had to keep the two of them separated.
The problem is that the Jack Russell is a horny little bitch who keeps throwing her ass in my bulldog’s face all day long. This prompts my dog to want to keep chasing her around everywhere and he’s so frustrated about not getting laid that all he keeps thinking about is getting his piece of ass. Well the other night we had a little issue where he almost got what he had been looking for. Let me give you a break down of how this all went if the dogs could talk.
Jack Russell – “Hey you see this nice booty I’m throwing in your face?”
Bulldog – “Yeah baby let me lick it a few times.” Which he did!!!!
Jack Russell – “Oh yeah right there, lick it then stick it baby!”
Me – “Hey Goddamn it will the two of you cut that shit out???”
Jack Russell – “Oh fuck him lets go to the other end of the house where they can’t see us”
Bulldog – “I’ll follow you around anywhere baby you know I love you.”
Jack Russell – “Okay here they can’t see us hurry up and get it in.”
Bulldog – “You don’t gotta tell me twice!”
He then proceeds to get on top of her
My wife – “Doug they’re doing it! Oh my God get him off her!”
Me – “Goddamn it will the two of you please knock this shit off already I’m getting sick and tired of watching dog porn all day!”
I then try to separate them
My wife – “Holy shit Doug look he’s peeing all over her!”
Me – “Um honey that is NOT pee!!”
Yup that’s right my dog busted a big ass nut all over the other dog and across the floor of my home office. There was doggy cum all over the fucking floor all the way across the room. What does that mean? Yes for the first time in my life I saw dog cum and since he’s my dog I had to clean the shit up. At first I thought the two of them flirting with each other was hysterically funny and amusing. But once I found myself mopping up a big load of dog jizm I changed my mind about this all being a joke. So let my misfortune be a lesson to the rest of you all out there. Do yourselves a big favor and get your fucking dogs fixed. You can bet that I’m making an appointment now to get my dog’s nuts clipped ASAP. Trust me you DON’T want to clean up dog cum!
DG
02 February 2010
Written by
Doug (
)
Published on February 2nd, 2010 @ 07:25:40 am, using 791 words, 35 views
So yesterday I got an email from my cousin in North Carolina. He was looking for a car on Craigslist and stumbled upon this weird fucking posting of someone trying to sell a ‘zombie removal assault van’. Yes you read that correctly a zombie removal assault van, and for just $2,000.00 you can own this thing. Seeing as I am a little pressed for time today this is all you’re going to get from me. Enjoy!
DG
Here’s the entire article, but in case you think I’m lying click here.
Trust me. I don’t take you for a blithering idiot, and neither will anyone else when they see you driving this fully developed zombie removal assault van. You’re probably thinking to yourself, “Zombies? We don’t have a zombie problem.” True, but scientists the world over are running wild with research in bio-warfare, advanced medicine, and ionic hairdryers. It is only a matter of weeks before it will start! …and by ‘it’ I of course mean the start of a genetic alteration even God himself cannot prevent, nor will his divine thrown over the living and dead be able to control. The LIVING DEAD will rise and feast for our brains! It will start as a news blip from some bumfuck town you’ve never heard of. A blip you’ll hear with your ears and see with your eyes, but you will carelessly toss from your mind as easily as you have forgotten that high fructose corn syrup is making you fat. But ever so soon, the news will turn from blips to a constant siren of horrible stories about a monstrous disease spreading across this great land. By then, it will be too late for most of us. Hoards, once in the hundreds, but now in the millions, will stampede their disease induced flesh rampage onto every street and backyard around the world. Clawing and stomping, tearing and biting, they will bring an end to humanity as we know it, except for the lucky few people who manage to escape in this van!
It will be these few that will lead a battle, using this van as their bladed chariot, that will give hope to the future of the human race. This van will be the salvation of everything we know and love. It will be the centerpiece of stories told by our children’s children for years to come. But for now, it’s taking up space in my driveway and I could use some extra cash for a motorcycle.
The van is a 1978 GMC Gypsy Vandura. It has a 292 cu. in. Goodwrench straight six that was installed in the late 80’s. The motor has about 20K miles on it and the rest of the rig has about 130K miles. The two previous owners before me were father and son, and drove it very little. They used it as a work van. Since buying it, I’ve installed an interior and all the zombie gear. The paint is solid, but is very crappily done (i.e. good polyurethane paint/primer but was hand brushed on?). Here’s the breakdown:
Good:
-Reads ” NC CDC - US Department of Zombie Removal” on each side of the van.
