Doug's Daily Gripes

The Yellow Pages, Again!

doug — Tue, 07 Feb 2012 13:00:26 +0000

I’m pretty sure that I’ve covered this topic before, but these idiots at the Yellow Pages just won’t quit. Every year these jackasses decide that they are going to deliver several million copies of their books to people who simply throw them away. You see piles and piles of them everywhere and it just doesn’t make any fucking sense. Not only are you tards at the Yellow Pages wasting precious trees by printing all these books, but you’re also pissing off a lot of people. In case you all were wondering, nobody uses a fucking phone book anymore! I mean even my grandma has a smartphone and wireless internet, and she knows how to lookup someone’s telephone number on either of them. That means that there are millions of other people doing the same thing. So what dipshit at the Yellow Pages is making the decision to send out all of these books? Who there is that clueless that they feel the need to keep pissing away all that money on paper and delivering these useless print outs? It just doesn’t make any sense to me. Wakeup, Yellow Pages, and get with the freakin times. If someone wants a telephone book, then let them request it. Stop this insanity and wastefulness already!

Girl Scout Cookies Keep Shrinking

doug — Fri, 03 Feb 2012 13:10:00 +0000

Every year when the Girl Scouts are in front of the grocery store selling their cookies I buy a few boxes. I usually go for the Samoa’s or the Thin Mints, as I can eat a few boxes of those myself in one sitting. But the last few years it seems as if the boxes are staying the same size, yet the cookies are getting smaller. You open one of their delicious fattening boxes of cookies only to be disappointed by the amount you receive. It’s bullshit I tell ya! The prices go up, the cookies get smaller and we the consumers are the ones getting fucked. There has to be some type of Girl Scout conspiracy going on here that none of us know about. They probably kept making them smaller and smaller over the years so that none of us would notice right away. You would at least think that whoever was behind this conspiracy would make the boxes smaller too. That would have been the smart move. Instead we keep getting less cookies and spending more money just to be disappointed in the long run. I love Girl Scout cookies, I really really do, but if they keep shrinking like this pretty soon we’ll be paying five bucks for one damn cookie. Step your game up Girl Scouters, because we’re onto your little scam here and we’re not happy.

Photos without an explanation

doug — Thu, 02 Feb 2012 13:22:06 +0000

I have shit to write about today, so here are some random photos that have absolutely no fucking explanation to them. Enjoy!

TV commercials are so loud!

doug — Tue, 31 Jan 2012 13:20:35 +0000

So there you are sitting at home, watching your favorite TV show at a normal volume and minding your own damn business. The show you were watching now ends and here comes the commercials, holy shit they’re LOUD! What happened to the damn TV? You see this is a marketing ploy by big corporations to try and keep your attention during these dumb commercials so you’ll hopefully buy their shitty products. It’s really annoying when you’re trying to be quiet and can become quite frustrating at times. The commercials are just too fuckin loud. These damn commercials are so loud in fact that the government has now stepped in to regulate them. A new law called the CALM act is going into effect this December and mandates that the cable companies monitor the volume of all commercials so that they are broadcasted at the same volume levels as the TV shows. It’s about freakin time! The days of loud annoying commercials are almost over. With DVR’s and now the CALM act these assholes won’t stand a chance.

Why does the internet hate Nickelback?

doug — Fri, 27 Jan 2012 13:02:37 +0000

For some unknown reason the internet hates Nickelback. Every site I go to there’s always someone cracking jokes, or making funny memes about them, and I have no idea why. If you enter “why does the internet” into google, it will automatically add “hate Nickelback” to the end of that statement. That means that millions of other people are wondering the same thing. Now I went ahead and did some research on this issue and there really isn’t a justified answer out there. Some say it’s because their songs sound the same, but I don’t buy that shit to be honest. I’m not going to lie to you, I fuckin love Nickelback. I’ve got every one of their albums and I think those guys are pretty damn talented. But for whatever reason every person on the internet seems to think the opposite. I don’t get it. Why hate on Nickelback so much? There’s plenty of other bands out there who suck major ass, yet the internet targets Nickelback. Why? Why not bash some shit band that actually does suck? I can’t see these guys selling multiplatinum records when everyone hates them, but they do. There has to be a legitimate answer for this hatred for Nickelback, and if anyone knows what that answer is I sure would appreciate it if you’d share it with me.

Only in America

doug — Thu, 26 Jan 2012 13:16:58 +0000

So the other day I was browsing the internets looking for funny shit to read like I always do. Suddenly I stumbled upon this photo here of a french fry holder for your car. Yes, that’s what I said, a fuckin french fry holder for your car!! This is what is becoming of us American people, greasy fry holders so all the overweight lazy morons will have a place to put their snacks while driving. At first I thought this was a joke, but after a simple google search I found that this picture is indeed legitimate. But why? Why in the hell would someone need a french fry holder for their vehicle? Next you’re going to tell me that Ford will start installing microwaves in all their new cars. It’s just ridiculous that anyone would want/need one of these damn things and just goes to show you what the hell is wrong with people in our country. This is one of the reasons why the rest of the world makes fun of America, because we’re so damn fat and lazy that we now need a french fry holder in all of our vehicles so we can put on a few pounds while we drive. Cigarette lighters in cars is a no no, but please by all means go ahead and replace that with some fries. That’s way healthier!

