Archive for the 'Only In Hollywood' Category

Some people have serious balls!

Published on January 2, 2012 in Daily Bitching and Only In Hollywood. 1 Comment

So last night my wife and I were sitting on the couch watching a movie, when all of a sudden we heard a loud scream. We look out of our window to see our neighbor across the street walking around frantically like something was seriously wrong. We then wen’t outside to see what the hell was going on. Come to find out our neighbors had been fuckin ROBBED! The worst part? My wife and I were home the whole time while the robbery took place. Now me being the good neighbor that I am, I immediately let the cops know that I have a surveillance system and invited them in to review the tape. Sure as hell these people’s home had been broken into while we were sitting right there by two guys on bicycles. You can see in the video that they were going back in forth on their bikes carrying whatever it was that they could get their hands on. It was really disturbing, especially because these fuckers were going right by our house while we were here at 8:00 at night. My wife and I felt really bad for this woman and her young child because you could see they were really scared by all this, actually so were we. I just can’t believe that these assholes had the balls to rob those nice people so early in the evening and while we were home, and right after Christmas. This city is turning more and more into a third world country and the sooner my family and I get outta here the better. I do however know what these bastards look like, and you can bet that if I see them around here again they will be caught. This isn’t my first rodeo when it comes to catching criminals in my neighborhood and I have no problem doing it again.

DG

Nice motorcycle, I hope you fall off of it!

Published on October 18, 2011 in Daily Bitching and Only In Hollywood. 1 Comment

Ah so my punk ass neighbor kid, who is always in trouble with the law by the way, decided he was going to buy himself a shiny new loud motorcycle. Now I have no problem with anyone owning a motorcycle, that’s your decision if you want to risk your life everyday. But this kid is just a total fucking asshole with the way he rides this thing. He feels the need to try and pop wheelies while speeding 100mph down the street. He also likes to drive the damn thing around the block over and over again so he can show all of us other neighbors how cool he is. And worst of all he likes to do both of these things at 1AM when my newborn baby has just finally fallen asleep. I mean his level of coolness is just totally through the roof, you know you have to be really special to drive your crotch rocket around and around fifty fucking times to wake everyone within a mile radius up. That’s just the coolest thing anyone could possibly do, not. This kid is a Goddamn tool and honestly I’m tired of this shit. Sure you can call the cops on him, but with all the budget cuts going on down here they could care less. Even if they do come by the time they get here the kid is inside so it’s kind of pointless. I’m thinking maybe it’s time for a nice strong piece of metal cable strung out on the road that will lift up and the flick of a button. You know, that way I can help him with his wheelies and other neat tricks.

DG

I don’t think Budweiser sells packs like this!

Published on June 16, 2011 in Daily Bitching and Only In Hollywood. 5 Comments

One of my favorite things to do after a stressful day or working out in the yard is to have an ice cold beer. Usually I’ll buy a twelve-pack at one of the local corner stores by my house and crack open a few. But in the last year or so theses commie bastards who own the stores around here have started making their own twelve and six pack cases. How you say? Well, obviously it must be cheaper for them to purchase eighteen packs of beer and what they are doing is cutting the 18 packs down into 12 and 6 packs of their own and taping them together, see image below. This cannot be approved by Budweiser or any other brewer. It’s annoying to get a shitty taped up box of beer and trying to carry the fucking thing is even worse. It looks like shit and it’s just a tactic for these asshole store owners to save a few bucks. It’s utter bullshit I tell you and I am so reporting their asses to Budweiser. I’m pretty sure the Bud guys are going to be just a little bit pissed off when they find out that these jerks are selling beer that looks like this. Hopefully they’ll put an ending to the shit.

DG

Breakin the law, breakin the law!!

Published on February 24, 2011 in Daily Bitching and Only In Hollywood. 1 Comment

So Tuesday on my way home from work I got stopped by the police in this big sting. Why you say? Well, because on my way home I travel down US 441 and at 5:00pm traffic is backed up for about a mile due to the stop lights never working properly and only letting 5-6 cars through the light at a time. Every day I usually cut through an EMPTY parking lot to avoid waiting at the light for 20 fucking minutes. Well Tuesday the Hollywood police department had FOUR police officers setup in the parking lot there to ticket all the people cutting through. Of course they stopped me in my bright orange VW Bus and asked where I was going. I politely told them I was going the fuck home, and they politely gave me a ticket for “Cutting through private property to avoid a traffic device”. Now wait a Goddamn minute here! I didn’t cut through the parking lot to avoid the traffic light, I cut through the parking lot to avoid traffic! Big difference if you ask me.

Now the thing that really pisses me off about this whole thing is the fact that instead of spending a few bucks to fix the stop light, so traffic will flow better, the city of Hollywood instead pays FOUR fucking police officer’s salaries to sit in an empty parking lot and ticket people on their way home from work. That wouldn’t be so bad if our city was a small town with little crime, but when I gotta dodge crackheads and drug dealers to simply walk to the store something is terribly wrong when these policemen are ticketing ME for some bullshit ‘crime’. I think it’s a waste of taxpayer’s money and total fucking bullshit that these guys had nothing else better to do than ticket daily commuters for simply trying to get home on time. I’m sure there were no other crimes going on in Hollywood that day right? I mean we’re only like the highest rated city for crime in all of South Florida. Thank you Hollywood police, I feel WAY more safe now that all those regular old people who work for a living got tickets while the rest of the city’s crack fiends were out robbing and killing people. Good job guys!

DG

You can’t be that fucking stupid!