-Solid motor with a holley fuel controller (carb was replaced with an injector)
-New alternator (100 miles on it)
-Fresh brake job (turned rotors/drums, new pads, repacked wheel bearings) (20 miles ago)
-New Brake booster
-New tires front, Long life huge tires rear (bfg all terrain T/A 31X9.5)
-I have two spare rims for another set of large tires if you want to make matching sets
-New water pump gaskets/thermo gaskets, new thermostat
-heat works great
-new CD/MP3 player with external ipod/mp3 player input
-600W MTX amp with 12″ subwoofer (i have a spare sub to throw in as well)
-New pioneer two way speakers (4 of them and they are LOUD)
-New Roof mounted fog lamps (Yellow)
-Barbed wire, gas can, camouflage pop tent stored on roof
-Interior upgrades including nice pegasus and unicorn paintings, wood paneling, and a bench seat that folds into a bed with storage.
-Side mount cherry bomb exhaust!
-New Shocks all around to Gildan heavy duty, and new sway bushings.
-new rear roof pop vent and luxary head liner.
Bad:
-The power steering fluid reservoir outlet hose leaks a bit. I’ve just been topping off the reservoir every so often since I’ve owned it and haven’t felt compelled to fix it.
-Other people will be jealous of your safety and preparedness.
I have the title and am interested in offers, but trust me, low balling will only leave skin on the concrete, and will not get you my van…$2000 (no trades for your tractor, your equally silly vehicle, or tickets to local sporting events).
01 February 2010
Written by
Doug (
)
Published on February 1st, 2010 @ 07:58:14 am, using 271 words, 31 views
Okay so this one of those things that I am sure happens to all of us. You’re on a phone call with another person and all of a sudden that call fails leaving you without someone to talk to. What happens next? Both of you try calling the other back several fucking times and you get the others voicemail. Why? Because you two dipshits are calling each other at the same Goddamn time. This goes on for several minutes until one of you decides to give up and the other caller finally gets through so you can finish your conversation. By this time the both of you are so pissed off about trying to get the other back on the phone that you totally forget what the hell you were just talking about.
Isn’t that shit fucking annoying? I think that whenever you call a person the two of you should come to an agreement at the beginning of the conversation that only ONE of you will be the caller backer should that phone call fail. This way we can all avoid the being sent to voicemail thing several times because we’re both too fucking stupid to realize that we’re calling the other at the same time. Wouldn’t that just make life a lot easier and way less frustrating? So please people let’s all come to an agreement now with the people we talk to on a daily basis about who will be the official caller backer when experiencing a dropped call. By doing this you are saving yourselves a shit load of aggravation.
DG
29 January 2010
Written by
Doug (
)
Published on January 29th, 2010 @ 07:35:19 am, using 235 words, 37 views
Even though we have woman’s rights, and there are more and more women doing men type things, I still always hear that women are not as equal to men as they should be. And it’s true women are not equal to men for one very specific reason, men can pee while standing up. Yup to me that is our biggest advantage over women because us guys can just whip our dicks out and take a piss anywhere, where as you women have to pull your pants down and squat. Well all that has finally changed with this simple device called the SheWee. What’s the SheWee you ask? Well it’s one of the most simple, but very intuitive, inventions ever created. The SheWee is a funnel like contraption that allows women to take a piss while standing up and without having to pull their pants all the way down, just like the guys. That’s right ladies you all can now finally become one of the boys. All you need to do is head on over to ShePee.org and order yourselves one of these neat little SheWees so that you can finally be as equal to us as you’ve always wanted to be. Thanks SheWee for talking the woman’s rights movement one step further!
DG
Here’s some instructions on how this thing works. Click here if you want to purchase one!
28 January 2010
Written by
Doug (
)
Published on January 28th, 2010 @ 07:50:59 am, using 348 words, 45 views
So yesterday I was speaking with someone and I had one of those embarrassing moments that you try to ignore. What happened is that as I was talking to this woman explaining a few things and all of a sudden I had a little ball of spit, and or food, fly out of my mouth and on to this woman’s shirt sleeve. I know she saw it because when shit like this happens to any of us it seems like the spit just comes out in slow motion. Neither of us said anything to each other and we both just ignored the fact that I nastily spat on this woman’s shirt. Still we both noticed it and I’m sure she was probably grossed the fuck out by my flying spit ball.