Everything is louder at night time.

doug — Tue, 24 Jan 2012 13:16:04 +0000

Is it just me, or does everything seem to be louder at night time when you’re trying NOT to be loud? The simplest things, such as a coffee cup being placed on the counter or a door closing, all just make the loudest damn noises in the world when you’re attempting to be quiet. During the day everything is fine and dandy, but as soon as the lights go out normal sounds turn into war zone sounds. The quiet normal footsteps turn into dinosaur stomps, the opening of a refrigerator turns into an army tank shooting, the flush of a toilet turns into Niagara Falls and anything else that doesn’t make noise during the day seems to magically turn into a big fucking boom. I wished someone could explain this to me because I honestly don’t get it. No matter how hard I try to keep the sounds to a minimum at night, I always seem to fail. If I didn’t know any better I’d say that this loud night noise phenomenon is some type of government conspiracy. If you have a better explanation I’d love to hear it.

Just because it’s expensive doesn’t mean it’s nice.

doug — Wed, 18 Jan 2012 13:21:08 +0000

I don’t know about the rest of you all out there, but personally I’m not into ugly designer shit just because it’s expensive. I see people all the time who think that they are better than others just because they purchased a 500 dollar shirt that looks like someone threw up on it. Or then you have these women with their 5,000 dollar purses that are so gaudy you can’t even look at them without getting a headache. You see it everywhere and society today thinks that you must have these high priced ugly items to keep up with the Jones’s. I honestly don’t get it. I mean don’t get me wrong here I’m not the guy who buys his clothes at the K-Mart or anything, but I sure as hell won’t pay an outrageous price just for a golf shirt. But there are people out there who think that just because whatever it is they purchase costs a lot of money that automatically it has to be nice shit. That is so not true. I’ve noticed that the more something costs lately the uglier it gets, and people can’t wait to piss away their hard earned money on this crap. I had someone tell me the other day that their shoes cost them 700 dollars. 700 bucks for a pair of fucking shoes? Do they help you run fast? No. Do they make you fly? No. Are they going to last forever? No. Then why in the hell do they cost as much as a months rent? I just can’t see the logic behind all this and I probably never will. You people can’t wait to piss away your hard earned money on designer shit that you think looks nice, but in reality it’s just plain ugly and a total waste of money. Just because it’s expensive that doesn’t neccessarly mean that it’s nice. Invest your money in something else and stop throwing it away on this shit that people call clothing.

Don’t touch my kid!

doug — Mon, 16 Jan 2012 13:30:30 +0000

The other day I was out with my wife and my baby out at the mall. I was carrying my daughter and decided to stop and purchase one of those delicious Auntie Annie’s pretzels they have there. As I was standing in line some obnoxious woman came up behind me and was saying what an adorable little baby I had. That was all fine and dandy until this bitch took it just a little too far and touched my child. I turned around, looked this woman dead in the face with an evil stare and told her politely to keep her hands off my fucking kid. I don’t know what the hell is wrong with people, but this isn’t the first time this has happened. What makes strangers think that they automatically have the right to touch someone’s child? You wouldn’t walk up to an adult you don’t know and touch them, would you? Exactly, so why touch my kid? Some people need to learn the rules of personal space and refrain from putting their hands on children that do not belong to them before they end up getting seriously hurt. I don’t know you, nor do I know where your hands have been, so I’d appreciate it if you’d keep away from my little girl.

Sometimes you have to just cut certain people off.

doug — Fri, 13 Jan 2012 13:03:19 +0000

There comes a time in everyone’s life when you simply have to get rid of any negativity you may have hanging around. What I mean by negativity is people who are no good for you. We’ve all had those ‘friends’ or family members who cause us nothing but grief and fuckin trouble. The ones that get you into situations that you would never have possibly gotten yourself into had you stayed clear of these people. They con you into doing shit for them or with them, and you are usually the one who suffers from their influence. The problem is that a lot of us do not rid ourselves of said people once they fuck us over or get us into any type of trouble. That’s when we have to wakeup, smell the fuckin roses and simply cut these people out of our lives. Sometimes it’s hard, but usually it’s the best solution. If every time a certain person comes around you they fuck you over, or even worse, why keep them in your life? Why keep being brought down by their stupidity and lack of judgement that only hurts you in the long run? I know it’s hard to kick people to the curb, but sometimes it’s what’s best for you. If they haven’t done anything but bad shit the entire time you’ve had a relationship with them, what makes you think that it’s ever going to change? Cut them off and move onto a life without negativity and bad influence. Trust me it will all be worth it.