Published on December 28, 2010 in Daily Bitching and Only In Hollywood. 1 Comment

So I’m driving home from work yesterday and happened to notice the car in front of me had something that irks the shit out of me for some reason. You see the driver I was behind had obviously updated his license plate registration several times. Now in the state of Florida when you renew your tag they send you out these little yellow registration stickers showing the year that you’re paid up to. When you receive these yellow stickers you’re supposed to affix them to the top right corner of your license plate, not this fucking guy. No this asshole had them scattered around his tag like a fucking retard, yes I got a picture of it. I don’t know why, but every time I see someone do this to their tag I just want to beat the ever living shit out of them. It shouldn’t piss me off I know, but it does. It’s like why in the hell can’t you just place the fucking sticker where it’s supposed to go like everyone else does? Are you that big of a fucking moron that you have to decorate the fucking license plate with all your old stickers, or are you just trying to show everyone that you’ve paid your registration all these years? Whatever the case may be it’s fucking stupid and so is this guy. Here have a look for yourselves.

DG

Oh and if I’m not mistaken I believe that bumper sticker is missing an ‘S’.

Fuck you rain!

Published on September 5, 2010 in Only In Hollywood. 0 Comments

Every fuckin Sunday I wash my car and then immediately afterwards it rains for 5 minutes just to fuck it up. I hate you rain, I really really do!

DG

Only in Hollywood!

Published on July 26, 2010 in Only In Hollywood. 0 Comments

Only in Hollywood FL do dumbasses drive up and down the street in a fuckin moped trying to spin the tires!

DG

Dumb ass of the week – “I swear I’m a Federal Agent!”

Published on July 15, 2010 in Dumb-Ass Of The Week, Only In Hollywood and Weird Fucking News. 1 Comment

I’ll keep this one simple for you. Dumb guy in my town gets pulled over buy the cops. Dumb guy tells cops he’s federal agent when he’s not and shows them a fake badge. Cops let the guy go with a warning. Dumb guy later goes to the police station to complain about getting pulled over and tells other cops he’s a federal agent. Other cops aren’t as stupid as the first cops, they don’t believe the guy and then arrest him for impersonating an officer. Seriously how fuckin stupid can you possibly be?!

DG

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We’re gonna have a white trash party!

Published on July 7, 2010 in Daily Bitching and Only In Hollywood. 2 Comments

Well I hope you all had a great fuckin 4th of July over the past weekend. I know I’m a few days late here but I wanted to share with you all a little story about what happened to me on the 4th. As per usual we had our annual Goff 4th of July get together at my house with some great friends and family. It rained all fuckin day and basically ruined my cookout. Then it kinda cleared up as it got dark and we all headed out front so that I could light off the massive amount of expensive fireworks that I piss my money away on every year. Now we were all out front, having a good ass time, when I noticed that one of my neighbors was shooting off a shotgun. I could hear him cocking the thing and then shooting it, but had no idea as to where he was pointing the damn thing. A few minutes went by and he seemed to have stopped so I thought nothing of it, also this guy is normally a damn good neighbor. Well as I was set to light off some more explosive shit all of a sudden I felt like someone threw a bunch of rocks at me. I then looked over at my aunt and sister and they too felt the same thing. Well it for sure wasn’t a firework because nothing exploded. We then went into the house to realize “oh fucking shit” this guy had just shot us with a round of bird shot!! Yeah no kidding!!

So anyway we opted not to call the police because everyone was okay, and the fact that we had a shitload of illegal fireworks on my front porch. Two days went by and we all had a few nasty bumps on us but everyone seemed to be okay. Not me! I was getting out of the shower yesterday when looked at one of the marks on my arm and saw something shiny. I called my wife to look at it and she thought the same thing I thought, there’s a fucking pellet from that shotgun in my Goddamn arm! I then proceeded to dig it out and wouldn’t you believe the damn thing popped out of my arm like a fucking pimple! Yes people I was walking around for TWO fucking days with a piece of lead bullet in my arm. Nice huh?

So what do I do now? Normally those neighbors are really nice people and never cause a problem. I could tell the guy was a little drunk that night, but still that’s no excuse for the mishandling of a firearm. Like I said no one was seriously injured, but we could’ve been! I decided to let bygones be bygones because these people are actually one of my not so scummy neighbors. I can tell you though that I did have a nice “talk” with them and I’m sure this will not happen again!

DG

So much for remaining anonymous!

Published on June 15, 2010 in Only In Hollywood. 4 Comments

So the other night I get home kinda late and I noticed there was a strange SUV parked on the side of my house in my swale. I decided to drive around the block to see if anyone was in that SUV, and sure as hell there was some dude lying in the front seat as if he was hiding. Now I’ve had a few robberies and other bullshit happen around here so I decided to call the cops to come check it out. I didn’t call 911, but rather the non-emergency helpline instead. I spoke to some woman on the phone and told her that there was a suspicious vehicle parked on the side of my house that is not supposed to be there. I also told her that I wished to remain anonymous, yeah right!

Anyway so about thirty minutes goes by and I’m sitting quietly in my backyard so that I can listen to what the hell is going on out there. The cops came and I could hear them asking the guy in the car for his drivers license, etc. Another ten or so minutes goes by and wouldn’t you know there was a knock at my door. Who the fuck was it? Ah yes the police officer was knocking on my door to let me know that, “everything is okay the guy suspiciously sitting on the side of your house checks out. He’s just waiting for his friend to get off from work.”

Number one, thanks for letting me remain anonymous by knocking on my door right after you interrogated the guy chilling on the side of my house. Number two, if the fucker is waiting for his friend to get off work why the hell can he wait at that guy’s fucking house? The asshole is sitting there with the car running, burning up my grass, parked where he shouldn’t be and you say he “checks out”?! Nice fucking police work there buddy! Next time I’m just gonna go out there and get rid of whatever asshole is parked on the side of my house myself. Thanks for nothing dick face!

DG