It’s like there’s some code that we all have when accidental spit flies out of our mouths onto others. It seems as if no one will ever acknowledge the spit flying whether they are the spitter or the receiver of the spit. I think we all just blow it off like nothing happened to save ourselves the embarrassment of having to tell the other “hey close your mouth when you talk because you fucking spit on me” or “sorry that I just spit on you during our conversation”. I don’t think anyone wants to accept the fact that bodily fluids were just exchanged in a gross manner.
Still this happens to the best of us and sometimes you just can’t avoid it no matter how hard you try. It’s like that spit is just in your mouth saying “get me the fuck outta here” at the worst of times and seems to fly out on it’s own. So because I completely understand the nature of unintentional spit flying I will continue to follow the spit code. If someone accidentally shoots a flying ball of spit in my face while we’re talking I won’t say a fucking word about it. You all should do the same!
DG
27 January 2010
Written by
Doug (
)
Published on January 27th, 2010 @ 07:46:56 am, using 319 words, 36 views
So I have to admit that I am a HUGE American Idol fan. I’ve been watching since the first season aired and have been hooked ever since. I think the show gives America a chance to locate some great talent in some of these singers, which is why I think AI is one of the best shows ever created. Now over the past several years I have complained about Paula Abdul and how she never seemed to shut the fuck up with her stupid ramblings. Paula would also appear to be a little bit fucked up at times with her slurred speech and dumb ass comments. I thought that she was a total idiot on the show and she always seemed to annoy the ever-living shit out of me. But now that Paula is no longer on American Idol anymore I honestly believe that the judging part of the show is going to shit because of her absence.
I think that even though Paula acted like a total she-douche that still she brought a lot of character to the show. This new bitch, Kara DioGuardi, lacks the skill that Paula had when it comes to adding a little more entertainment to watch. Sure Paula was always fucked up, and some really dumb shit came out of her mouth, but it was fun to watch. Now that she’s gone American Idol just doesn’t seem to be the same anymore. I hate to say this but I really DO miss seeing Paula Abdul act like an idiot every week. The show sucks now Fox and I think you all should do whatever you can to bring back Paula. I’m sure your ratings aren’t as good as they used to be and not having Paula Abdul anymore is the reason why. Bring back the funny inebriated judge and get rid of the not so talented one!
DG
26 January 2010
Written by
Doug (
)
Published on January 26th, 2010 @ 07:41:37 am, using 242 words, 38 views
So yesterday I had the pleasure of meeting some asshole that came into my office and decided it would be a good idea to talk REALLY loud on his cell phone right in front of me. Not only was this moron screaming on the fucking phone he was also talking to the other person on speaker. This went on for about an hour or so and really started to piss me the fuck off. I had to eventually ask this said person politely to please shut the fuck up, as he was screaming like a damn buffoon. It’s like seriously is that shit really necessary? Do you make it a habit of coming into people’s place of business and talking so loud that nobody else can hear a damn thing on purpose, or are you just that fucking stupid that you don’t realize how loud you actually are? And the speaker phone thing, what’s the deal with that shit? Not only are you talking extremely loud but now you’ve got some other asshole just like you screaming back through the damn thing. Have some common fucking courtesy for other people and take your loud phone call outside of the building. No one gives a fuck about your conversation, or you, so please do us all a favor and SHUT THE FUCK UP!
If you don’t agree with me here then YOU are part of the problem!
DG
25 January 2010
Written by
Doug (
)
Published on January 25th, 2010 @ 07:34:18 am, using 88 words, 78 views
Seeing as the first season of MTV’s Jersey Shore is now over I decided that I would like to try out for the casting of their next season. I went ahead and created my very own Jersey Shore audition tape the other day and I’m thinking about sending this in to the folks at MTV. So go ahead and watch the video below and tell me this, wouldn’t I be the perfect fucking addition to that stupid ass show?
YOU NEED ME MTV!! 
DG
22 January 2010
Written by
Doug (
)
Published on January 22nd, 2010 @ 07:22:22 am, using 123 words, 77 views
Okay so I’m taking my Friday question to the next level this week by sharing a recently banned commercial that was set to air in France for AIDS awareness. This commercial below was created by a foundation called Aides, a French based company helping to fight the spread of HIV. Supposedly the asshole French government decided that airing this commercial was a bad idea and they banned it from ever being released. Well thanks to good old YouTube we all can now enjoy a little AIDS awareness today. So go ahead and watch this very creative ad below by the Aides guys. After you watch it then tell me, should this commercial be allowed on television?
DG
Aides Graffiti
Permanent Link
